The Gurftastic Blog

Don't Fuck with Me, or You Get Yours (Blockbuster Edition)

2010-03-01T13:04:00.000-05:00

This is what happens when you cross me. Blockbuster today announced that they will (after closing some 250+ stores in January) be closing 500+ stores. I *hate* to say I told you so, but, I called this one, oh I dunno a few YEARS ago. Back when the Gurftastic blog was just a simple myspace mood-enhanced pile of drivel. Anyways, just wanted to put the world on notice... AGAIN, you fuck with Gurftastic, you will fail at life/business.

iSore

2010-01-28T16:09:00.000-05:00

I will readily admit to being an Apple Fanboy. In this space I've extolled the virtues of the Jesusphone/bestphoneevar. I own two mac laptops, have never owned a PC, don't run windows on any machine, and sorta kinda laughed when Mead's Xbox 360 crapped out for the second time. I love Apple products. I used to have subscriptions to 2 different Macintosh based magazines. Fanboy. Love it.

And like most of the tech world, I waited with great anticipation for Apple to WOW me today. Presenting the iPad. Sorta like a bigger iPhone. Only without the phone part. So sorta like a big iPod Touch, only with optional 3G (on ATT). Yeah.

See the thing is, Apple is a real innovator in the industry. When they come out with something NEW, all other companies sorta shit themselves hoping they'll be able to catch up. When Apple decided to enter the phone business, they wanted to do it BETTER than any company could (see Motorola: RoKr). So the iPhone was not just a phone, and not just a smartphone (email+calendar+syncing) which had been around for a while. Nor was it an internet-enabled phone presenting "mobi-web 2.0" or some other Verizon bullshit. No it was the real internet. And that was the star of the device. Sure, it does syncing, email, calendars and calling (not in NYC) beautifully, but being able to really use the internet was great. Then came the App store and all of a sudden it was like carrying a computer in your pocket. Literally hundreds of thousands of apps were there for you to take advantage of and push your machine to the limit, and build it to your specs. GREAT. Much like the iPod, which wasn't the first mp3 player on the market, the iPhone came to a saturated market, and did it BETTER. Better integration. Better apps. Better. Stylishier.

So enter the iPad, possibly the most confusing product to come out of Cupertino since the Apple TV. Still waiting on that one to make sense. Anyways, as I sat there watching the liveblog of Steve Jobs's keynote, I kept wondering, "what's the HOOK?" My friends with whom I was chatting and texting were wondering the same thing. What's the "oh, and just ONE more thing"? What is the ONE thing that this machine will do better than ANYTHING else out there and make me NEED it.

The speech came and went. And I've got nothing. I guess it's ebooks? I mean, they created a whole ebook store for em, so maybe it's that? Or maybe it's surfing the internet without flash? Maybe it's using iPhone apps at double resolution? It's not the camera. Cuz there is none. It's not the keyboard, because early reports peg at as awkward on a table (since the back is not flat), and really only suited to in the lap typing. It's not the inter-connectivity, because you need a myriad of cables to hook it into other things. So what is the hook? WHY would I want this thing?

Apple thinks it's because I'll want to watch movies on it. The screen looks great. Unfortunately, it's basically a 4:3 aspect ratio, meaning high-def gets BIG BLACK LETTERBOXING.

Apple thinks it's because I'll want to read books on it. The little faux-book animations are cute. The text resizing and font changing options are great. And the "ibook" store (which may account for why Apple dropped the "ibook" in favor of "macbook" in their product line) may indeed be the iTunes store for books, and be an Amazon killer. But $500 bucks to start just for the opportunity to buy some 12 dollar ebooks?

Apple thinks it's because I'll want to play games on it. And sure, once the games aren't merely just ported but are actually designed to for the iPad, I'm sure they will be cool. But they'll still be sorta awkward, since there's no real joystick control. So the accelerometer-based games will still be fun, but the first-person shooters will still be a little buggy...

Apple thinks it's because I can run all of my iPhone/iPod apps on it. And sure, that's neat. Although blowing them up twice as big will look ugly.

Apple thinks it's because I will be able to word-process on it. But according to early reports, the thing has a curved back (like the iPhone 3G and 3GS, unlike the original iPhone), meaning it doesn't lay flat on a table. So if I were to type on it, I'd have to be sitting with it on my lap. Or laying in bed. Which is fine. But not exactly ergonomic.

Apple thinks it's because I'll want to hold the internet in my hands. See: iPhone. Because the browser is THE SAME as on my iPhone, it still suffers the same short-comings. Read: NO FLASH SUPPORT. While HTML-5 and h.264 video might replace the need for flash, the fact remains that most of the video I want to watch and ALL of the online games that I want to play are built in FLASH. So on a device that literally would be AWESOME for streaming video, there's no support. Unless someone develops a native application. Which hasn't happened yet for iPhone, so why would it for the iPad?

Apple thinks this is the bridge device that will finally solve the hole between smartphones and laptops. The trouble is, there's no phone functionality. There MAY be VOIP functionality at some point over the 3G, but as yet, you'll have to settle for Skype on Wifi. There's no real OS X present, so the kinds of apps you're allowed to use are limited to the App Store variety. And the way you use the iPad is limited too. File storage, and file-types supported, etc. And the fact that the thing doesn't have a USB port unless you buy a connector. Interesting approach.

I guess what I'm saying is, no matter how much Apple pushes this thing as a game-changer, it's really just something we've seen already. And while the iPhone really did change EVERYTHING, what we have here is basically just a bigger iPhone. With less functionality. I mean, really the only thing this thing does differently is it has a built in app to buy books. And it's got a faster processor/long battery life. As my friend, oh, let's call him Matt Marks said to me, "Didn't you always want an iPhone that was bigger and clunkier?" The thing is, no... I didn't.

The screen may look great. The reviews may come back and say, "It's amazing". But I have to be honest. My gut tells me that I don't need this. And that doesn't happen very much to me when I see a new piece of tech. Especially from Apple Computing, Inc. It just doesn't DO anything special that my iPhone doesn't already do. Shit, I can read e-books on my phone already. They may look BETTER on the iPad... but like, 500 bucks better? I'll buy the paperback.

More Reasons Why RadioShack is Useless

2010-01-18T18:02:00.000-05:00

Ok... let's just set this straight. RadioShack has NEVER been a good store. It's always a pain in the ass to shop there. Why the FUCK do I need to give you my address to buy batteries? Seriously. WTF? But in light of the recent fleecing of America by WorstBuy and their GeekSquad "optimizations", it seems fair to point out that RadioShack, or just "The Shack" as they want you to call them is also doing a bit of fleecing.

I'm looking to hook up my laptop to my old Panasonic tv. My MBP comes with a mini-DVI to VGA adapter (for hooking into a monitor). Apple sells a mini-dvi to S-video/RCA for about 20 bucks. Seems steep. So I look around. I figure, I'll go through my included adapter, and then covert VGA to S-video or RCA... Amazon has this ditty for just over TWO DOLLARS. That figure is important to keep in mind. Because what I'm about to tell you might make your head explode. With the prevalence of adapters available at Radiowhack, I figured they'd probably have SOMETHING. A phone call to their manager of the local store confirmed, they do in fact sell something to do just this. It's part of their "PC to TV" line of products. The CHEAPEST is found here. You read that right: $99.99. For a housing to hold a 2 dollar piece of electronics. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT?

Boxee

2009-12-15T18:30:00.000-05:00

Is it just me, or does this seem like an incredibly good idea? And with D-link coming out with an actual box, isn't it time we all gave a giant FU to the cable companies? I mean shit we PAY through the nose for cable tv, we pay more for internet. Why not cut out that waste? I watch most of the tv shows I watch on the internet... and that includes the ones that are on regular tv (Pro tip: 30 second commercials on Hulu go quicker than 2.5 minute commercials on TV). And we PAY too much for how slow our internet is, so we might as well get as much out of it as we can! (Bonus material: if you actually read that graphic, you'll notice that Japan has internet that is about 13 times faster than ours, but they pay 1/12 the price... NEATO)

So here's my thing: Boxee seems like a pretty good solution (as is XMBC if you're on a PC) to what we all thought AppleTV was going to be (may in the future be?). You can stream all the content (except the DRM-ed stuff that you better not fucking have, because if you do, you're probably an idiot, and idiots shouldn't read my blog, because they're dumb... you're not dumb, are you?) that you have on your harddrive. So all of your music, movies and tv shows that you've downloaded (read: torrented), can be watched in crystal clear high-def on your plasma (you rich fuck, why don't you just pay for cable?) And there's some pretty good integration with twitter and other social sites, and it streams hulu and such. Great. And you can install it on Mac OS X, Tiger, Windows, Linux, even this thing. Neat. And it's super user friendly and it's designed to use a remote so your ass can stay planted on your couch! OK... so what's holding us back?

Well, the whole non-drm thing for one (read: no Itunes movies), and the fact that there's no browser on the D-link box for another. That means you have to have all the content ON the computer you want. I know a guy who watches tv shows online, sometimes even sports, which are live feeds from tv (I believe it's the "without express written permission" type of rebroadcasting that the major sports have been warning us about for eons). He even watches shows from television that are redistributed via the intertron. Now, in order for this to be streamed to the tv, the computer he's watching on would have to be hooked up to the plasma (you rich FUCK). Anyways, not a deal breaker, but obviously it's a little more complicated than just plug and play. Oh, and according to this NY Times article, it's actually pretty sweet and liberating. And they were paying $140 a month for cable!!!! What the SHIT kind of cable did they have? I want that. But I don't wanna pay for it.

So in summation, I think we're about ready for that paradigm shift folks. Get your buzzwords ready. The "ditch your cable bill" movement is poised... and I think the software and the hardware is good enough. I don't KNOW if the infrastructure is there yet... I mean, I know that I don't REALLY mind watching poorer quality video on my computer. But if it's blown WAY the hell up on my imaginary giant tv (read: mine = very much not flatscreen, and low-mid-def) I might see more of the artifacts. SO..... dear internets: please make more tv better good. Thanks.

Read up. Maybe we should all make it so...

Guh

2009-11-19T11:06:00.001-05:00

Should I blog?

Rant.biz

2009-08-14T13:46:00.002-04:00

Seems like I'm always ranting about something. So here goes:

LA Times. I read your paper. For the Sports Section. Gotta follow my Lakers. And Dodgers. Not so much the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Even the Calendar Section (for the Comics mostly) when I'm in LA. But for the most part, I'm reading the Times online. And OFTEN from my web-enabled mobile device. Read: iPhone.

So here's the thing. I think everyone knows the LA Times isn't exactly the "paper of record". No, that's the NY Times. And the LAT has been trying to be the NYT basically since it's inception. And with every paper redesign, everything from the typeface, to the sections' looks have become closer inline.

Except for the online version. The online version maintained a unique LA feel. White background, blue article headlines (links), plus black text article snippet previews, plus a unique CSS style. It was easy to read, easy to navigate. Good show.

That all changed. Yesterday I think. The website has been redesigned too look more like the NY Times. Even the logo has changed. Gone is the "L" white, on blue background. Replaced is a script "L" in white on a black background. Very NY...

Then there's the articles. Gone is ease of navigation. In its place is black headlines, with black text article snippets underneath. Take a look. Here's my trouble. I'm all for redesigns, if it makes the user experience better. This one does not. On a computer the subtle difference between headline size and article snippet is navigable. Manageable even. Look at the "Happy Birthday Magic" article. There's not even a writer cred separating the article from the headline. And while this isn't really a problem on my laptop, the trouble starts brewing on my phone.

It is EXTREMELY difficult on a reduced size screen to see the difference between the article and the headline. On the phone, it really looks like it could be 2 different articles about Ervin "Magic" Johnson. In fact, I have to actually tap on things to see if they are a link or not. FUCK THAT. The trouble with the Times Sports Page has always been that sometimes the names of the articles are the same or similar to the first line of the article. I think this has to do with the lazy intern who uploads the articles. Anyways, it pisses me the FUCK off that I have to actually SEARCH around a page for the article I want to read. Why implement an UI that is worse for the user? Mostly to fuck with me I think.

Fuck.

Just When I Thought I Was Out

2009-07-27T13:45:00.003-04:00

In case you were caught unawares, Lackluster has changed its name. Apparently increasingly aware of its growing insignificance, "Blockbuster Video" has rebranded many of its stores "Blockbuster Media". What does this big change mean to you, the avid Gurftastic Blog reader, who surely hasn't ventured into a Lackluster in years on account of my rage, wrath, and ire? Well, not a lot, actually. But because I'm curious, and because I value my own opinions above the fate of the free world, and because I think you have the right to know, I did something that I vowed in this very space never to do again.

I SET FOOT IN A BLOCKBUSTER!!!

Now before you cry "foul" and start seeping feces out of your eyes, allow me to explain:

First of all, I had to get a movie for a particular occassion, and the movie had not arrived from Netflix in time. Secondly, I already knew the movie was not worthy of purchase. Thirdly, the other video stores in a 20 block radius that google described to me, did, upon inspection of their premisis, not exist. So I was stuck. So I walked into the BLOCKBUSTER Media™ "Rock the Block" store in the West 90's (rock the block being I think a corporate term for brick and mortar retail store).

*side note: re: technology
Blockbuster-

You may want to rethink this whole online presence thing... I mean, the first search I ran for "Bloclbuster Media rebrandind" returned 3 employee forums and NONE of your press releases about the big change. Just saying...*

Now some in the Lackluster employee forum sites speak of a fabled Dallas store that has a coffee bar, and lounge in it. Not quite so in the Manhattan branch. Here I was treated to what probably would've been had the Circuit Shitty merger have actually gone through. At the font of the store were 2 or 3 "home theater" displays. By this I mean, an over-priced flat screen tv, and a budget surround sound stereo system. With the proliferation of WorstBuy and other stores like it, I wouldn't think that anyone would actually consider buying a tv system from somewhere like Lackluster. But then again maybe the CEO is right, and people actually are going to the store to rent a movie for well over 5 dollars, only to be confronted with the quandary, "I have nothing to watch it on! Shit, maybe I should buy a tv". If this seems like a plausible scenario to you, I have a toothpaste blotch shaped like the Virgin Mary you may be interested in.

While I think that having a lounge/coffee shop may indeed increase traffic to a store in Dallas, I don't really see people thinking "Blockbuster" when they think "I'd love some caffeine". And I CERTAINLY don't think that selling tvs is going to prove to be a worthwhile endeavor. Let's face it, the peons who "work" at WorstBuy, are somehow still more qualified to sell you a tv than the clods who work at Lackluster.

So let's leave the fact that this is like the 11th worst idea in a row for Lackluster, and focus on the rest of the store. The MEDIA! Yeah!

What I found was that the majority of the store was made up of DVDs to BUY. That's right, two aisles of for purchase, two aisles of previously viewed (read: we are selling our overstocked items, help us triple our profit, please). Along all the walls are the usual 40 or so copies of "new releases", which in my estimation were mostly B movies, and about 4 movies that I was aware had actually been in theaters at some point.

