Monday, March 1, 2010
Don't Fuck with Me, or You Get Yours (Blockbuster Edition)
This is what happens when you cross me. Blockbuster today announced that they will (after closing some 250+ stores in January) be closing 500+ stores. I *hate* to say I told you so, but, I called this one, oh I dunno a few YEARS ago. Back when the Gurftastic blog was just a simple myspace mood-enhanced pile of drivel. Anyways, just wanted to put the world on notice... AGAIN, you fuck with Gurftastic, you will fail at life/business.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
iSore
I will readily admit to being an Apple Fanboy. In this space I've extolled the virtues of the Jesusphone/bestphoneevar. I own two mac laptops, have never owned a PC, don't run windows on any machine, and sorta kinda laughed when Mead's Xbox 360 crapped out for the second time. I love Apple products. I used to have subscriptions to 2 different Macintosh based magazines. Fanboy. Love it.
And like most of the tech world, I waited with great anticipation for Apple to WOW me today. Presenting the iPad. Sorta like a bigger iPhone. Only without the phone part. So sorta like a big iPod Touch, only with optional 3G (on ATT). Yeah.
See the thing is, Apple is a real innovator in the industry. When they come out with something NEW, all other companies sorta shit themselves hoping they'll be able to catch up. When Apple decided to enter the phone business, they wanted to do it BETTER than any company could (see Motorola: RoKr). So the iPhone was not just a phone, and not just a smartphone (email+calendar+syncing) which had been around for a while. Nor was it an internet-enabled phone presenting "mobi-web 2.0" or some other Verizon bullshit. No it was the real internet. And that was the star of the device. Sure, it does syncing, email, calendars and calling (not in NYC) beautifully, but being able to really use the internet was great. Then came the App store and all of a sudden it was like carrying a computer in your pocket. Literally hundreds of thousands of apps were there for you to take advantage of and push your machine to the limit, and build it to your specs. GREAT. Much like the iPod, which wasn't the first mp3 player on the market, the iPhone came to a saturated market, and did it BETTER. Better integration. Better apps. Better. Stylishier.
So enter the iPad, possibly the most confusing product to come out of Cupertino since the Apple TV. Still waiting on that one to make sense. Anyways, as I sat there watching the liveblog of Steve Jobs's keynote, I kept wondering, "what's the HOOK?" My friends with whom I was chatting and texting were wondering the same thing. What's the "oh, and just ONE more thing"? What is the ONE thing that this machine will do better than ANYTHING else out there and make me NEED it.
The speech came and went. And I've got nothing. I guess it's ebooks? I mean, they created a whole ebook store for em, so maybe it's that? Or maybe it's surfing the internet without flash? Maybe it's using iPhone apps at double resolution? It's not the camera. Cuz there is none. It's not the keyboard, because early reports peg at as awkward on a table (since the back is not flat), and really only suited to in the lap typing. It's not the inter-connectivity, because you need a myriad of cables to hook it into other things. So what is the hook? WHY would I want this thing?
Apple thinks it's because I'll want to watch movies on it. The screen looks great. Unfortunately, it's basically a 4:3 aspect ratio, meaning high-def gets BIG BLACK LETTERBOXING.
Apple thinks it's because I'll want to read books on it. The little faux-book animations are cute. The text resizing and font changing options are great. And the "ibook" store (which may account for why Apple dropped the "ibook" in favor of "macbook" in their product line) may indeed be the iTunes store for books, and be an Amazon killer. But $500 bucks to start just for the opportunity to buy some 12 dollar ebooks?
Apple thinks it's because I'll want to play games on it. And sure, once the games aren't merely just ported but are actually designed to for the iPad, I'm sure they will be cool. But they'll still be sorta awkward, since there's no real joystick control. So the accelerometer-based games will still be fun, but the first-person shooters will still be a little buggy...
Apple thinks it's because I can run all of my iPhone/iPod apps on it. And sure, that's neat. Although blowing them up twice as big will look ugly.
Apple thinks it's because I will be able to word-process on it. But according to early reports, the thing has a curved back (like the iPhone 3G and 3GS, unlike the original iPhone), meaning it doesn't lay flat on a table. So if I were to type on it, I'd have to be sitting with it on my lap. Or laying in bed. Which is fine. But not exactly ergonomic.
Apple thinks it's because I'll want to hold the internet in my hands. See: iPhone. Because the browser is THE SAME as on my iPhone, it still suffers the same short-comings. Read: NO FLASH SUPPORT. While HTML-5 and h.264 video might replace the need for flash, the fact remains that most of the video I want to watch and ALL of the online games that I want to play are built in FLASH. So on a device that literally would be AWESOME for streaming video, there's no support. Unless someone develops a native application. Which hasn't happened yet for iPhone, so why would it for the iPad?
Apple thinks this is the bridge device that will finally solve the hole between smartphones and laptops. The trouble is, there's no phone functionality. There MAY be VOIP functionality at some point over the 3G, but as yet, you'll have to settle for Skype on Wifi. There's no real OS X present, so the kinds of apps you're allowed to use are limited to the App Store variety. And the way you use the iPad is limited too. File storage, and file-types supported, etc. And the fact that the thing doesn't have a USB port unless you buy a connector. Interesting approach.
