Friday, April 24, 2009

Missed Me, Missed Me, Now You Gotta:

Sprain my ankle.

Yeah. That's right. Gurftastic went and pulled a "Gurf" and sprained the CRAP out of my craptastic ankle. First a brief history of the craptastic ankle, then a rundown of my stupidity, followed by a photodiary of the reprecussions...

I know I've been away a long time. So this post is coming mostly out of guilt. You're welcome.

For those of you who don't know my propensity for being injured, one Seth "browndumper" used to say of me, "if you stub your toe, you are really going to need some pills". I think that was also a dig on the fact that I took pills when I was sick. Seth was still on the "mom will mash em up in my ice cream" plan. He was 18. Still don't think he knows how to swallow a pill. But that's neither here nor there. It's more then.

So Sophomore year of college I sprained the crap out of my ankle while throwing a "Welcome Back" party for about 35 people in my dorm room. I was wearing some sort of Adidas sandals (remember the ones from the 90's that had the really thick spikes on them that were supposed to massage your feet while you walked, but really were just uncomfortable unless you wore socks, but who the fuck wears socks with sandals, well I guess you do, because it's the only way your feet won't fucking hurt wearing those stupid sandals? Remember those? Yeah I was wearing those. Without socks). And I was drunkenly standing in the hallways talking to a friend, when McJosh, from behind me says, "Gurf(tastic) what's up?" I turned. My ankles did not. I fell into a heap (which he then laughed at). Then my ankle ballooned to the size of a grapefruit. Then the hospital, the drunken phonecall home, then Binkley carrying my shit around for me for weeks, Thompson laughing at me at my first lesson that year, oh and crutches. Oh, and then the dorm mother, Linda Muse felt so bad for me (because it would take me like 30 minutes to get to class) she actually got me a wheelchair. So I did that for like 12 minutes before feeling like a complete goon, because I wasn't actually injured enough to warrant wheeling around in that thing. Yeah. So whatevs.

Flash forward a solid 10 years. I'm at the New Music Bake Sale this past Friday. And as it's on the top floor of this old church, and as the church is really crowded with all of NYC's new music and baked goods fans, and one of the ceiling fans wasn't on and the cord was too short, I thought it would be a good idea to clamber ontop of a few friends and switch it on. When DJSkram suggested I stand on his leg (along with Jacob, a buddy I teach with) while he kneels on one leg, I see nothing wrong with it. SO, I get up there, switch the damn thing on, and then in some sort of bastardized piroet, fall like nobody's ever fallen before and absolutely obliterate my ankle on God's floor. Destroyed.

Now I wear some sort of bionic boot, and can only do a very limited amount of walking. Which is not all that funny. But kinda funny. Considering what a douche bag I am. In any event, DJSkram was sure to point out as I hobbled out to get to the hospital, "What, you couldn't even stay to hear my piece? Thanks a lot". Then the cab driver was inexplicably a dick. Then Mandi bitched him out. That was sweet.

And now the long awaited photo diary:

This is the ankle at the hospital. Notice the grapefruit-like qualities.

This is the next morning. Notice the weird Tiger-Shark bruising. Also I should mention that the black toe is from a previous malady.

This is my foot today. The lighting is bad, but you can probably see that nowhere on my foot is the color of my skin, except for the tips of my toes.

This is the backside of my leg. Notice the Tiger-Shark motif, as well as the bruises all the way up to my calf. Awesome. On the plus side, I got THIS:

Meet my bionic boot. It makes me feel like a StarWars Stormtrooper. I think that if I had had this boot as a child, I would've created some sort of Super Hero character named Bionico or something, who inexplicably had a bionic foot. Sometimes, when I'm strapping myself in, I make all sorts of machine sounds, like the air suction sounds from Empire Strikes Back, when Vader gets his mask re-attached. Those sounds. Yeah. I'm a dork. It's all good.

All in all, not such a bad little weekend project!