There were three aisles of video games to rent, two to buy. Then there were four SHORT aisles for Action, Drama, Comedy, and Family. Yep. That was IT. Maybe I'm spoiled by the plethora of categories on Netflix (it's almost too much at times, and can get annoying, as most movies are over-categorized and relisted in at least 5 places), but this was a pretty sad showing. And because the aisles were cramped, the DVD's instead of being displayed by their covers, were stacked vertically, to be read by their spines. Yeah. You can imagine how much more of a intuitive, seemless customer experience that makes. It's possibly the worst idea ever. Customers have to bend down just to read what is on the bottom rung. Yeah. Awesome.

So while I relish the demise of Lackluster™, I can't help but feel sorry for the lonely CEO, CFO, and other corporate shills, sitting on their millions per year, tanking a company that is going to tank no matter what "innovations" they try. The proof is there. Blockbuster Video is DEAD. The Blockbuster brand is dead. It's like going to a Starbuck's for an alcoholic drink... it's weird, and nobody is going to do it.

Oh yeah, and umm, like, sorry it's been 6 months since I blogged. I was pooping or something.

Nerdy Rhapsody

2009-05-05T17:29:00.001-04:00

Chiggidy Check it...

No sampling, all done using the vintage computers/devices.

Missed Me, Missed Me, Now You Gotta:

2009-04-24T18:08:00.007-04:00

Sprain my ankle.

Yeah. That's right. Gurftastic went and pulled a "Gurf" and sprained the CRAP out of my craptastic ankle. First a brief history of the craptastic ankle, then a rundown of my stupidity, followed by a photodiary of the reprecussions...

I know I've been away a long time. So this post is coming mostly out of guilt. You're welcome.

For those of you who don't know my propensity for being injured, one Seth "browndumper" used to say of me, "if you stub your toe, you are really going to need some pills". I think that was also a dig on the fact that I took pills when I was sick. Seth was still on the "mom will mash em up in my ice cream" plan. He was 18. Still don't think he knows how to swallow a pill. But that's neither here nor there. It's more then.

So Sophomore year of college I sprained the crap out of my ankle while throwing a "Welcome Back" party for about 35 people in my dorm room. I was wearing some sort of Adidas sandals (remember the ones from the 90's that had the really thick spikes on them that were supposed to massage your feet while you walked, but really were just uncomfortable unless you wore socks, but who the fuck wears socks with sandals, well I guess you do, because it's the only way your feet won't fucking hurt wearing those stupid sandals? Remember those? Yeah I was wearing those. Without socks). And I was drunkenly standing in the hallways talking to a friend, when McJosh, from behind me says, "Gurf(tastic) what's up?" I turned. My ankles did not. I fell into a heap (which he then laughed at). Then my ankle ballooned to the size of a grapefruit. Then the hospital, the drunken phonecall home, then Binkley carrying my shit around for me for weeks, Thompson laughing at me at my first lesson that year, oh and crutches. Oh, and then the dorm mother, Linda Muse felt so bad for me (because it would take me like 30 minutes to get to class) she actually got me a wheelchair. So I did that for like 12 minutes before feeling like a complete goon, because I wasn't actually injured enough to warrant wheeling around in that thing. Yeah. So whatevs.

Flash forward a solid 10 years. I'm at the New Music Bake Sale this past Friday. And as it's on the top floor of this old church, and as the church is really crowded with all of NYC's new music and baked goods fans, and one of the ceiling fans wasn't on and the cord was too short, I thought it would be a good idea to clamber ontop of a few friends and switch it on. When DJSkram suggested I stand on his leg (along with Jacob, a buddy I teach with) while he kneels on one leg, I see nothing wrong with it. SO, I get up there, switch the damn thing on, and then in some sort of bastardized piroet, fall like nobody's ever fallen before and absolutely obliterate my ankle on God's floor. Destroyed.

Now I wear some sort of bionic boot, and can only do a very limited amount of walking. Which is not all that funny. But kinda funny. Considering what a douche bag I am. In any event, DJSkram was sure to point out as I hobbled out to get to the hospital, "What, you couldn't even stay to hear my piece? Thanks a lot". Then the cab driver was inexplicably a dick. Then Mandi bitched him out. That was sweet.

And now the long awaited photo diary:

This is the ankle at the hospital. Notice the grapefruit-like qualities.

This is the next morning. Notice the weird Tiger-Shark bruising. Also I should mention that the black toe is from a previous malady.

This is my foot today. The lighting is bad, but you can probably see that nowhere on my foot is the color of my skin, except for the tips of my toes.

This is the backside of my leg. Notice the Tiger-Shark motif, as well as the bruises all the way up to my calf. Awesome. On the plus side, I got THIS:

Meet my bionic boot. It makes me feel like a StarWars Stormtrooper. I think that if I had had this boot as a child, I would've created some sort of Super Hero character named Bionico or something, who inexplicably had a bionic foot. Sometimes, when I'm strapping myself in, I make all sorts of machine sounds, like the air suction sounds from Empire Strikes Back, when Vader gets his mask re-attached. Those sounds. Yeah. I'm a dork. It's all good.

All in all, not such a bad little weekend project!

Dear Hollywood: Watchmen Edition

2009-03-12T20:01:00.002-04:00

Ok, let's take this slowly. We're still friends here, Hollywood. I went to see the Watchmen movie. Let me say THIS: You got it right. Almost. SOOOOOOO close.

First of all, the film was very faithful to the book (save the change of ending, which I suppose was necessitated by the fact that the end of the graphic novel was EXTREMELY out, and modern movie audiences "can't" handle too many story lines). The feel of the film, the cinematography, the selection of shots... the look FELT like the comic. This was great. The dialogue of course, was a little stunted, as is the case when comic book dialogue gets thrown onto the big screen. The acting was fair, and as is always the case when casting "unknowns", it's sorta a crap shoot. So the girl playing Laurie Jupiter was... well... she had great tits. I'll give her that. And when she showed her gams, that was fun. But when she talked or emoted, or any of the other things you expect an actor to do, it was terrible. I fully expect her to have an enormous acting career, specifically because people will go to a movie to see her naked, see her wear slinky clothes, and hope that she doesn't talk. And since the comic was so dense with so many story lines, it is only natural in a movie that nears 3 hours (but doesn't feel slow) that there would be need for leaving out SOME. Ok, so I accepted that going in. HOWEVER...

We have to talk about music, Hollywood. Let me describe to you what movie music is for. A movie score is best when you don't really notice it. It enhances the action/drama of the scene without your brain noticing "there's music playing now". It's the old adage of, if a horror movie is scary, turn the sound(track) off... it'll just look like campy bullshit (unless you're watching Funny Games, which has no soundtrack, and is scary as hell). What are some of the iconic movie scores, you ask? Try the original Star Wars. Great fucking score. Great theme that you remember after you walk out. Great incidental music that is intense as hell, and only helps the story. Like the fucking Ring Cycle of Wagner, here a series of leitmotifs are woven together throughout the entire series, linking characters with song in an AMAZING way. Another? Jaws. Those two fucking notes are scary as hell, and throughout the course of the film, whenever a hint of the shark, or a false hint that the shark is coming around, you get that iconic two note theme. Both John Williams scores... hmmm, funny. I could go on an on (like Saving Private Ryan, another Williams score, or other brilliant scores by Hans Zimmer, Jerry Goldsmith, or whatever, but that's not the point). With Watchmen, Hollywood, you decided to go in a different direction. Since this is a big "summer blockbuster" type movie, you decided to do a little cross-promotion. Just like when your girlfriend makes you watch "Four More Times Hugh Grant didn't do Something", where there is scant moment of minimal scoring combined with a KICK-ASS soundtrack full of familiar tunes and covers to be sold under the film company's record label, Warner Brothers decided to opt out of the gritty score-only format. Now the Tyler Bates original score actually serves the film quite well. More it's the SHAMELESS plugs of "period appropriate" music. Matt Marks already ranted pretty well on this topic, so let me just say this: You kinda get the feeling that the editor wasn't all that convinced of the music selection. I mean, the tunes were inserted literally in the most cliched of possible situations. And the editor didn't really fade the tunes in, or try to build them subtly. Rather, he just left em there. Blaring. And glaring. And that's EXACTLY what it sounds like when, I dunno, 99 Luftballoons... during a fucking RESTAURANT DINNER SCENE. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? And as ridiculous as it sounded, and as awkward as it was, YOU LET IT PLAY during the scene, not just to establish it. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? SERIOUSLY!

OK. Read Matt's blog. No need to rehash things. But HOLY CRAP did that ruin the movie. I mean, as I said immediately upon leaving the theater, "I hope when they release the DVD, they have anoption to watch it without the shitty cross-over music". Holy balls that's bad. Damn. I do wonder if there was some greedy Warners exec who was like, "We better include lots of these 80's tunes... our record partners have paid a lot of good money to get som shameless plugs". Fuck you, Hollywood. GodDAMNIT.

Dear Hollywood: Ruining My Childhood Fave Movies Edition

2009-02-25T17:41:00.002-05:00

What the FUCK are you thinking Hollywood? I mean, I know that remaking old films is sorta all the rage, and like not having to create anything from scratch or have a substantive, original idea is like a goose that lays golden fucking script-filled eggs. But like, really, this shit is getting out of hand. It's bad enough that you took Transformers, my beloved robot cartoon show, and made it into a Michael Bay, Shia LaQueef debacle. Oh, and there's a sequel. It was bad enough when you decided to reboot the Superman franchise, although without really any thought to plot lines, or any real attention to like, I dunno, ANYTHING really... It was bad enough when you flirted with the idea of remaking Red Dawn and Top Gun.

But now you've gone and REALLY pissed me off. Clue: The Movie, was and is a brilliant piece of cinema magic. Tim Curry was flawless. Martin Mull was great, Christopher Lloyd was brilliant. Eileen Brennan, Lesley Ann Warren, Michael McKean, Madeline Kahn, Colleen Fucking Dream Girl of My Whole Entire Fucking Life Full of Wet Dreams About Her Amazing Fucking Titties Camp? All amazing. The writing is brilliant, the cast is wonderful... it's funny, it's smart, it's fucking great. It has three fucking Endings. THREE. What the fuck could be better than that? It's fucking CLUE. "Mr. Body's body... it's gone!"

Well no, know the brainiacs in Hollywood have chosen to defame one of my all-time favorite fucking flicks. Here's two paragraphs that really fucking scare me...

Hasbro has "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" and "G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra," both of which will be distributed by Paramount this summer. At Universal, Hasbro hatched "Stretch Armstrong," which just set Steve Oedekerk as writer; the Ridley Scott-directed "Monopoly"; "Candyland," which Etan Cohen ("Tropic Thunder") is writing for Kevin Lima to direct; and "Ouija," which is being produced by Michael Bay�s Platinum Dunes banner.

Verbinski followed the "Pirates of the Caribbean" films by directing the animated Paramount feature "Rango" with Johnny Depp.

"Clue" will be turned into a mystery that Blind Wink senior veep Jonathan Krauss called "A global thriller and transmedia event that uses deductive reasoning as its storytelling engine."

Not only are they making a fucking STRETCH ARMSTRONG FUCKING MOVIE, but they got some dude you directed Pirates of the fucking Disneyland RIDE: THE MOVIE to make this fucking schlock. It's gonna suck. It's going to make me want to march over there and beat someone up. Seriously. It's pissing me off and it's nowhere close to being made yet. What the FUCK Hollywood?? How can you mess with a movie that was fucking perfect to begin with? I mean... Jesus... take a look at Colleen Camp's tits again, and tell me you want to mess with that?

FUCK!

25 Things I Hate About You

2009-01-31T01:30:00.003-05:00

Stop it. Don't fill it out. It's dumb. YOU know you're tempted. Don't do it. Yes, I'm talking about the "25 Things" craze that's sweeping Facebook. For those of you who don't know, the 25 Things is a list of 25 things about yourself that your friends might not otherwise know. Then you tag 25 friends of whom there is some significance in your list for each of them. Then they write a list. This is called a chain letter. For any of you who've ever passed one on, A) I'm still waiting for that email technology check from Microsoft, B) I think that the GAP really IS going to give everyone who passes it along $100, and so forth.

It's kinda like that movie, "10 Things I Hate About You", where they took "The Taming of the Shrew" and "updated" it for a modern teen audience. And by "updated" I mean, butchered The Bard's words, dumbed down the plot, and generally made life hell for me and anyone else who was forced by their then girlfriends to watch it. The 25 Things is kinda like that. Only shittier.

I can see how a girl would want to fill it out. It plays right into how they interract with friends. Observe: Carol ShamWow fills out her list...

"23. I still don't eat anchovies" This is an inside joke shout out to Carol's best friend from high school Sarah Cynthia Silvia Stout (who finally took the garbage out- and NO this is not about you SISTER, who by the way, I used to think was Sarah Cynthia Silvia Stout, and if you read HER 25 things, you might know why). Back when they used to be friends, they were at some pizza place and a really cute guy asked them if they wanted the rest of his anchovy pizza. They said yes of course, and then proceeded to try to eat it while they flirted with him. Hehehe! And instead of actually reconnecting with her old friend SCSS, Carol just tags her in her note, and the friend whom she hasn't seen in years is alerted when she logs onto Facebook. Now she feels obliged to A) respond to the shout out by posting something like, "Awww remember how cute he was? OMG! Did I tell you I'm an amputee now, and also I train loose seals?" And then proceeds out of some guilt process to write her own 25 things, so the chain isn't unbroken.

Next Carol— and keep in mind, she has a serious dyslexia issue, so don't make fun of her for writing the list out of order—writes, "14. I totally had an NKOTB poster on the backside of my closet in college. My roommate never knew!!" And then tags the roommate. Do you see how this works? This way, all the friends feel validated, and Carol ensures that people with whom she has a passing (at best) intimacy with feel as though they know her REALLY well now.

Dudes... I dunno. I don't know why dudes would ever fill that out. EVER. I tried tonight to come up with a list. I came up with 2 things.

So I present, The 2 Things. Don't pass this on. Don't do anything, really.

1. I fucking hate these sorry and mind-numbingly boring trivialities that the masses find entertaining. Grow a fucking synapse.

2. Fuck you for tagging me in this shit.

I feel like that pretty much sums it up. So please, please, PLEASE, America (and notice I used the Oxford comma, which I was instructed in school was NOT proper, but I've come to realize later in life, is, technically, perfectly proper, technically speaking), STOP THIS 25 THINGS THING. Are you really going to turn Facebook into a giant fucking chain letter? Really? Don't go down willingly... that is how we lost Myspace and Friendster... Are we all gonna have to join some new cheesy social networking site? FUCK.

/ rant

This is why

2009-01-29T16:37:00.007-05:00

If you've ever wondered what the term "Rochester as Fuck" (RAF) for short... this is it. In a nutshell.