I guess what I'm saying is, no matter how much Apple pushes this thing as a game-changer, it's really just something we've seen already. And while the iPhone really did change EVERYTHING, what we have here is basically just a bigger iPhone. With less functionality. I mean, really the only thing this thing does differently is it has a built in app to buy books. And it's got a faster processor/long battery life. As my friend, oh, let's call him Matt Marks said to me, "Didn't you always want an iPhone that was bigger and clunkier?" The thing is, no... I didn't.
The screen may look great. The reviews may come back and say, "It's amazing". But I have to be honest. My gut tells me that I don't need this. And that doesn't happen very much to me when I see a new piece of tech. Especially from Apple Computing, Inc. It just doesn't DO anything special that my iPhone doesn't already do. Shit, I can read e-books on my phone already. They may look BETTER on the iPad... but like, 500 bucks better? I'll buy the paperback.
And like most of the tech world, I waited with great anticipation for Apple to WOW me today. Presenting the iPad. Sorta like a bigger iPhone. Only without the phone part. So sorta like a big iPod Touch, only with optional 3G (on ATT). Yeah.
See the thing is, Apple is a real innovator in the industry. When they come out with something NEW, all other companies sorta shit themselves hoping they'll be able to catch up. When Apple decided to enter the phone business, they wanted to do it BETTER than any company could (see Motorola: RoKr). So the iPhone was not just a phone, and not just a smartphone (email+calendar+syncing) which had been around for a while. Nor was it an internet-enabled phone presenting "mobi-web 2.0" or some other Verizon bullshit. No it was the real internet. And that was the star of the device. Sure, it does syncing, email, calendars and calling (not in NYC) beautifully, but being able to really use the internet was great. Then came the App store and all of a sudden it was like carrying a computer in your pocket. Literally hundreds of thousands of apps were there for you to take advantage of and push your machine to the limit, and build it to your specs. GREAT. Much like the iPod, which wasn't the first mp3 player on the market, the iPhone came to a saturated market, and did it BETTER. Better integration. Better apps. Better. Stylishier.
So enter the iPad, possibly the most confusing product to come out of Cupertino since the Apple TV. Still waiting on that one to make sense. Anyways, as I sat there watching the liveblog of Steve Jobs's keynote, I kept wondering, "what's the HOOK?" My friends with whom I was chatting and texting were wondering the same thing. What's the "oh, and just ONE more thing"? What is the ONE thing that this machine will do better than ANYTHING else out there and make me NEED it.
The speech came and went. And I've got nothing. I guess it's ebooks? I mean, they created a whole ebook store for em, so maybe it's that? Or maybe it's surfing the internet without flash? Maybe it's using iPhone apps at double resolution? It's not the camera. Cuz there is none. It's not the keyboard, because early reports peg at as awkward on a table (since the back is not flat), and really only suited to in the lap typing. It's not the inter-connectivity, because you need a myriad of cables to hook it into other things. So what is the hook? WHY would I want this thing?
Apple thinks it's because I'll want to watch movies on it. The screen looks great. Unfortunately, it's basically a 4:3 aspect ratio, meaning high-def gets BIG BLACK LETTERBOXING.
Apple thinks it's because I'll want to read books on it. The little faux-book animations are cute. The text resizing and font changing options are great. And the "ibook" store (which may account for why Apple dropped the "ibook" in favor of "macbook" in their product line) may indeed be the iTunes store for books, and be an Amazon killer. But $500 bucks to start just for the opportunity to buy some 12 dollar ebooks?
Apple thinks it's because I'll want to play games on it. And sure, once the games aren't merely just ported but are actually designed to for the iPad, I'm sure they will be cool. But they'll still be sorta awkward, since there's no real joystick control. So the accelerometer-based games will still be fun, but the first-person shooters will still be a little buggy...
Apple thinks it's because I can run all of my iPhone/iPod apps on it. And sure, that's neat. Although blowing them up twice as big will look ugly.
Apple thinks it's because I will be able to word-process on it. But according to early reports, the thing has a curved back (like the iPhone 3G and 3GS, unlike the original iPhone), meaning it doesn't lay flat on a table. So if I were to type on it, I'd have to be sitting with it on my lap. Or laying in bed. Which is fine. But not exactly ergonomic.
Apple thinks it's because I'll want to hold the internet in my hands. See: iPhone. Because the browser is THE SAME as on my iPhone, it still suffers the same short-comings. Read: NO FLASH SUPPORT. While HTML-5 and h.264 video might replace the need for flash, the fact remains that most of the video I want to watch and ALL of the online games that I want to play are built in FLASH. So on a device that literally would be AWESOME for streaming video, there's no support. Unless someone develops a native application. Which hasn't happened yet for iPhone, so why would it for the iPad?
Apple thinks this is the bridge device that will finally solve the hole between smartphones and laptops. The trouble is, there's no phone functionality. There MAY be VOIP functionality at some point over the 3G, but as yet, you'll have to settle for Skype on Wifi. There's no real OS X present, so the kinds of apps you're allowed to use are limited to the App Store variety. And the way you use the iPad is limited too. File storage, and file-types supported, etc. And the fact that the thing doesn't have a USB port unless you buy a connector. Interesting approach.
