Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Dear Hollywood: Ruining My Childhood Fave Movies Edition

What the FUCK are you thinking Hollywood? I mean, I know that remaking old films is sorta all the rage, and like not having to create anything from scratch or have a substantive, original idea is like a goose that lays golden fucking script-filled eggs. But like, really, this shit is getting out of hand. It's bad enough that you took Transformers, my beloved robot cartoon show, and made it into a Michael Bay, Shia LaQueef debacle. Oh, and there's a sequel. It was bad enough when you decided to reboot the Superman franchise, although without really any thought to plot lines, or any real attention to like, I dunno, ANYTHING really... It was bad enough when you flirted with the idea of remaking Red Dawn and Top Gun.

But now you've gone and REALLY pissed me off. Clue: The Movie, was and is a brilliant piece of cinema magic. Tim Curry was flawless. Martin Mull was great, Christopher Lloyd was brilliant. Eileen Brennan, Lesley Ann Warren, Michael McKean, Madeline Kahn, Colleen Fucking Dream Girl of My Whole Entire Fucking Life Full of Wet Dreams About Her Amazing Fucking Titties Camp? All amazing. The writing is brilliant, the cast is wonderful... it's funny, it's smart, it's fucking great. It has three fucking Endings. THREE. What the fuck could be better than that? It's fucking CLUE. "Mr. Body's body... it's gone!"

Well no, know the brainiacs in Hollywood have chosen to defame one of my all-time favorite fucking flicks. Here's two paragraphs that really fucking scare me...

Hasbro has "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" and "G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra," both of which will be distributed by Paramount this summer. At Universal, Hasbro hatched "Stretch Armstrong," which just set Steve Oedekerk as writer; the Ridley Scott-directed "Monopoly"; "Candyland," which Etan Cohen ("Tropic Thunder") is writing for Kevin Lima to direct; and "Ouija," which is being produced by Michael Bay�s Platinum Dunes banner.

Verbinski followed the "Pirates of the Caribbean" films by directing the animated Paramount feature "Rango" with Johnny Depp.

"Clue" will be turned into a mystery that Blind Wink senior veep Jonathan Krauss called "A global thriller and transmedia event that uses deductive reasoning as its storytelling engine."

Not only are they making a fucking STRETCH ARMSTRONG FUCKING MOVIE, but they got some dude you directed Pirates of the fucking Disneyland RIDE: THE MOVIE to make this fucking schlock. It's gonna suck. It's going to make me want to march over there and beat someone up. Seriously. It's pissing me off and it's nowhere close to being made yet. What the FUCK Hollywood?? How can you mess with a movie that was fucking perfect to begin with? I mean... Jesus... take a look at Colleen Camp's tits again, and tell me you want to mess with that?