A Kinder, Gentler Gurftastic

2009-01-27T11:44:00.002-05:00

Not really. But just wanted to point out a bit about the new Prez's first few days. Personally, I could gush and gloat here, but that's not really what this is all about. More that Obama is pretty shrewd. You'll remember the attacks of course. "Obama is a Terrorist", "Obama is going to be sworn in on the Koran", "Obama is a Muslim", "Obama went to a Madrassa school", "Obama wears women's clothes", "Obama has homosexual sex and smokes crack", "Obama will eat your babies", and so forth. Well yesterday, Obama gave an interview with the Dubai-based Al-Arabiya Network where he basically said, "America is not your enemy". But then he went on to highlight how he has Muslim members of his family, and how he has lived in Muslim nations. The very facts that Repubs shat themselves over for months, he now uses as a tool to appeal to those who would want to hurt us. Kinda smart. Kinda great. Gush, gush, gush.

On poorly lit porn

2009-01-26T02:07:00.002-05:00

Seriously... come on. I mean, I appreciate the fact that you want to put your wang and your girlfriend's poorly shaven cooter on the intertron. I appreciate that you even convinced her to look up at the camera while she fellates you. I even appreciate the fact that you don't try to hide all the zits on both your asses. But like, I mean, if you're going to go through all the trouble of that, the least you could do is light the damn shot well. Shit.

And then there's the production porno with the bad lighting. What's THAT all about? I saw a video that was so washed out, the white balance was so bad that you couldn't tell where a white chick's body ended and the beige rug began. What the fuck is THAT? And yet you found this acceptable enough to release? REALLY?

Here's a question. Now that like just about everyone is getting their porn on the world-wide net, how are porn companies going to stay in business? I mean, I realize that all the free porn sites that are out there are recycling content, but someone has to be creating content. And who the FUCK is paying for that? That seems like a shitty business model, no?

Ahh!

2009-01-21T00:21:00.001-05:00

Don't fuck this up... we all love you, and think you're awesome... please don't fuck this up...

Sir kit Shitty

2009-01-18T10:49:00.002-05:00

Well, we all knew this was coming, right? I mean, any company that BLOCKBUSTER thinks about acquiring must be doomed to failure. I'm thinking now might finally be the time to get that big-screen tv and... umm... what the fuck else do they sell at Circuit City? And you wonder why they're going under...

Dear Old People: Facebook Edition

2009-01-17T18:39:00.003-05:00

Dear Old People,

Thanks. It's really cute that you are trying, and I really appreciate it. You've even figured out how to post a picture to facebook. That's so cool for you. But here's the thing: Lately, I've been getting lots of friend requests from you "people". Not "you" people... Anyways, it's like this, you're old, you have a friend who's a musician. You somehow search something and my name comes up. We've never met, live in different countries, will probably never meet ever, and yet you want to friend request me. And you don't even bother to send me a note. What the fuck is that? Do you really expect me to get all excited and fucking friend you because you're old and you play a brass instrument in Italy? Really? Fuck you.

Bad idea

2009-01-16T20:16:00.003-05:00

I get it. You like shitty movies and tv... I don't know why, but I GET that YOU like them. But the "He's Just Not That Into You" movie? REALLY? Look, it's got my dreamgirl, Scarlet Johansson in it, and she's really hot. I GET that... but it doesn't make up for the fact that this is a movie based on a book that was based on the advice of a tv show about over-the-hill skanks who can't seem to keep their legs closed long enough into a conversation with a man to figure out if he'd actually make a decent partner rather than just another shaft to fill their ever-widening acrid vaginas. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the trailer almost sadly points out how this movie must've been written about 2 years ago. Drew Barrymore is ooing or awwwing out of the side of her mouth about something (don't even get me started on how I don't like Drew Barrymore, or any side-mouth talkers for that matter... that shit pisses me the fuck off), and complains about how some dude sent her a myspace message. Then the prototypical asian gay dude says, "Myspace is the new booty call!". Booyah! Now we're in touch with today's youth! FUCK YOU. They probably updated the word "Myspace" from "Prodigy Online" in the original script that was written by someone with an "@aol.com" email address. Shut the shit up, Hollywood. Go fuck yourself.

Friend Requests

2009-01-10T16:40:00.002-05:00

I have three friend requests sitting unanswered on my Facebook homepage. One is from a complete stranger with whom I have no friends in common. She has one picture up, some sort of bizarre model pic. And 50 some friends.

Then next is from some random girl I've never met in Vancouver, who is friends with ONE person I know.

And the last is from a guy who used to be a giant DOUCHE in highschool, as well as used to give me "noogies" as much as possible in middle school, because I was short and he had some sort of glandular disorder that made him tall and also stupid. And his dad was the coach of our basketball team. So when I'd complain, it sorta fell on dead ears.

None of these people I would consider a friend. But I'm looking for some sort of reader poll here as to who I should befriend. And I think I'm only going to friend one... it's time I started slowing down...

That's Funny...

2009-01-04T00:32:00.002-05:00

Every now and again, something makes me chuckle. Not one of those half-hearted chortles you're used to hearing from the people you tell your inane knock-knock jokes to. No this is a real, ALMOST laugh. On occasion this turns into an actual laugh.

McSweeney's catalogue of hilarity is something that I've reveled in for a while. My mother actually turned me onto the collection with one of their short story compendiums, with greatest hits like, "Why does the Death Star Need a Trash Compactor?" That's a fucking brilliant essay, and it hits on both my geekiness and inquisitiveness genes. It's fucking brilliant. Well, so is THIS!

Religulous

2009-01-02T01:17:00.002-05:00

Just watched Bill Maher's Religulous over at the Google video...

I'll give a brief rundown... While certainly not the most thorough evaluation of religion in society (and let's face it, every documentary ever seen is not exactly the most in-depth analysis... read the book, it's always better— yes MOM, I just wrote that), it is pretty funny, kinda out, and only a touch preachy. Well, kinda preachy. And totally takes a real scared-straight approach right at the end.

So the brief rundown is this... Americans are fucking idiots. Religious nuts are SUPER idiots. And all the major religions are dumb. And then there's Mormons. And Scientologists. And pretty much they're real dumb.

One interesting thing tidbit Bill touches on is the whole hierarchical structure of the Catholic Church... and ya know, how none of that was really set out by the teachings of Jesus or any of that... it was just sorta INVENTED by MAN afterward. Good times.

There's a lot I could go into, like things I'd wished he'd talked about, but again, it's just a documentary, not really like a Fast Food Nation expose. Anyways, check it out if you've got 2 hours to kill and you either know your faith will see you through, or you think you have no faith. Or whatever. I don't care. Is there a religion for apathetics? And don't go all flying pasta dish on me... even though I love that damn meatballed son of a bitch.

Why White Chicks Like 'Friends'

2008-12-25T01:28:00.002-05:00

Why? The simple answer should be painfully obvious to any avid reader of the Gurftastic Blog: Women have smaller brains, and are therefore "limited" in their ability to separate "shit" from "must-see-tv". But that's just the silly answer. Let's dig deeper.

Why do white chicks like Friends? Well for starters, it lets them feel in a non-threatening way that it is perfectly acceptable to fail miserably at countless relationships and be over 30 and un-married. Now I'm not saying it ISN'T acceptable, I'm just saying that women of a certain age feel a lot of pressure to lock down a husband and start crapping out spawn. This phenomenon is known as adolescence. And ever since that time, women feel this need to hang onto their man. Friends shows them that even if they don't, they can always marry that sweet, cute, kinda dorky guy who lives across the hall. It also reinforces the myth (which the Gurftastic blog had thoroughly de-bunked) that Exs can remain friends after a breakup. This of course is known as "delusional fantasy". It even postulates that people can date within a small group of friends and everyone will be cool and totally not weirded out by it. Yeah.

Let's examine the characters a bit: there are three girls and three guys. Ladies first, please: There's the hot, rich, daddy's girl, who's all grown up and having "big girl's life in the big city". Every girl identifies with this character a little, because either A) they are rich and spoiled by their father but desperately trying to prove they don't need him, or B) their father treated them like shit and they desperately wish to be this character. Next up is the "whacky" girl. She's a little off-kilter, but really fun once you get to know her. She's one-part Massachusetts liberal (reads Mother Jones), one part every girl in NYC who wants to "let loose" one night and gets trashed and a little loose-lipped with her friends. Every girl identifies with her, because they either feel strongly that they are this independent, free-thinking, hippie-culture-even-though-

you're-clearly-not-a-hippie chick, or they despise that chick, and try desperately not to be her. Lastly is the obsessive-compulsive control-freak who used to be fat. Do I really need to explain why every girl identifies with her?

Let's look at the boys, shall we? First is stereotypical vapid actor dude. He's basically an idiot, but is good-looking, and although he sleeps with a different girl every week, he's got a heart of gold (funny side note, while typing "heart of gold" on my iPhone, it translated my missed keystrokes into "wart of gold". Pretty brilliant). Every girl has fucked or wanted to fuck this guy. Consciously knowing he's a total player, but thinking that deep down he's really special and it will just take the right girl to bring it out of him. Next up, the safe dude. He's a doctor (of anthropology for some reason), is pretty nerdy and awkward, and a big sweatheart. He's just no good at relationships. AWWWWW! Every girl knows that this guy is good marriage material, but nobody really finds him attractive till they're old and be-haggard. Lastly, the funny guy! Always ready to break an awkward moment with a semi-witty comment, the funny guy is a total douche, but he's got a heart of gold. He's just got intimacy issues... Yeah!!!!

So there are your six 'Friends'. Obviously there's an attraction to the characters. But it's the inter-character development that really makes white chicks cream in their Victoria Secrets. The key thing with Friends is, all of the girls are friends. Like, there's never really a time when Monica stops talking to Rachel for a season because Rachel dicked over her brother. At no point does Phoebe fall into a depression and hang out by herself, or hang with a different clique of people. No, these three girls actually have an impossibly romanticized version of friendship, perhaps worse than the equivalent Romance/Comedy version of falling in love. On the show, none of the girls ever does any backstabbing against the other. There is no sleeping with her best friend's boyfriend because she forgot to do the dishes. There is no "she's better friends with her than with me, but I knew her first!". There is no competition for the boy's attention. No there's no "she's my good friend, but I'd never let her around one of my boyfriends, cause she would steal him". None of it. Instead, these girls live in impossibly large apartments in Manhattan, love each other genuinely, and whore themselves out to any guy who smiles at them at their local coffee shop. It's every white chicks' fucking dream come true. Because when it comes down to it, every white chick kinda hates her friends, because they are all competition to her on some level. But that's a topic for another diatribe. Where Sex and the City glamorized "big girls' nite out" and girls openly talking about sex and sexuality, Friends glamorized non-snipey friendship... Friends for friends-sake.

So now we have the dating circle. This is the 90210 phenomenon where people date within a select set of characters and nobody seems to really mind. This plays into the whole Exs as friends fallacy, as well as the impossible ideal that a girl can date her best friends ex, and it will totally be cool with everyone. It's a lie that white chicks love to play along with. They can date around and around the loop and there's no consequences. No weirdness, except for probably one episode where about 2 minutes is dedicated to, "Isn't it weird?" "Well, it was, but then... now it's not" "Awesome".

So that only leaves one more thing. Friends helps to alleviate every white chick's deep seeded fear that she will somehow, someday, someway be replaced by a tiny Asian girl. I think there may have been a time where one of the guys dated an asian chick, but I'm assuming it didn't work out. Pretty much at every other time in the show, the girl characters are always the centers of attention from all the guys. This helps to allay that nagging thought that pervades a white chick's consciousness... It could happen at ANY moment. It wouldn't take too much... one wrong move and BAM! Tiny Asian chick. But here in the land of Friends, there's no chance of that ever happening. On the show, none of the dudes are ever leering at the tiny Asian chicks roaming the city of New York. And none of the guys ever sit around talking about how they'd love to date an Asian chick for a while. Yeah, it's a fucking white girl wet dream.

So why DO white chicks like 'Friends'? It's obviously a complicated question. But I guess it's the same reason guys in rural areas fuck farm animals instead of real women: Real life is a lot suckier than outrageous fantasy life. And with the Friends, at least there's no chance they're gong to shit on you (Schwimmer not included). So yeah, I understand a little WHY you chicks like Friends so much. I mean, I don't REALLY, but I kinda get it.

Ouch.

2008-12-18T17:22:00.002-05:00

So I was kinda in a rush this morning. Wanted to get to my school a little early to help set up for the holiday concert. Ya know, trying to be responsible and all. Anyways, wouldn't ya know, the subway was fucked up. Yeah, ya know, the same subway that is going to raise their rates and give me less service. Apparently there was "debris" on the 50th street track on the express line. So the 2, 3 was running local. Except that the train was stopped. On the Express track. Just hanging out. Yeah. And no 1 trains were coming. Nor did they. For almost half an hour. Yeah. So, being in a bind, I got out and hopped in a cab. Well not exactly. First I waited 8 minutes for a cab. Then I hopped in one. Then he inexplicably took a wrong turn. Yeah. But it was still fine. I would probably still make it to my school with plenty of time.

Then we got caught in some morning rush-traffic on the East side. And my cabbie thought he could pull some sort of shennanigans. Which I believe is when he started bobbing and weaving through traffic. At which point some Lexus dude plowed right into our cab. Yeah. I was fine, cabbie was fine, dude was fine. Cars were fucked. But I didn't like really have time to wait around and fill out a police report or anything. And I was in a horrible rush now, because it was dawning on me that the longer I sat there in said crashed cab, the less chance I had at making my kids' concert. So I waited another couple minutes for a new cab, after PAYING for my ride, and INEXPLICABLY tipping (out of habit? cause I felt bad he got hit by someone? Dunno).

Long story short, showed up just in time, kids kicked ass, all is fine. But A) Fuck the MTA. B) Fucking watch where you are going. Get off your goddamn cellphone.

No Fucking Shit

2008-12-17T22:29:00.002-05:00

This just in, I'm right. Again. For years I've been railing against Romantic Comedies, as they basically ruin womens' expectations of relationships. The sappy, stupid shit that chicks eat up somehow fucks with their brains. Which is why when asked by a girl to watch some such drivel, I say that I'd rather have a red-hot poker made out of my own calcified feces shoved through my rectum and pierce my heart. Too tired to expound anymore... read the article. Then look at this... it'll make you stupider.

Respect Yourself, Fool!

2008-12-16T13:50:00.002-05:00

Ummm quick shout out. You have a facebook/myspace/"friendster?"/other social networking page, right? And on it you have a pic of yourself right? And maybe you're in a relationship with someone. Don't, and I'm going to repeat myself and de-conjugate, do NOT have your profile picture be a really super cute pic of the two of you doing love-bird things. That's inane. And really grinds my gears. Are you trying to express to the world that you actually aren't a complete person, and that this other entity completes you? Are you trying to say that you are defined by other people, and this other person therefore solidifies your place in a social hierarchy of which you long to be a part of? Do you HONESTLY think that it's cute? These pics make me want to vomit into my own anus, then shit out the rectal/stomach fluid, and wash my eyes in it. I don't care how fucking hot your girlfriend is, the fact that you choose to define yourself by taking a snapshot of the two of you belies how fucking desperate and insignificant your life was before you met that person. That's fucking sad. And sorry to say it, but you two are probably going to break up. Because people who can't be ok with themselves alone tend not to be very happy on the inside. And then before you know it, BAM, she fucked some other dude who seemed like a really nice guy... So chiggidity check yourself. Also, Firefox knows the word "chiggidity" but not the word "facebook". What's that all about?

Ok

2008-12-16T00:24:00.002-05:00

So apparently, SOME of my loyal readers (that would be the Matt, Kate and Kelli Triumvirate) could understand my (still) drunken motivation for my latest blog below. You know, the one where the OBVIOUSLY fake article about how bj's lead to less breast cancer, and how everyone should blow dudes more often... The one that is a CNN.com/Health article, except that it's hosted at http://www.tatom.org/documents/CNN.com-StudyNewstudyshows.htm Ya know. Cause CNN.com ran out of space. The one that is purportedly from the AP, even though it has no author. And none of the search boxes work. And the writing is in the style of a freshman frat pledge trying to convince a drunk girl to blow him.

Let me first start by saying, perhaps, "This on should speak for itself" as a title was a little misleading. I thought ya'all could smell a turd. So I didn't think I needed to launch into a diatribe. And also, I guess my comment about moving to North Carolina was a little misleading. But shit, I was really hungover, so my brain didn't work so good.

Still don't believe me? Let me dissect this for you. Here's the lead paragraph:

Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

First of all, as far as sentece structure goes, "Doctors had never suspected a link...important link between the two" in the same sentence is not only redundant, it's awkward. NO professional writer would ever structure a thought, let alone a sentence like that. Even this humble amatuer writer would never butcher a thought in such a base way.

Here's the second paragraph:

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio and swallowed the ejaculatory fluid, over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurrence of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.

"In a study of over 15,00o women 'suspected' of having performed..." The author claims that the study saught 15,000 potential Blow Job Bettys, but then somehow mid-sentece reverses course and says, "had a lower occurence... than those who had not". The not, I'm assuming would've been the control group. Oh wait, this junior high school writer has never actually read an article about a scientific study.

Let's skip the part where it actually said, "The study is reported in Friday's Journal of Medical Research." because that journal changed it's name to the American Journal of Pathology... in 1925.

Forget the quote by Dr. AJ Kramer of Johns Hopkins, since a simple google search only returns hits about the stupid article that I am here lambasting.

I'm not even going to talk about the end of the article, which is so inane, it makes me want to puke. But how about this:

Almost every woman is, at some point, going to perform the act of fellatio, but it is the frequency at which this event occurs that makes the difference, say researchers. Also key seems to be the protein and enzyme count in the semen, but researchers are again waiting for more test data.

REALLY? You read THIS and didn't think, "wait a second here..."

So yes Kelli, it IS total bullshit. It was funny, because I started thinking about all the drunk college age sluts that douchy frat boys show that page to, trying desperately not to look too gay. And it made me smile. And the fact that you got upset by it, also kinda makes me smile. And the fact that I'm only sober enough now to offer the commentary on it that you probably deserved upfront also makes me smile.

In summation, to the fucking rhesus monkey who flung his feces as far as the internet is wide, FUCK YOU... you've made the world dumber. And you upset poor Kelli.

This one Kinda Speaks for Itself

2008-12-15T06:47:00.001-05:00

I think I'm going to move to North Carolina...

Earrings and the Social Caste System in America

2008-12-11T11:34:00.002-05:00

I guess a better title would have been: Earrings as a Determining Factor on the Social Status of Females in Modern Day America. Not that earrings actually determine a women's social worth, but they can be used as a quick definer. Here's my theorem. PS, when I someday write my compendium of all things Gurftastic, this will be the part of the eleventh tome that is all super serial for some unknown reason.

The germination of my thesis comes from my observation of a particular type of earring. The "hoop", specifically the "large hoop" earring. This also doubles as an age definer. Girls, aged somewhere between 13-17.5 seem to think that large hoop earrings are really classy. Therefore, they buy them in droves. This can be useful information if you are running a focus group for teenagers, and need to accurately recruit, or if you're a dirty old man, and perving out on young women is one of your favorite past times. It's very useful to have some sort of guide to determine if a girl you are looking at merely LOOKS young, or is in fact 16.

Sometime around 17.5-18.5, these young ladies break off inot the real-world caste system. There are two paths. College, and not-college. College usually entails the subtle and systematic dwindling of the large hoop, in exchange for the dramatically expensive diamond that was a graduation present from Grandma. As the large hoop is weeded out, and the fancier is weeded IN, the girls now turn to other methods to solidify their place in the social strata (sororities, pillow fights, sleeping with each other's boyfriends).

Not-college employs similar social strategies, minus the obvious sorority category. However, there is a distINCT difference. Not-college has an over-abundance of HOOP earrings. In fact, and I don't really mean to over-generalize, but I'm going to anyways, because that's what I do, I would venture to say, based on my life-long field study, that the adult female: hoop earring ratio is inversely proportional to the adult female: higher education ratio. Also, Puertorican chicks love hoops. Not really sure why.

Look for it in your daily travels. Pick a random assortment of people out from a crowd. There will be the mid-20's girls, trying desperately to climb to a higher level of the strata. They will be wearing some sort of earrings that are either "dangly" or slightly too fancy/classy for the outfit they are wearing. These earrings are a gift from some parent or grandparent, or friend of the family, who really hopes that these young women fulfill their potential (by marrying rich). There will be the 40+ women, whose earrings match perfectly their wardrobe that their personal stylist picked out (maybe that's more of a Madison Ave NYC thing). Then there's the HOOPS. Everywhere. Take a moment to notice the hoops. And ask yourself what social rung those hoop owners belong to. Take a deep breath. Realize that I'm right. About everything. Again.

Now the question. Can a women raise her social status by changing her earring type?

Also, this originally started out as a blog about how to tell if the hot girl on the crosstown bus is too young or not, but turned into some 1/4 baked diatribe on something pretty inane. So I'm sorry. Maybe the "Warning Signs for Pervs" blog woulda been funnier. Hard to know really.

In other news, I'm pretty sure Physical Therapy is a scam. It's like going to a salon. Wait for it. When you go get a haircut at a barber shop, they cut your hair. And maybe tell you to put some gel in it. When you get your hair cut at a salon, they make sure to tell you the brand of shampoo they're using to wash your hair. They parade around a bunch of "product" (not products), and tell you to buy their (over-priced) brand.

Well, if you ever have the pleasure of PT, you'll find something oddly similar. You go, and get some exercises to fix whatever ailment you may be having. Sometimes there's treatment with heat, or ice, or ultra-sound. And then invariably, one of the useless contraptions that they have you use, be it the ubiquitous ball-on-a-stick, or the giant swatches of rubber, or a piece of nylon with hand holds cut into it, are offered to you for purchase. And they just so happen to have them in stock. LUCKY YOU! Not that I resent the treatment or anything, but the scam leaves me with a bad taste. Always does. Like delivery confirmation. Fuck delivery confirmation.

And I'm out.

The Bailout

2008-12-07T23:21:00.000-05:00

The Bailout, as seen through the eyes of Calvin and Hobbes.

Yeah, THAT makes sense

2008-12-07T12:54:00.002-05:00

So critics have begun to complain that Obama's cabinet picks lack diversity, because they are almost exclusively all well educated and intelligent. And this is a problem WHY?

Fuck you America. Do you really think that you'd rather be governed by DUMB people like you? You can't even balance your checkbook.

How to Absolutely Suck at Business

2008-12-02T11:32:00.002-05:00

Blockbuster just won't quit. I mean, someone over there REALLY thinks that they aren't a doomed business. So, it seems Blockbuster decided to try out this internet thingy all the kids are raving about. They've teamed with Microsoft (remember them? They're the folks that thought re-branding "hotmail" as, "Windows Live Hotmail" would stave off the mass exodus to Gmail.) to bring you... well, it seems like they're not really sure WHAT they want to bring you. According to this very PRO-Blockbuster (it's a Dallas-based company) by the Dallas Morning News, Blockbuster is going to use Microsoft's LiveMesh technology... for... some...thing...cool...in the future...maybe. It seems like the technology is similar to Apple's deal, where you can rent a movie on iTunes, and play it on your AppleTV, iPhone, iPod, computer, etc, and it work seemlessly. But even the main article just postulates a few things Blockbuster might do with a similar technology, and it seems like the Chief Information Officer of the company doesn't even really know what they want to do with it. Surprise, surprise.

Dear, dear Blockbuster, when will you learn? You can't just throw buzzwords around your substandard product and expect people to lap it up. When it comes down to it, you're still the same shitty service, with more ways to get it. You suck, you're done. How about this for a new business model... And this is a freebie... you won't even have me suing you when you use it...

Blockbuster re-announces the END OF LATE FEES. Starting today, rent any title from our online catalogue for $.99. What's the catch? None. Blockbuster has committed itself to stockpiling thousands of great older, indie, and foreign film titles, in addition to it's wonderful and sumptuous collection of straight to DVD releases by Queen Latifa. Now enjoy any title for 99 cents, and keep it as long as you want. But they'll never do that. They suck. They won't be able to transition from brick-and-mortar to online focused. So they'll take their failed business model, and they'll use it until it officially bankrupts the company. Fuck YOU Blockbuster. You guys really suck. Twice this week. TWICE!

Dear Hollywood: Why do you hate me? edition

2008-11-29T21:04:00.001-05:00

What the fuck is this shit?

I mean, REALLY?

Where's Mine?

2008-11-28T23:26:00.002-05:00

How about this: All outstanding federal student loan debt is forgiven... I mean, look, these multi-BILLION dollar bailouts we are giving to irresponsible businessmen may be a "great" idea for the economy, but the fact that nearly 100% of people who try to better themselves through higher education begin their working career in debt seems like a pretty bad deal. Shit, Germany has free school. Is that a bad idea? What could be better for the economy than forgiving the debt of MILLIONS of people? Don't you think that struggling post-grads would be more apt to pay off their credit cards (the next chip to fall) if they didn't also have to pay off $120,000 for those four years at Virginia Tech? Don't you think that more young families would be able to BUY HOMES and PAY their MORTGAGES if they didn't have stifling debt? And how much do you think that it would ACTUALLY cost to forgive the outstanding debt? A Billion? Ten billion? A Hundred Billion? Certainly not the 8.5 TRILLION dollars that some calculate the bailout is currently reaching. And wouldn't you rather $100 Billion of your hard earned dollars go towards helping people who NEED it, rather than people who already squandered it? On THAT note:

Why do we still have poverty in this country? The richest fucking country in the fucking world, and 2 million children go to bed hungry every night. While we're so busy bailing out Wall Street, to stave off the collapse of the entire world's financial markets, don't you think there's a billion or 10 in there we could find to like, I dunno, buy everyone in this country a house? Or like, feed the homeless? Or build the homeless FREE housing? Or like, buy em a winter jacket? Or like, I dunno, just END poverty? But Gurftastic, that sounds like SOCIALIST ideas to me... or even... C...C...C....Communism...

Well, no it's not, dumbass. It's common fucking sense. First of all, what the FUCK is so wrong with Socialism? I mean, didn't Jesus, or whomever the FUCK you worship supposedly say the MEEK shall inherit the Earth? Don't all the Bible stories basically say, be kind to everyone and help out the poor? What's wrong with sharing wealth? What's wrong with taking someone who has nothing, and giving them a fighting chance? What's wrong with helping the homeless in this country, in which 1 out of 2 is a veteran of our armed forces? Is America the greatest country in the world? Let's prove it.

Fuck it, I'm out.

The Second Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T20:41:00.002-05:00

Everyone is always so focused on the FIRST Thanksgiving, when the semi-evil, arch-religious Puritans left Britain to practice their horrendously oppressive religion in the New World. Oh yeah, and oppress a whole new race of people (the Injuns).

But the SECOND Thanksgiving was the money one. You see, because that's the one where they had traditions. That's the one where everyone remembered how good FucksaMoose's cornbread stuffing had been, and how amazing RapesBuffalowithStick's turducken surprISE! was (hint: it's made with feces). Yes, it was the SECOND Thanksgiving, when the former Mayflower inhabitants told the story for the FIRST time, of the First Thanksgiving. So you see, really, it's the Second one that counts. That is why tomorrow, all across this nation of overeating racist hate-mongers, we come together, put aside some of our differences, and gorge ourselves on saturated fats and sweets. It's the SECOND one. Not the first. Fuck the first one. That shit sucked.

Think about it. The second time you cook a dish you've never cooked before, it's ALWAYS easier. The second time you drive to a new place, it's ALWAYS more familiar. So it stands to perfect reason that the second Thanx was the money Thanx.

Ok, I'm going to go gorge myself on Grandma's apple pie, various legs of various animals, and probably some sort of bread/onion/oil based concoction. Cluck Cluck, fuckers.

How to be Obselete in (online) Business

2008-11-25T14:47:00.002-05:00

Ok. This isn't even challenging anymore. Before I get started, make sure you're caught up on just how much I hate Blockbuster Video. Here is my previous post with links to the 3 original sins of Blockbuster, and my assailing of them and their at the time latest travesty. Here is the most recent Gurftastic post on the subject. Please verse yourself in this material. It will be important for you to understand the scope of stupidity with which we are dealing. Go ahead. I'll wait...

...

...

...

Great. Now that we're all caught up, let's dive right in.

For those of you who live in a barn, there's something called the internet. Somehow, using this series of tubes, people can watch videos. I'm not sure how. I think it uses transistors and vaccuum tubes.

So Netflix teamed up with Microsoft this week to begin offering FREE streaming of their 12000 "watch instantly" movie catalogue to Xbox Live subscribers. They've also teamed with people owning a Tivo to allow them the same service. They've also teamed with a company called Roku to offer a $99 set-top box that will allow you to get in on the sweet sweet action. This is of course, in addition to their already free to use streaming to personal computers, now mac compatible. So just to recap, for as little as 5 bucks a month, users will be able to not only rent ANY of their seemingly limitless catalogue of movies, but can stream in VARIOUS formats, any of their growing collection of "watch instantly" movies. Seems like a pretty good deal.

So Blockbuster, in a stunning move (and here I say stunning, because, if you'd actually done your reading homework, you'd have come across how their normal turn around time is in the YEARS, not weeks), has launched a plan of it's own. Enter 2wire, and the 2wire Mediapoint™ digital media player. Essentially a set-top box for $99, it comes with 25 free movie downloads. This will stream movies to your TV, from Blockbuster's collection of Movies ONDEMAND. Now, once you're over your 25 initial free downloads, you revert to their pricing scheme of what looks like $1.99 for older titles, and higher for newer titles. Oh, and you have 30 days from the date of "rental" to play the movie. Oh, and once you play it, it expires in 24 hours. Oh, and someone from Blockbuster will come to your house to sodomize your cat. Yeah. So just to recap, you buy a box that isn't as expensive as it seems, but not quite free, because it comes with 25 downloads. Then you are given Blockbuster's shitty new release catalogue, and very few older and indie films to choose from. And then you have restrictions to your rentals. And only 24 hours to watch once you start. And a sodomized cat.

Let me just say this, FUCK YOU, Lackluster. You suck so much, it's like not even fun anymore to make fun of you. Have you ever thought about what consumers WANT? NO. Why is everything you do just a shittier version of something someone else does? Why are you the Red Robin to Netflix's non-chain brand family eating establishment (Uncle Mo's Family Feedbag, anyone?)? Where in your infantile little brain did it seem like THIS master plan was a good fucking idea? Do people actually still go to your stores? I think I'm going to start protesting your stores. Because they're a bad idea. And they suck. True, Netflix doesn't have their ENTIRE catalogue in streamable mode yet. But like, I watched No Country for Old Men two nites ago streamed to the Xbox. It was fucking awesome. And like, uhhh, A) I didn't "pay" for it, B) it's still there for me to watch again, C) it's not going to explode and run back to the internets whence it came. Basically the only flaw I can see in Netflix's approach is the Roku box, which seems to make a lot of sense, but not offer any incentives (like an unsodomized cat). Maybe they'll work out a three months free of Netflix or some such. Anyways, all I know is, I'm pretty sure Blockbuster Movies On Demand sucks on cable, so why wouldn't it suck worse on the internet? Do I REALLY need to see Legally Blonde II right NOW??????

FUCK YOU Blockbuster! Eat my shit. Choke. Choke on my shit. Choke on my shit and shit yourself. And then have to go to a meeting. And smell like my shit and your shit. Fuck you.

Awesome Awesomeness

2008-11-23T23:06:00.002-05:00

Victor Borge is a class act:

I think you'll agree that for making it up on the spot, that's like one of the best Czardas's you've ever heard... Also, I like music.

It's Official

2008-11-23T20:51:00.002-05:00

People in NYC are crazy. This is an actual posting from Craiglist's MISSED CONNECTIONS. Now before I get started on just how ridiculous the postings are in general— "I sat next to you from JFK to LA, but didn't say hi. Anyways, thought you were really cute..."— let me just say this, most likely the person you saw once on a subway or whatever whom you thought was cute or nice or whatever, but never sac'd up to talk to, or in the case of chicks, vag-ed up, probably forgot about your existence completely. But everyone has dreams of nycdreamgirl.com or some such bullshit. Anyways, behold, from a posting entiteled, "Lincoln Tunnel... You let me merge in front of you"

You could be married for all I know. But, you were so sweet to let me merge in front of you today at the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel going towards New Jersey. I was headed to Home Depot, and you exited before I did. You were driving a black infinity (?) SUV. I was driving a black SUV too. Anyway, I thought you were cute. I'd love to buy you a cup of coffee to say thanks! =)

Just for the record, A) you are incredibly desperate, and I hate you. B) do you really think that someone allowing you to merge warrants a date? REALLY? Are you fucking for REAL? So like, if he shows up to the date, does that instantly qualify him for a handi in the bathroom? FUCK you.

One more thing

2008-11-08T01:43:00.002-05:00

Thanks, America. On behalf of the entire world, whom you know I speak for, thank you for actually delivering into office someone who CAN (not WILL, but CAN, as in is laden with potential TO) bring our standing as a world LEADER back. He's smart, he's compassionate, he's well spoken, he's well-read, he's easy to like, and oh yeah, he's a halfie... And he's pretty much the best thing that's happened to this country in a long fucking time.

Fleeting Thoughts

2008-11-08T01:23:00.001-05:00

Ok, let's say you live in a doorman building. So already, the guy who lets you in your place knows all your business... Now lets say you're trying to get some nookie on the side... Your doorman REALLY knows your business now... Are you gonna have to like, give em hush money to keep yourself out of trouble? These are the things that worry me. That, and the random things that broke off from my spine and are now floating around my back...

Most...Epic...Cockblock...EVER

2008-11-07T12:03:00.001-05:00

Brian Williams... JESUS CHRIST... On one of the most historic days this country has ever seen, NBC's Brian Williams lays down what could be the most Epic CockBlock in the HISTORY OF MANKIND. The little brunette girl sitting to the reporter's Right (stage left) was digging on the kid all night long. Fast forward to minute, I dunno, 2:15... it's amazing...

Word

2008-11-05T01:59:00.001-05:00

I asked Mead tonight, "Does this mean we're no longer a racist country?" He said, "No, not at all..."

And he's probably all too right. But still... kinda nice to think that maybe some progress has been made.

And boy, won't it be nice to have a President who can actually form a coherent sentence?

Do they have Arugula in DC?

A Serious Question

2008-10-31T13:05:00.002-04:00

How does Superman shave?

I mean, if I'm supposed to believe that a single strand of his hair can suspend a 5,000 pound ball (see: Superman IV), and suspend disbelief that Lex could cut said hair to create his evil Superman clone (who was blond for some reason), am I to believe that Superman doesn't shave? I mean, he's humanoid in every other way...

So this leads us to an interesting conjecture... Does he have Kryptonite tipped razor blades? I'm assuming not, since that could like kill him. And don't start in with the whole, "he just uses his heat-ray vision" argument, because that's stupid. How would he see his face? And also, he'd melt the mirror that you are about to suggest. So don't. You're dumb.

So what is it then? How does Superman shave? Discuss.

And Another Thing

2008-10-30T20:42:00.001-04:00

I hope your kid breaks his leg.

Dear Old People: Email Edition

2008-10-30T20:35:00.002-04:00

And by "Old People" I mean pretty much anyone who says "Web 2 point oh", has an aol email account, or still uses Internet Explorer as their primary web browser. You people hurt me emotionally. But there's one thing that I think is not TOO much to ask, that I really wish you could grasp.

It involves email. I know you know what email is. And that's a really, REALLY good start. So let's say you get an email from a friend. If you want to write back to that friend, you know you push the "reply" button. That's also really awesome. You are doing really well. Pretty soon, then internet will be coming to YOU for advice.

So here's the thing. Supposing your friend sent an email to you, but also to a few other people who might be interested in the topic. This can be called CC'ing, or carbon-copying, but it could just be a mass mail. Either way. So when you want to respond to your friend, you still click that happy, "Reply" button. When you want to respond to say, I dunno, EVERYONE on the list, you click "Reply to All". What I don't understand is why, after getting some mass email, you IE using, AOL address having, old piece of shit, click REPLY ALL to send your friend some fucking useless story about your kid's soccer game, that CLEARLY is not meant for everyone on the list. I don't understand what's so FUCKING confusing about the REPLY ALL button. It says "ALL". You're a fucking idiot. FUCK YOU!

Ummmm

2008-10-17T13:06:00.002-04:00

Anyone else feel slightly uneasy with the whole idea of both presidential candidates roasting each other and joking around with a bunch of media heavies? I mean... it's not The GROVE, but it's like a little sketchy...

Weird, right?

On the last debate:

2008-10-16T00:01:00.002-04:00

Ummm... can't we just vote already? And also, why was like half the debate devoted to whether or not Obama is running negative ads? Like O said, the people don't really care who said what... they want to know what you're going to DO about the FUCKED UP state of the nation.

Things I like about Manhattan at Rush-hour

2008-10-15T08:57:00.000-04:00

...

Dear LA Hipsters:

2008-10-11T11:53:00.002-04:00

Dear LA Hipsters,

You're doing it wrong.

Sincerely,

Herman C. Gurftastic

HooseHain

2008-10-11T11:29:00.002-04:00

Ummm, STL Today (I'm assuming that's some sort of paper in the St. Louis area) has a great article on it's endorsement of Obama. Read it HERE. It talks about his qualifications. It talks about why him versus McCain. But probably the most striking thing, is that it doesn't mention his race until the very end:

Finally, only at this late point do we note that Barack Obama is an African-American. Because of who he is and how he has run his campaign, that fact has become almost incidental to most Americans. Instead, his countrymen are weighing his talents, his values and his beliefs, judging him not by the color of his skin, but the content of his character.

That says something profound and good — about him as a candidate and about us as a nation.

The author's reference to MLK aside, I'm kinda inclined to agree... although I think about HALF of America is judging him SOLELY on the color of his skin... Aka: He's an Arab...

One last thing

2008-10-07T02:00:00.001-04:00

Before I venture off to the West for a bit...

WHY ISN'T ANYONE UP IN ARMS OVER THE FACT THAT PALIN STILL HASN'T GIVEN A PRESS CONFERENCE? It's like less than a month till the election, and she's yet to take questions from reporters. Obviously we know why... but like, rather than reporting on her, why don't reporters band together and force her to actually give a press conference. Like put a moratorium on stories about her until she agrees... seems pretty simple actually.

And peace.

WTF GOOGLE

2008-10-05T22:30:00.002-04:00

What the FUCK is this?

I know him.

2008-10-04T14:11:00.000-04:00

Caleb Rocks... They interviewed me for the article, but the only quote I gave em was, "His name on Halo is wangojesu".

F**K It!

2008-10-02T09:53:00.001-04:00

Palin

2008-09-30T09:57:00.003-04:00

Let's face it. She's a fucking idiot. So yeah, there IS a reason that the McCain camp won't let her hold a press conference. And yeah, there IS a reason she's only allowed on tour WITH him now. And yeah, they ARE freaked out that she's going to be completely incomprehensible on Thursday night. But like... I mean, my feeling is that America kinda DESERVES her. Wait for it... Basically blah blah blah, this is a country of blathering morons. I mean, we "elected" Bush twice. So, it's not REALLY that big of a stretch for me to see us electing McCain and the former Ms. Alaska. I mean... seriously. The fact that people even LIKE this woman boggles my mind. She's a BLATHERING IDIOT. But I guess it's reassuring to know that she's "qualified" to be President. I mean. WHAT? WHAT? The fact that this close to the race the ENTIRE Republican party isn't calling for her immediate removal from the ticket leaves me flabbergasted. That's right. Flabbergasted. I mean... really... REALLY? Wake up America. If Obama had picked, I dunno, your buddy Tom's Mother as his running mate, don't you think the "liberal" media would DESTROY him about it? And yet, the press doesn't seem to mind the fact that she hasn't given a press conference yet. Not ONE. NADA. So, in a way, she's kinda ready to lead. I mean the Bush whitehouse is all about secrecy... maybe the new policy will be "no press". Interesting.

Super Cute

2008-09-29T19:16:00.002-04:00

So, I started one of my new teaching gigs today— for those of you who don't know, teaching music to under-privileged kids in town. We set up the instruments, and demo-ed em for the kiddies. The first was a group of 6th graders. During this session, after we'd played the instruments, we let them come and try some instruments. My table was the brass table (obvi). I had a trumpet and a trombone there. Most kids gravitated towards the trumpet (probably because it's like totally the awesomest ever). But one little guy, immediately took to the trombone. He actually made a good sound on the thing, and seemed to fit him naturally. He tried the trumpet, but couldn't make a buzz (a common thread amoung some of the kids, that the trombone buzzed easier, leading to my new theory that trombone is the easiest instrument ever, other than saxaphone and euphonium). Long story, somewhat shorter, all the kids signed up for their top 3 instrument choices, and the kid came up to me and asked, "Will there be enough trombones? I really want to play it. I have to play it. The music is in me".

And I totally thought that was just about the best thing I've ever heard.

Pretty Great

2008-09-23T13:01:00.001-04:00

Gotta love Cracked.com...

WOAH!

2008-09-20T10:10:00.000-04:00

What the fuck is THIS?

How to be Obselete in Business

2008-09-15T10:33:00.002-04:00

Taking a page from Blockbuster's playbook (the one where you keep thinking that jumping into an market that has long since passed you by with old and buggy technology that nobody wants to use is a GOOD idea), Best Buy announced that it is buying Napster. NAPSTER. Remember Napster? Yeah, the one that started it all. Well, fucking Napster, also known as CRAPSTER, which now SELLS songs in the much vaunted DRM-free mode (seems to have really vaulted their business... yeah) apparently needs someone to buy them. Apparently they have 700,000 subscribers. WHAT? Who are these people? My guess is they are the same people who's email addresses end in "@aol.com". I mean, and AOL is going to an ad-based service, no longer offering subscription service, figuring that THAT will boost revenue. But I digress...

Best Buy, the most ubiquitous of big box electronics and more stores seems to be right around that Krispy-Kreme breaking point, where companies have over-expanded so much that they become irrelevant. Best Buy thinks that adding Napster to its ranks will help it expand it's customer base and reach new avenues of revenue. Really? Because you are too lazy to develop your own online music retail site, you figure it'd be easier to buy one with a failing business model? REALLY?

And as Worst Buy's press release was sure to mention (otherwise the author of the article sure as shit never would have), Best Buy is already committed to "wireless technology" adding cell phone stores to all of their branches. Wow. Look at all that technology. Gosh.

What Best Buy doesn't understand is this: They really made a name for themselves in the 90's by selling CD's next to their electronics. Walking into a Best Buy, one will STILL find a huge selection of "today's hits and yesterday's favorties". But buying CD's is so pre-Tower Records on 66th street closing. So some CFO looks at the figures and says, "Music is down 45% from 10 years ago. What gives Al?" Al says, "I dunno sir, perhaps people aren't listening to music anymore. I'll look into it." Al calls Charlene, his former temp with the huge ass, but the cute face who's image he used to jack off to while his kids were sleeping and his wife was out fornicating with the tennis instructor. Charlene now works for BMI records. Al gets her on the line, and she says, "Al, are you insane? People still love music. Probably more so than they used to. We're still making tons of money here. But not as much as we used to. We're used to fleecing the populace for a product at an artificially inflated price. And we would've gotten away with it to, if it wasn't for those damn kids, and their Napster or whatever it is they're using to download music". So Al asks his assistant Silvia what the HELL that all meant. Silvia, a recent Harvard grad with a spurrilous wit, tosses aside her golden blond locks that lay on the shoulder pad of her DKNY Clinton-esque pants-suit, and says, "Al, really? Today, with the advent of the internet, people are able to put music on their computers." Al, now frantic calls his son Toby. Toby is good with computers. Toby can't answer, because he's in school. But Toby showed Al how to "text". Remembering that "the Tobster" is in school during the day, Al shoots him a text which reads, "How do i doenlid musiv." Toby responds, "Lol. Get Napster". BINGO. Al's heard that word twice. Good enough for him! Little did he know that Toby only said "Napster" because he figured explaining to his dad AGAIN about how iTunes works, or god-forbid trying to explain Bit-Torrent would end up with him not allowed to watch the plasma for 4 days like it did last time he called his dad technologically-declined. So Toby figured Napster would be easy to explain and so he followed up with "google it". After 20 minutes of figuring out how to respond to a text to say thanks, Al fires up America Online. After reading the top headlines, he types into the search bar, "napster", and is eventually taken to a link to Napster's site. A few minutes of low intensity browsing go by. Several ads for porn pop up. Al clicks a few that feature secretaries with big asses and cute faces. Then he realizes that they monitor his work computer browsing. He's not sure how. He figures there's a camera in his office. Satisfied that Napster is indeed a way to download music based on all the things he's read on the website, and based on the number of hits for news stories he's seen (not paying attention to the date), Al makes the call to the CFO. "Jim, I've got your answer. It seems that people are upploading music off of the internet, and downloading it from CD's onto their computers, and then wirelessly on their... on their.... they have iPods." Jim listens intently. "Sounds technical. What do we do?". "Well," continues Al, now ready for his big reward, "there's a company called Napster that specializes in internets. They've got a store set up already on one of em. I say we buy them, and then people will do their music from us". "Brilliant. Al, I don't know how you keep up with all this, but you deserve a raise. Congrats". "Thanks Jim! I'm going out for Taiwanese whores after work to celebrate, you in?" "Can't tonite, Al, it's Jamie's Catilian ball. Lot's of underage ass around, wouldn't miss it. Think one of her friends is kinda into me." "Go get her, you old dog!"

I'm pretty sure that's about how it went. I guess what I mean to say is, BUYING OUTDATED TECHNOLOGY THAT SUCKS THAT NOBODY USES AND IS ESSENTIALLY THE JOKE OF THE MODERN TECH WORLD WILL NOT IMPROVE YOUR STANDING AS A TECH-SAVVY COMPANY. When you start advertising your new music store "powered by Napster", I don't think it's name-recognition will do you any good. Since it sucks. I mean, like 10 years ago, it was a name. Yeah. So I mean, you're right on track. Your company colors are the same as Blockbusted, I guess your business decisions are being made by the same monkeys. Enjoy!

Ike Ike Baby

2008-09-13T08:35:00.003-04:00

OK, so I went onto the world wide W today to look for some news about Ike. I'm a little concerned Selly is like right in the path of it down in H-town, so I wanted to get some news on the storm. After I got my fill on Google News, I went on over the CNN. Ya know, the most "trusted" name in news. Yeah. And here's the pic they posted of Ike's storm.

Ummm... That is the FAKEST thing I've ever seen. The dude is OBVIOUSLY holding himself up (notice the placement of his hands). Were he to be trying to hold on, both hands would be grasping the pole to prevent him from being blown back. This position allows him to support his body weight. FAKERS. I hate you.

Real quick

2008-09-09T00:18:00.003-04:00

OK, I don't really have the energy to dive into all the details of the latest epic move in the life of Gurf. Special friend awards to KC, Gflizo, Meadyfresh, and Isrea. You guys kick ass. Tomorrow will come a special diatribe on that whole thing.

No, this is a quick, one-off about a weird tech thought I just had. Basically, was on myspace, and doing a little be-stalkery, checking out some random chick's pics, and the first pic was the typical myspace artsy vanity shot. She looked great. The second and fourth pic were weird. Don't remember the third. But the two in question were both close-up head-shots. And the girl had a MASSIVE zit on her chin in both. Different sides each time. So two massive zits in a 4 pic span, which amounts to the totality of her herspace. Yeah. And the first thought that snapped into my sick mind was, "Photoshop girl, DAMN"... And I mean, it's fine... I have zits, you have zits, we all break out from time to time, but like, unless this is some chronic shit, and that's like the BEST it's ever looked, either A) find a pic where you're not breaking out, or B) airbrush the shit out of your ugly fucking face. Honestly, I spend my time looking at the finely groomed mugs of some of the world's hottest women. The LEAST you could do is TCB a little...

Allow Me to Elucidate You

2008-08-30T13:41:00.002-04:00

OK, this whole "Hillary Supporters for McCain" thing is really starting to piss me off. McCain's ex-adviser is right, we've become a nation of "whiners". Look, Hillary lost. The primaries are in place so that each party can choose a candidate best suited for the general election. Both Obama and Clinton are powerful candidates and wildly popular. But she lost. She didn't win. It was a race, and she lost. That's why Obama is the candidate. You'll notice you don't see millions of "Mormons for Obama" who are pissed that Mitt Romney lost. Why do you think that is? Certainly not because Republicans are any less moronic than you are.

But you are delusional. I fail to see how attempting to put McCain in the White House does ANYTHING good for A) the country, B) Hillary, C) you. I mean, do you honestly think that if he wins, then 4 years from now Hillary will be President? REALLY? LIKE REALLY???? Or, are you really dumb enough to vote for McCain/Palin because there's a woman on the ticket? I mean, I know women have smaller brains, so I'm sure it's been really hard to figure out... but like, REALLY??

WAKE UP PEOPLE! You're pissing me off.

WHY GURF, WHY????

2008-08-29T20:03:00.002-04:00

Because.

I've often been asked, "Why pajamas"? Well friends, enemies, casual readers, die-hards... there's two reasons. The original intent of the Jammy Jam ala 2006 was to throw a party where *hopefully* some scandalous shit would go down, and it would be memorable and yadda yadda... The first such occasion for a party happened to be shortly after Halloween, and we must've been in a dress-up sorta mood. And we all know that girls like to "ho it up" for Halloween, so we were hoping to capitalize on some of that sweet action as well.

But the second reason, and the reason I've repeated the JAM as much as possible is because of the deconstruction. One of my passions in life (the other is porn) is deconstructing people. Well, yeah... egos mostly. I like to shred people of what they cling to. This is why, when your friend meets me for the first time, they probably think I'm a jerk, and it's not until they hang out with me again, with someone ELSE who's new to me, and realize that I lay into them just as fiercely and it was nothing personal, and then they think I'm funny. And probably still an ass. But I have this unique ability to see the thing that people try to hide from the world. The ego-fear. And I exploit it. It amuses me, and I don't really give a fuck if it hurts your feelings. You should deal with your issues. I'm merely expediting the process. Don't get me wrong, other people enjoy watching me eviscerate your comfort zone as much as I enjoy your response to it. But I can't be friends with people who put up a front, so I let you know from the moment you meet me, I see right through you.

So the pajamas for me are the deconstruction of the party. People go to parties to be SEEN. Girls put on their sluttiest dress, guys wear their tightest shirts, everyone slathers themselves in all manner of stink covering odors, and you go sit or stand or dance or drink or smoke or whatever, and posture. You put up this front, hoping to Spaghetti that someone there finds you interesting enough to carry on a conversation with. You go to a party, and you look your best, and even if you never really give a fuck about how you look, for some reason THAT night you care. Why? Are you being judged? Do you really think that your friends care? What is it about the PARTY that makes people feel the need to turn a gathering into an OCCASION?

Pajamas eliminate that bullshit. Everyone looks goofy in PJ's. You can buy the best looking PJ's in the world, and really look sharp, and you're still showing up to a party in pajamas. It's fucking brilliant. It is the equalizer. We all look ridiculous. Even at Halloween, some people's costumes are much lamer than others, some people spend way too much money or thought on theirs. Pajamas are simple, and provide for creativity, but also serve to balance out this thing... I'm no billionaire, but I will look equally as ludicrous busting a move in my pj's as the old-money partying next to me. There's no labels, no need to vibe or compare. No tight jeans (CJ), no need. NO posturing. Just jammies. It's fucking brilliant. And if you don't get it, you probably didn't get invited anyways, so fuck off.

Yeah

2008-08-27T23:47:00.001-04:00

Goddamit I love Clinton. I mean, I really felt like he was being a total cockbag during Hillary's campaign... and yet, I watch this tonite, and FUCK, I love that squirrely bastard...

I heart you

2008-08-27T00:15:00.001-04:00

I still heart you Dennis Kucinich... I've said it once and I'll say it again... he might be diminutive, he might think that he was abducted by aliens, but he kicks so much ass, it's not even funny...

What does it mean to YOU?

2008-08-13T12:44:00.002-04:00

I tried to do my laundry last nite. That was a big mistake. Incidentally, when is "nite" going to officially be the correct spelling for the word "night"? It's about time. How does one petition that sorta thing, because writing "nite" and having Firefox underline it in red is really starting to piss me off.

So there's this 24-hour laundromat on the corner here in beautiful Bangledeshi Brooklyn. So I get my stuff in the wash around 10pm, because I've been contemplating the mysteries of the universe until that time, ok? Anyways, stuff is in the dryer around 11:15. Now it's totally cool to leave and come back and nobody steals your crap which is great. So at 12:20, as I leave the apartment and walk to the corner to unload my dryer full of clothes that I payed to dry for 64 minutes, imagine my surprise at seeing the owner of said 24-hour laundromat walking towards me. I asked her, "are you still open?". The next is a series of events that I'm not quite sure actually happened, because I really can't fathom it.

In some sort of Enlgish/Russian/Angry tone of voice, she explained to me that they were closed.

"But you're a 24-hour laundromat... open 24-hours... it says so on the giant illuminated sign out front".

"Who's going to pay to keep it open 24-hours. Who pays for the electricity?"

"I dunno... why are you a 24-hour laundromat?"

"Who pays? YOU PAY?"

"No. I'm sorry, I just assumed when I put my clothes in for an hour that the laundromat would be open an hour later when I came to get my clothes".

"I put alarm on for police now"

"Would it be too much trouble just to open up and let me get my things, it'll be two minutes and we're right here"

"Come back, 7 am."

"Please, I had no idea, the giant sign out front that says, 'Laundromat, 24-hours, 7-days' confused me into thinking for some reason that you were open 24-hours"

"Who will pay for that?"

"I'm sure I don't know"

And it went on like this for approximately 10 minutes. The short of it is, I got my shit out of there, but not before promising to never again assume that the place would be open. Yeah.

Also, pretty sure the mouse (mice) that are living in the apartment here are getting fat on the bait, but not doing that whole "dying" thing. Like when one of em actually destroyed the trap that neither Matt nor I knows how to work, and managed to get out with the peanut butter bait, without losing his head or at the very least, a tail piece...

Yeah...

On Sexuality and Subway Sandwiches

2008-08-09T19:10:00.000-04:00

Went into Subway today, hoping that a foot-long phallus of meat and
veggies could cure the ache my post-birthday hangover and subsequent
Gatorade-inhale-a-thon had caused. Imagine my surprise when I was
told that they were "out of food". Normal Gurf would've immediately
said something akin to, "Wow, the global food crisis finally hits
close to home". But I was hungover and when that happens my brain no
work so good. It was pretty surreal. Partly because there were
several customers in the franchise enjoying what can only be described
as "food", or I suppose "foodstuffs" if you want to try and get all
syntax police on I. It almost seemed like a hidden camera show.
Here were several people happily munching away, and trying to explain
to me that there's no food. You can imagine that this was hard for me
to comprehend. It was like someone had chosen to run a special
sociological experiment on me. The girl who just got on the subway
has awesome cleveage. Yeah I'm mobi-bloggin' in case you had visions
of me with a desktop workstation, and battery cells all hooked up and
keeping my stream of consciousness flowing.

It was sometime during this period of my hangover that I like to call
the "unusually rare moment of clarity" that I realised something about
the society in which we live. We are just like Ancient Greece.
Here's where of gets a little fuzzy, so bear with me while I attempt
to decipher. Essentially our society has become pretty much saturated
with sex. We have a sex consciousness that is unparalleled with any
that has existed in this modern age. Ancient Greeks, those kinky
fucks, were into all manner of sex, sex parties, and sexual
exploration. Men, women, boys, girls, dogs, goats... Whatever. Didn't
matter. People accepted sex as a natural and beautiful thing, but I
think even more so as an expression of the individuality of the human
experience. I mean, all of their religious stories are about the Gods
coming down from Heaven to pork hot chicks. If that isn't a culture
in touch with sex, I dunno what is.

Flash forward to Britney's vagina. America is literally drowning in
sex. The intertron has made the availability of information on all
manner of sex a few one-handed keystrokes away from anyone willing to
click a button that says they are old enough to view such things.
Everywhere you look we are literally smacked in the sex organs with
sex. Of course here I'm defining the retina as a sex organ, not so
much because you use it for sex, although I'm sure someone has tried
and probably has documented it on the world wide net. No, I say more
because a large portion of what we do to determine what we find sexual
and alluring and attractive involves out eyes. And we are inundated
with sex. It's on every billboard, in the subway, on giant screens in
times square, on the cover of the rags, on magazine stands, it's 68%
(probably more by now) of the content on the Internet, on the news and
even the "news" (sorry, Fox, I know sex sells, but you guys show more
ass per telecast than the Playboy Channel. And showing it to
show how wrong it is is totally not why you do it. You do it because
we want to see it....). It's even in childrens' tv programming. I'm
not talking chimo porn, I'm talking more about always using the most
beautiful people for
Tv, the cutesy kids, who may not be sexual yet, but even still are
grooming your children to value their attractiveness. Yeah.

So is it any wonder with all this around us constantly that our
culture has begun exploring it's... Uhhh... DARKER side. Furries,
beastiality, pegging, body modification, and gender dysmorphia to name
a few in a vast field. I've seen a lot of sick shot in my day. I
mean, way more twisted ass shit than anyone from my father's
generation had ever imagined. You can't honestly tell me your father
had seem something as sick as 2girls1cup by the time he was your
age... And that's INCLUDING the donkey show he saw in Tijuana. And
that's not really the worst thing I've seen, unfortunately. Not that
I beat off to sick shit, more like I watch things like that for
recreation. People actually do find scat sex awesome and want to
partake in it. Not my bag, but I find it fascinating that people are
into things so far outside of what we consider the 'norm'.

And despite what the South and the Christian Right would like you to
believe, everyone fucks, everyone (almost) likes some form of sexual
release, and everyone has a fantasy that really gets them going. The
ultra-conservative minded often are the ones scandalizing the tags
with their sorded and twisted sexual liasons.

So I guess what I'm saying is, my unusually rare moment of clarity
afforded me the vision of a future where you're allowed to give a
transexual prostitute a ride home at 3am and not have it be a huge
scandal.

Then This Happened

2008-08-02T13:23:00.001-04:00

On Classical Music

2008-08-02T13:19:00.002-04:00

I've oft thought of the future of classical music... what with nobody really listening to it anymore...

Ben Zander does something in 20 minutes here, that I hope we can all take with us a little bit... if only more outreach like this could take place...

REALLY?????

2008-07-24T21:40:00.003-04:00

Decided to watch a lil' of Obama in Berlin, since I heard it was like a pretty moving speech... Anyways, here's what I saw...

How's that for targeted advertising? Pretty creepy. Ummm if you can't see that well, it says, "Is it OK to Unconditionally Meet With Anti-American Foreign Leaders?" and has a picture of our Buddy in Iran, next to a menacing/unflattering pic of Obama. Nice guys, classy. At the bottom in small text says, "Paid for by John McCain for President 2008".

Now I don't want this to become a totally politico blog, because that's real lame, and I know a lot of things I've said on here of late is real politico-ey... but if you haven't listened to Obama speak, it really is worth a listen. If you're a repub, a dem, a far-left, a far-right... whatever... it's something you should do... I don't care if you're gonna vote for him or not. I think everyone should experience a truly great orator once in their life. Here is a man who can speak and inspire, and I think it's probably a good idea to be aware of that kinda thing... so get yourself on the youtube, which is on the internets, owned by the google. That's on the computer. And check it.

In OTHER news: Ummmm sometime soon I'll tell you about the eeriest week of my life... but not now... Now I'm tired.

People Funny.

2008-07-05T19:07:00.002-04:00

SO I just stumbled upon (not using stumbleupon) this little ditty from the genius that is CRACKED!.com (remember when they were just a busted version of Mad Magazine?) comparing the 70's starlets to today's harlots. I got to after reading THIS gem.

Enjoy.

It's about TIME

2008-07-03T12:55:00.001-04:00

Dear Google,

Thank you. For almost a year (well not really, cause iPhone only came into my life like 6 months ago), I've waited. And now you've given it to me. Google Talk, for iPhone!!!!

Thanks,

Gurftastic

Dear Dude:

2008-07-01T18:43:00.002-04:00

Thanks for getting up from your seat on the subway as the train went into the station, coming over to stand in front of me, farting, then walking back towards where you were sitting, and getting off the train. Thank you for timing this maneuver to coincide with a really cute girl coming over to sit near me, so that it seemed as though it was me who was practically dumping in my pants on the train. Thanks.

69 dudes

2008-06-28T11:57:00.003-04:00

Last post was number 69 on the google... hehe...

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good."

-Samuel Johnson

Interesting sentiment that I've been thinking about a lot lately.

Convo

2008-06-28T01:56:00.000-04:00

Cute but Drunk Girl (CBDG): Hey!

Me: Hey, what's up?

CBDG: (drunk laughter and stumbling) I really need to talk to you...

Me: Oh yeah?

CBDG: So it's my birthday!

Me: Happy birthday!!!

CBDG: And I need to tell you something...

Me: mmmk...

CBDG: Yeah, my hot friend thinks you're really cute...

Me: Awesome! Who's your friend?

CBDG: That guy right there...

Me: Wah-wah-wah-waheeaheeaheeahhhh!!!!

Then I was told my glasses were "a little gay" and my hair "wasn't
helping" Awesome. Yeah. Not that it's not flattering and all,
but like, Yyyyyyeeeeaaaaahhhhhh...

Two Things I Don't Understand

2008-06-26T21:51:00.001-04:00

And it involves the gay community. Go figure, right? Ok, here goes...

What's with twinky gay boys taking on effeminate traits? Like if a
guy is attracted to other guys, wouldn't taking on a trait that is
feminine turn him off? What's the deal there?

And by the same token, what's with those lesbian girls who dress like
dudes? Short hair, boy's pants, etc... I don't understand. Can
someone explain these things to me, because I'm stupid...

Thanks.

RIP George Carlin

2008-06-23T11:33:00.002-04:00

One of the brightest and funniest men alive is no longer, well, alive. Here's a small clip of one of my favorite routines. Here's hoping someone honest comes along to try and fill the void left by him...

Update

2008-06-17T11:37:00.002-04:00

As promised... a few more that I had forgotten:

Carol, GILF, Mortal Enemy, Pocohantas, Proletariat, Snoopy, Stalky

All in all, not a bad little list, considering that almost everyone in the place got a nickname.

In other news, I want an InNOut Burger.

Start Mentally Preparing Yourself to Lick the Shit-Truck

2008-06-16T13:18:00.002-04:00

Ok, so I know you've missed me. I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me... I just feel like we've grown apart. You're great and everything, I just need some space. It's just that I've grown up and you've stayed the same. The more I live life the more I realize I need to live MY life. I guess what I'm trying to say is, will you move in with me?

For those of you who missed it, The Brass went to Canada for a few weeks of debauchery. Highlights: After a 12 hour drive, and a lot of Wild-Turkey, I puked all over the side of a hill, and rolled down it (not necessarily in that order). Then I woke up at 6 am, and climbed into John's sleeping bag, prompting him to wonder how someone who went to bed 3 hours before, practically DEAD, could be up fucking with him at such an ungodly hour. Good times.

We were convinced that everyone was afraid of us kwazey New Yorkers...

Then Matt arrived. Always a bad idea. The first night, he decided to freak out the squares. Yadda, yadda, yadda, dislocated my finger in the ensuing ruckus, yadda, yadda, yadda threw a boulder at him jokingly, but the McGill contingent was like, "Those guys are fucking nuts..."

Some night that first week, Mafoo met a bottle of Vodka that he couldn't resist. Their relationship ended badly, when he drunkenly lost his blackberry, and was screaming at me at 3 AM trying to get the keys to my car to look for it. When I was like, "no" he then proceeded to try a little "ethnic cleansing" within the quintet. After a pretty good shove, which left a bruise on my chest, I feel over backwards and landed awkwardly on my head. Big bump, thought I broke a toe in there somewhere also... but all appears to be fine. Wait, who are you? He felt bad enough to say that I can use his room as a toilet when I move in this week. At least that's what I got from the conversation.

Also, there was a shit-truck. Imagine a septic tank pumping truck, but instead of like, housing all the feces in the tank, it also was covered in shit, and also smelled like the most potent shit stank you've ever smelled, so that even if you are driving near it, with the windows up and the air circulation restricted to recycling the flow of air from within the car, it still smells bad enough to make you wanna puke. Now imagine Matt offers to lick the shit truck to make amends for my semi-broken toe. And the welty-bruise that used to be my skull.

As always seems to happen when me, the Matts, JEE and Selly get together, everyone starts getting nicknames. Below is the compendium of Domaine Forget nicknames, alphabetized for your convenience:

Albino Horn Chick, Algonquin, Annoying Horn Chick, Avril Lavign, Big Red, Big Tit Tuba Chick, Box Office Chicks, Brad's Girl, Bruised Ego, Damien, Eight-Year-Old Boy, Foosball King, Gardner 2.0, Gurf's Nemesis, Granny, Hebrew Hunter, Inuana, Jester 2.0, Le Sklunt, Lesbian Horn Chick, Lesbian Trumpet Chick, Little Trumpet Dude, Natural Trumpet Dude, Plain Jane, Power Bottom, Shelf, Sinead, Slagathor, Sri Lanka, The Sideler, Twinky Trumpet Dude, Wenis

Not to be outdone, through some covert recon, Gurftastic learned that that the Frenchie chicks had nicknames for some of the BBQ. The only ones I was able to learn before the storm troopers arrived were, "Sexy Matt", and "Just Matt". Sorry, JUST Mafoo... Wah-Wah...

There's a lot more to tell, like how fucking stereotypical the town was, and how uppitty all the Frenchies were about everything, and how the was practically an all-out Frenchie chick throw-down... but ummm perhaps I'll leave that for another time... Also, I'm pretty sure there's more nicknames I'm leaving out, so I'll have to get back to with updates as needed...

Been a Long Time

2008-05-23T13:11:00.003-04:00

I've missed you. I know we only had a little time together, but I really felt like we were getting to know each other.

Let's get reacquainted. My name is Gurfastic, and I hate most of the shit Hollywood saddles our population with. Check THIS out. Went to see Iron Man last week with DJSkram. I was not disappointed. I'd heard that it wasn't well directed (not true). John Favreau did a great job in my opinion. If there was anything I didn't dig, it was the fact that there wasn't really enough KICKIN' ASS scenes. I mean, he like builds the thing, kicks serious ass in it for like 4 minutes once, and that's pretty much the only non-busted fight scene you get.

Granted, they were basically setting up the sequel, so there's that...

I think my next door neighbor is a vocal coach for the Met. Except that she's in the next building over. But our buildings touch. And so like I can hear her singing, or coaching all day, and she has to hear me practice. Two nites ago, they were working on the hot water pipes in my building till midnite, and it sounded like they were drilling somewhere... it was loud. She opens her window and yells, "Hey Fuckers! Shut the Fuck UP!". Kinda funny, considering she's like 80.

I heard that this new Indiana Jones movie involves Area 51. Why is it that everything George Lucas touches turns to shit lately? And wouldn't Speilberg have like overruled him on that, having still some grasp of what a good movie is?

And I'm spent.

A blast from the past

2008-05-01T17:13:00.002-04:00

Anyone who knows me can tell you, and anyone who's read anything I've ever written in this space can probably conjecture, that I'm not really ever "serious" about anything. Take for example my college entrance essay. This is what I wrote as part of my application for an East Coast Music Conservatory. The topics to address were, "Why have you chosen your particular field of study? What are your goals in your field?" Knowing full well that nobody actually reads these things, here's what 17-year-old Gurftastic (at that point, most of the 'tastic was yet to 'tast) wrote to a potential place of higher learning:

The Mystical World of the Classical Trumpet Player

If I had to give one reason why I’ve chosen classical trumpet performance as my field of study, I’d have to say it is for the women* (*original word, "chicks", ed... I think my mom made me change it... it was for college, after all!). There’s nothing quite as alluring to the feminine of the species as responding to the query, “You play the trumpet… do you play jazz?” with the conversation stopping, “No, I’m a classical trumpet major.” This is usually followed by the question, “Oh… what do you want to do with that… play in a band or something?”
Now of course I am just joking. However, our society today puts so much emphasis on popular genres of music, it is frightening to think of the dwindling market available for classically trained musicians. Across the country, orchestras are going bankrupt, or shortening their seasons. Many of the leading “second tier” orchestras in the country are forced to play pops concerts to support their highly undersold classical series. While my parent’s generation, which grew up with the Beatles, still relaxes and relishes the classical experience, it is difficult for me to imagine the young professionals my age EVER listening to classical music (unless it is some cheesy compilation CD they use to impress their “educated” friends). This is truly scary, for the future of classical music is in serious jeopardy.
That all being said, my reasons for choosing the trumpet are simple. It’s my voice. It’s the only way I have found that I can truly express myself. And I’m lucky… I get to sing out my emotions every day of my life. There’s nothing quite as exhilarating as that moment when the last note of a piece is sounded, and the entire ensemble finally releases that mental energy which has been so strongly concentrated on a common goal, and everyone realizes how great everything just sounded.
As for goals… there better be some orchestras still around by the time I finish school, because I imagine I would quite enjoy playing in one. While I love teaching, and imparting the knowledge I have gained through my studies, I do not see this as the main focus of my life… at least not soon. I do hope to teach at some point, but mainly as a corollary to my work in a symphony orchestra. And no, I don’t play jazz.

Hmmm. Pretty good stuff. As you can see... the beginnings of the 'tasticity...

Fuck you CNN

2008-05-01T00:13:00.003-04:00

What happened to you, CNN? You used to be... well cool is definitely the wrong word, but maybe I'll say, "not infotainment". Thankfully those days are behind us though. The top story right now? Will GTA IV potentially keep people from going to the theaters this weekend to watch IRON MAN. Yes. That is the TOP story. There is NOTHING ELSE GOING ON ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHETHER OR NOT A FUCKING MOVIE WILL LOSE SOME OF IT'S OPENING WEEKEND REVENUE BECAUSE WHAT'S BEING CHARACTERIZED AS THE BEST GAME OF ALL TIME HAS COME OUT AND POTENTIAL YOUNG (male) AUDIENCE MEMBERS ARE GOING TO SIT AT HOME STEALING VIRTUAL CARS TO FUCK, AND THEN RUN-OVER THEIR VIRTUAL HOOKERS IN, RATHER THAN PAY 30 BUCKS TO GO SEE A MOVIE WITH A TUB OF POPCORN. Thank you, CNN for reporting the news. Like the fact that... This Just In: Can Obama Shake the Wright Scandal? Didn't that happen like MONTHS ago? I'm pretty sure that was like a long time ago. So really the only reason you think he can't is because you won't let him? Or how about this tidbit, "Grannies Kiss Obama, Dance for Clinton". Honestly. Is it any wonder that I read Google News? Aside from the fact that I'm a little scared at just HOW benevolent Google actually is, I do feel a bit like, ya know, bashing myself in the anus everytime I mistakingly think, "Hmmm, I wonder what's on CNN's front page right now". Fuck it. I'm out.

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!

2008-04-28T08:49:00.000-04:00

Sorry if this link isn't a link, but Holy Crap!
Pedrassess...Incest...Imprisonment!!!!!This story has it all...

Lo Siento Mucho

2008-04-27T19:05:00.002-04:00

"Is everything all right?"
"Yup. Three corpses, everything's fine."

Sorry for the mini-hiatus... I've been editing (non-booby edition), and making art a bunch... So let's launch right in, shall we?

Women, would you bathe in a bubble bath manufactured by a company that is known for getting the stink outta your hoo-has? Well that's exactly what Summer's Eve is asking you to do. And while your va-jay-jays may come out smelling cow pastures, campfires, mosquito repellent, wet asphalt, and sunscreen (what do YOUR summers smell like?), I can't say the idea is all that enticing to me. So, uhhh, have any of you like, ever, uhhh... douched your whole body in bath form?

On why I need cable: Aside from the fact that I had to go to 3 bars AGAIN to find the Lakers Playoff game? Uhhh, well right now I'm reduced to either watching a re-run of King of the Hill (which like, uhh, was probably funny at one point, but uhh, yeah), a smattering of infotainment news programming, or the Jennifer Lopez spectacular "The Wedding Planner". Umm, much as I love romantic comedies, I opted to just cut my scrotal sack open to see what was inside. Hint: jujubes.

Because computers aren't just for white-folks no more...

In other news, I dunno if this is legit or not, but if it is, 250 GB of free online storage sounds like a pretty good idea.

Just saw something beautiful on the Simpsons... Marge goes to "LA Body Works" and exclaims, "Ooooooooohhhh, L.A.!!!!! Perhaps this is the gym for me!" Which is kinda how I feel about all things with "LA" or "California" in the title. On the East coast, anything with a slice of avocado on it is "Californian". And "LA" equates to trendy and slender, for some reason. Praise the Internet that The Simpsons is on.

Also, is the BEST part of Orlando really at Universal Orlando's Resort? Really? Like that's the only fucking thing there? That's what the ads would have me believe... but I won't do it. NO!

And another thing: Why do girls (and Matt) like romantic comedies? I mean, you guys know that they suck, right?

What Really Grinds My Gears: Papal Visit Edition

2008-04-21T00:34:00.002-04:00

What the FUCK Catholics? I get it ok, the Pope is in town, and everyone has to go apeshit, because there's never been a former Hitler-youth as a Pope, so we should totally freak when he comes to town. I get it, he had a historic airport meeting with the preZ. I get it, he gives lots of masses. Shit, he's the fucking POPE, so he obviously goes to church a lot. But like, I mean, does it have to be on every fucking channel every day of the fucking week? Ok, maybe it's so huge and important that we should fucking cover it like it's Princess Di's wedding.

But here's where I get pissed. Today, the Pope gave a mass in Yankee Stadium. I'm not going to go into how many things are wrong with that (but here's the short list: Worshiping the New Testament God in a place we've erected to worship false idols springs to mind), but it lead to an interesting turn of events. Starting around noon Eastern (earlier on certain channels) EVERY single station began running their "Pope" coverage. This consisted of HOURS of people watching the Pope, well, pope. He poped down the street. He poped in his car. He poped onto the highway. And poped himself into Yankee Stadium, to pope in front of 55,000 hand selected "fans".

The only problem is that, being a Laker fan, and it being the beginning of the Playoffs, and the Lakers happening to be scheduled to play during "Papal Visit:2008" by some cruel twist of fate in the NBA front office, I assumed that when it says, "3:00 pm Eastern on ABC" they mean that at 3 in the afternoon, the Laker game will be on ABC. What they failed to mention was that the fucking POPE will pre-empt all other broadcasts. ON EVERY CHANNEL. IS it too much for the local ABC affiliate to think that maybe not everyone in NEW YORK FUCKING CITY is CATHOLIC or gives a FUCK about the FUCKING POPE? Was someone at ABC too afraid to cut away from the 8 hours of coverage they provided? Did someone think that maybe someone could change the channel to one of the SIX other over the air networks that were broadcasting the poping Pope? Did the geniuses at ABC think, when deciding the game would be on ESPN2 that since like very fucking bar in New York has Direct TV and not cable, that they should make a recourse for these people as well? Here I was planning to spend the afternoon at home, watching the game and rejoicing in the thrill of the game. Instead I had to go to a bar in search of the game, sit, drink, eat, and spend money I don't have. So in a way, I feel like the Catholic Church owes me $35 (tip and tax included). Also, I'm seeking at least 2 free sins, as damages for the 2 hours I spent stressing and not watching the game, before the game finally came on regular TV again, and I was able to watch. Of course, at this point, the game was all but over. Yeah.

So why is it that the Catholics plastered their religion all over the city this weekend? Why can't I escape it? Is that fair? Is that compassionate? Did not Jesus say, "He who preacheth in the House that Ruth built shalt not obfuscate the visions of the Purple and Gold from the Heathen Gurf"? I'm pretty sure he did. But maybe it's in the gnostic texts, which is why YOU never heard about it.

Dear Facebook: Addendum Edition

2008-04-17T21:10:00.002-04:00

Also, asking me if I want to meet attractive 40 year old women, while somewhat alluring in the whole Mrs. Robinson thing, is kinda creepy for a website geared towards College kids.

Dear Facebook: New Stuff Edition

2008-04-17T21:02:00.002-04:00

Dear Facebook,

Ok, you kinda pissed me off when one day on the same page you asked me if I wanted to be friends with not one, but TWO of my ex-girlfriends (new feature: people who know people you know are suggested as potential friends). But that was just like kinda funny actually. But recently you've been asking me if I want to meet single men in my area. I mean, the thing about targeted advertising is that you should actually target the people who would be receptive to your marketing. I don't expect you to know who all of my ex's are (although ones whom I've listed as "in a relationship with" at one point and later ended said relationship I would think maybe some programmer might put a line in there that would exclude that person, but like ya know, programmers have never had girlfriends, so I wouldn't expect them to know how awkward that would make a person feel). But I do expect you to have your ads scan my information (that is why you sold the ad space to the advertiser, after all) and where it says, "Sex: Male, Interested In: Women" I'd think you would stick to those annoying "Meet Single Women in your Area" ads.

But for the past 3 days, I've been inundated with "meet Gay Singles in your area", "Meet Single Men" and other such. Now I have nothing against gay people. I'm just not one. And unless facebook knows something I don't, most straight men don't look for single gay men. That's what gay men do. So maybe that ad should be targeted at them. Just saying.

Also, I'd just like to give a shout-out to the Lakers. Nice work winning the Conference, fellas. Big things ahead. PLAYOFFS??? PLAYOFFS???

New Shit has come to light

2008-04-16T18:48:00.002-04:00

Certain things have come to light. And, you know, has it ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, you know, running around, uh, uh, blaming me, you know, given the nature of all this new shit, you know, I-I-I-I... this could be a-a-a-a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean, it's not just, it might not be just such a simple... uh, you know?

Check it:

Now, I'm not exactly sure why we wish our politicians to never waiver from their thoughts. If someone one day decides they don't like gays in the military, we expect them to never rethink their stance. But that's not my gripe here, because if Hillary would say, "I used to support X, but now have changed my mind", that would be cool. I'd say, "Great, she actually thought about an issue and it's relevance to the time and changed her mind according to the current conditions. Excellent." But Hillary has this thing she does where she pretends to be on the popular side of a message, and pretends to have been there all along. But she, ya know, wasn't. So uhh... yeah. Also, John McCain doesn't know if condoms stop the spread of AIDS. I know the story is old, but if you haven't read it yet, WOW. And if like me, you just re-read it again, WOW. I sure hope he's figured it out.

Are you trying to tell me something?

2008-04-16T15:56:00.004-04:00

Uhhh... I think Facebook is trying to tell me something...

A return to form

2008-04-14T11:12:00.002-04:00

Ok first it's time again for me to assail Blockbuster. Boy they sure don't know what they hell they are doing. For a refresher course, here's the Gurftastic Recaps, 1, 2, 3. The latest is an attempt to take-over the troubled Circuit City franchises. What Blockbuster touts as a new retail experience with lots of paradigms and fusions, seems to me like the worst idea I've heard in years. Here's my fav quote from the above article, by Blockbuster CEO, Jim Keyes,

"We believe the combination will result in a compelling consumer proposition that will drive significant revenue and margin enhancements as well as cost synergies."

Can you spot the double talk? Granted Blockbuster has been over for a while now (refer to above cited Gurfblogs), and true that Circuit City's new CEO's big money saving gamble (namely firing all of their best- read: highest commission earning- salsepeople) has turned out to be a collosally bad idea. But Blockbuster actually thinks that since they made money this last quarter (by raising their rates for everything) that their business has a future. They don't. Not as currently constructed, that's for sure. Furthermore, in case you didn't notice, Circuit City already sells DVD's, CD's, and video games. So what exactly would a merger with LACKLUSTER do for CC? I mean I guess they don't sell US Weekly at the register, and they don't have popcorn. So I mean there's that. But how many people so you know who go out to buy a new TV and realize they should also rent a DVD at the same time? Nobody. Because that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard of. In a world where you can subscribe to toilet paper (Melly's blog shout-out) are there enough centagenarians out there buying LCD flat screen TVs who then wheelchair themselves over to blockbuster to quench their insatiable urge for Queen Latifa's latest foray into 'comedy' or softcore porn? I mean, shit... my mother has a Netflix account. This is a woman who asked me in all seriousness if copying a file from the computer to a floppy disk would erase the computer. Love her to death, but she's afraid of technology (and why not? Girls of her generation weren't supposed to touch anything techno-anything... and some phobias die hard). And she's got Netflix. When I asked her why... 'Because Netflix has everything and especially foreign films, which is great'. She also felt that the local Blockbuster didn't really have enough foreign and indie. Well newsflash: it's not just THAT Blockbuster. It's the entire corporation. Someday for fun, you should read the Netflix hiring guidelines. It's pretty enlightening.

On another note, we have to talk about the big sunglasses again, ladies. The thing about it is, it's getting warmer, and the sunglasses are getting bigger. DJSkram and I were talking recently about the phenom as we sat and people watched in SOHO. Every, and I mean EVERY fucking chick that walked by was wearing stupidly big sunglasses. Some dudes too. And it became clear suddenly. The bigger the glasses the smaller the area of your ugly face I can see. Therefore I think you are hotter than you are. Essentially you are lying to me. And that's not cool, we don't even know each other. That's no way to start a relationship. But it works. So Deej and I decided to invent the next fad. Which would be something to cover rest of your hideous mugs, so as to better homogenize society, whilst making us rich, and getting ugos laid. Seems almost like a humanitarian gesture really. Incidentally, who the FUCK invents what is fashionable? Remember side ponytails? Who decided that was a good idea? How the fuck does this shit get decided and why don't I have a say?

And lastly, I know the economy is in the shitter, the gov is strapped for cash, and everyone is using this intertube thing to send those electro-digi telegrams thingmajigs, so the USPS has been hurting for a while. And I know they've been relying on the junkmail industry to keep them afloat for a while. But as I mobi-blog here from the 68th street post-office, I really feel the need to mention that in this consumer society where cute macbot chicks can convince me to buy the faster/more expensive anything, just by batting her beautiful brown eyes at me, the last place I want someone to try to upsell me is the FUCKING POST OFFICE. It doesn't bother me when they ask me if I want stamps after my transaction is complete. Maybe I do... Everyone needs stamps sometimes. I'm almost used to that now (it used to irk me to no end). No, what bothers me is the two dudes who are roving the 100+ person line here asking if you need delivery confirmation, express shipping, return receipt or any of the other myriad of services that their bosses have asked them to hock. I came here to mail my fucking taxes, don't try to get me to pony up (get it?) any more cash. Also, since when did it become Home Depot presents the Post Office? Fuck sheeple...

Daytime is the Right Time

2008-04-07T15:23:00.002-04:00

Oh, they have the internet on computers now.

KFC, why do you produce commercials just to irk me? The latest and greatest? Well it's a family having a BUCKET of chicken. MMMM... I love to have all of my food in bucket form, but that's just me. I mean... like... uhh, there ARE other types of receptacles out there... So this family is gathering around, and little Jimmy or Tommy has a friend over for dinner. That doesn't really bother me. I mean, people have dinner. And kids have friends. And they sometimes come over for dinner. No... what irks me is that everyone looks like they have a fine SHEEN on their hair. The kids look like they're wearing hard plastic wigs, instead of hair. It's hard for me to imagine that whomever shot this didn't catch this abomination, so I'm guessing that they actually PAID someone to do this in POST production. Yes... they WANTED this effect. Why? Probably cause the "Srimp" dude was busy that week. Yeah. And then it's like the WORST commercial I've ever seen. Completely and utterly inane. It's just awful. I seriously think KFC needs to fire their ad firm.

Meanwhile, the best thing about not having cable and having a job that requires you to spend long hours indoors means that I'm tempted to watch daytime television. You know how I love to be hungover and watch bad movies? Well the corollary to that is that I somewhat detest daytime TV. It's not that it's bad. It's terrible. So here I am, blogging while John O'Hurley hosts Family Fued (I remember when the host was the dude who was two before Al Borlan from Tool Time, but I mean, that's neither here nor there). Yeah. Kinda weird watching J. Peterman sort of half do his schtick while sort of perving out on every chick that's on the show. It's weird.

Also I saw a hot girl on the street this one time in New York. It was totally sweet.

Best Name EVER

2008-04-04T20:13:00.001-04:00

Yes... Yes it is...

Obligatory End of the Work Week Obama Gush

2008-04-04T20:09:00.001-04:00

Suck it, Chris Matthews.

Cable news gets off way too easily. And also, Obama went on the View. Dunno how I feel about that, but like, I guess maybe it's a good idea to let the dumbass housewives of middle-America know that he's like... ya know... not Muslim.

A Theorem

2008-04-02T20:44:00.002-04:00

Those of you who know me know that I'm a fan of what the ancient Greeks called "logic". So I tend to "think" about "things". So here's what I've been thinking of lately:

You know how hot chicks are always with DOUCHEBAGS? Yeah. I've been wondering about that a lot lately. So here's my half-baked theory:

Guys fuck chicks based on their looks. When a guy first sees a girl, he knows A) if he wants to fuck her right then, B) how many beers he would need to want to fuck her, and then he begins the painfully long process of trying to manage to fool her into liking him.

Girls fuck dudes based on their personality. Now wait a second here ladies. I know that you gals go through the same "do I want to fuck this guy based on his physical appearance" thing. I'm not going to pretend you don't fuck guys you are physically attracted to. BUT, you TOTALLY fuck dudes who you maybe aren't all that physically attracted to at first, but then decide after your initial impression that you really dig his personality, and therefore want to bone him. This doesn't really explain why hot chicks date douchebags, because I can't begin to contemplate douchebags having great personalities. So... I guess what I'm saying is, I'm stumped. I mean, unless like, all these douchey dudes are somehow just super-cool and we just would never think it. But like why would there be a website like this?

The Last Question

2008-03-30T13:49:00.001-04:00

This is one of my favorite short stories. Asimov rocks.

LLLLLLUUUUKKKKKKKKEEEEE

2008-03-30T11:53:00.000-04:00

The "Luke" Arm, from the creator of the Segway...

Ummm

2008-03-30T11:33:00.002-04:00

GUSHGUSHGUSH:

In other news, have you heard about this new Federal Reserve proposal? Kinda weird. I mean I learned recently that the Federal Reserve Bank (the central bank of the United States) is not in fact a government agency. The Fed, is in fact a combination of a privately owned bank, with a government appointed board of directors. The Treasury department prints the money, but the Fed controls the nation's wealth. Interesting. And what's more interesting is that apparently we are borrowing money from the Fed (at interest). Every dollar in your pocket. Yeah... I don't really understand how. I really don't understand why. But I do get a bit squeamish when I think that perhaps this is not a benevolent little plan the Fed is trying to enact. Here's the wikipedia article on the Fed. In the era of big government and ever approaching bigger government power grabs, it seems a little unsettling that a non-government agency that has so much power of the world's economic stability is looking to make a grab at MORE influence on the world. Yeah.

And now for something completely different: Why do chicks in NYC have the best asses in America? I think it's because they walk everywhere. But it's pretty fucking epic. I also have wondered (I think in a gurftastic blog) why there are always so many fucking people walking around NYC at any given moment. And why are there always people out during the day walking around? I mean I don't have a job... but shouldn't some of them have one?

uhhhh

2008-03-28T19:54:00.002-04:00

Ummmm... Did NOBODY think that "Choosing Tampax helps Hillary stop the bloodshed" is like the WORST idea ever? As though when the average American thinks about who to vote for, he wants to think about Hillary's period...

Weird

2008-03-27T19:27:00.000-04:00

Ok, aside from the awful cover by a girl band doing the new commercials for Target (they're singing "Hello Goodbye" by the Beatles. Except in text on the screen, they change the words to "Good buy"... yeah) nothing much has really pissed me off lately, and I'm sorry for that. Maybe it's that I've been awash in bliss these last few months, what with the drunken binge-fest that is Culiacan, and then the whole return to my old stomping grounds.

Here's something awesome that doesn't piss me off: The Fox affiliate in NYC (Fox 5) has a new feature (well it might be old, but I've been in the snow-belt for a long time) on it's Simpson's syndicated episodes. About 3 minutes into the episode, they put a banner up (a lower third, for you editorially inclined) which shows the episode number, name, and original air date. Kinda sweet. Tonight's episode is "Bart's Comet" which is pretty fucking great.

Ok... so this has kinda been tripping me out. I guess they're making another X-files movie. That would be X-files 2 for anyone keeping score. The thing is, like the X-files as a show totally was over in 2002. The movie came out in 1998. So, uhhh, like... uhhh... I mean... uhhh... Don't get me wrong. I really liked the X-files as a kid. Shit I liked the movie. And they left it all open ended enough for everything to be all crazy, blah blah blah. But here's the thing. There's been enough time between the show, the first movie, and whenever this next movie is coming out for even like hardcore fanboys to like forget most of the intricate plot twists. So this movie will be another delicate balancing of how much fanboy glory to add versus how much explain what the hell is going on to the fucking kids of America who've never seen the fucking show and only want to see explosions. Judging by how the Simpson's movie didn't exactly cater to the die-hards, I'm not expecting a lot. And also there's this:

The distubring-est part is that there's these fans in the audience who sound like they're cumming every time anything happens. And don't get me started on the orgy-tastic sounds that happen as soon as Mulder and Scully kiss. You have to be fucking kidding me. Please see Gurftastic Blogs: "Dear Hollywood" on why I hate sequels. Fuck you, Hollywood.

uh-huh

2008-03-25T12:37:00.002-04:00

They lied to us. They were supposed to be just ordinary cartoons... THEY LIED.

In other news, Hillary lied. We've all done it. We all embellish a story to make it really juicy. Shit I've probably done it on the Gurftastic blog. No I haven't. But the thing is, when you're a politician, it's best to make sure your lies won't be brought to light by irrefutable video evidence... YEAH...