I guess what I'm saying is, no matter how much Apple pushes this thing as a game-changer, it's really just something we've seen already. And while the iPhone really did change EVERYTHING, what we have here is basically just a bigger iPhone. With less functionality. I mean, really the only thing this thing does differently is it has a built in app to buy books. And it's got a faster processor/long battery life. As my friend, oh, let's call him Matt Marks said to me, "Didn't you always want an iPhone that was bigger and clunkier?" The thing is, no... I didn't.
The screen may look great. The reviews may come back and say, "It's amazing". But I have to be honest. My gut tells me that I don't need this. And that doesn't happen very much to me when I see a new piece of tech. Especially from Apple Computing, Inc. It just doesn't DO anything special that my iPhone doesn't already do. Shit, I can read e-books on my phone already. They may look BETTER on the iPad... but like, 500 bucks better? I'll buy the paperback.
Monday, January 18, 2010
More Reasons Why RadioShack is Useless
Ok... let's just set this straight. RadioShack has NEVER been a good store. It's always a pain in the ass to shop there. Why the FUCK do I need to give you my address to buy batteries? Seriously. WTF? But in light of the recent fleecing of America by WorstBuy and their GeekSquad "optimizations", it seems fair to point out that RadioShack, or just "The Shack" as they want you to call them is also doing a bit of fleecing.
I'm looking to hook up my laptop to my old Panasonic tv. My MBP comes with a mini-DVI to VGA adapter (for hooking into a monitor). Apple sells a mini-dvi to S-video/RCA for about 20 bucks. Seems steep. So I look around. I figure, I'll go through my included adapter, and then covert VGA to S-video or RCA... Amazon has this ditty for just over TWO DOLLARS. That figure is important to keep in mind. Because what I'm about to tell you might make your head explode. With the prevalence of adapters available at Radiowhack, I figured they'd probably have SOMETHING. A phone call to their manager of the local store confirmed, they do in fact sell something to do just this. It's part of their "PC to TV" line of products. The CHEAPEST is found here. You read that right: $99.99. For a housing to hold a 2 dollar piece of electronics. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT?
I'm looking to hook up my laptop to my old Panasonic tv. My MBP comes with a mini-DVI to VGA adapter (for hooking into a monitor). Apple sells a mini-dvi to S-video/RCA for about 20 bucks. Seems steep. So I look around. I figure, I'll go through my included adapter, and then covert VGA to S-video or RCA... Amazon has this ditty for just over TWO DOLLARS. That figure is important to keep in mind. Because what I'm about to tell you might make your head explode. With the prevalence of adapters available at Radiowhack, I figured they'd probably have SOMETHING. A phone call to their manager of the local store confirmed, they do in fact sell something to do just this. It's part of their "PC to TV" line of products. The CHEAPEST is found here. You read that right: $99.99. For a housing to hold a 2 dollar piece of electronics. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT?
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Boxee
Is it just me, or does this seem like an incredibly good idea? And with D-link coming out with an actual box, isn't it time we all gave a giant FU to the cable companies? I mean shit we PAY through the nose for cable tv, we pay more for internet. Why not cut out that waste? I watch most of the tv shows I watch on the internet... and that includes the ones that are on regular tv (Pro tip: 30 second commercials on Hulu go quicker than 2.5 minute commercials on TV). And we PAY too much for how slow our internet is, so we might as well get as much out of it as we can! (Bonus material: if you actually read that graphic, you'll notice that Japan has internet that is about 13 times faster than ours, but they pay 1/12 the price... NEATO)
So here's my thing: Boxee seems like a pretty good solution (as is XMBC if you're on a PC) to what we all thought AppleTV was going to be (may in the future be?). You can stream all the content (except the DRM-ed stuff that you better not fucking have, because if you do, you're probably an idiot, and idiots shouldn't read my blog, because they're dumb... you're not dumb, are you?) that you have on your harddrive. So all of your music, movies and tv shows that you've downloaded (read: torrented), can be watched in crystal clear high-def on your plasma (you rich fuck, why don't you just pay for cable?) And there's some pretty good integration with twitter and other social sites, and it streams hulu and such. Great. And you can install it on Mac OS X, Tiger, Windows, Linux, even this thing. Neat. And it's super user friendly and it's designed to use a remote so your ass can stay planted on your couch! OK... so what's holding us back?
Well, the whole non-drm thing for one (read: no Itunes movies), and the fact that there's no browser on the D-link box for another. That means you have to have all the content ON the computer you want. I know a guy who watches tv shows online, sometimes even sports, which are live feeds from tv (I believe it's the "without express written permission" type of rebroadcasting that the major sports have been warning us about for eons). He even watches shows from television that are redistributed via the intertron. Now, in order for this to be streamed to the tv, the computer he's watching on would have to be hooked up to the plasma (you rich FUCK). Anyways, not a deal breaker, but obviously it's a little more complicated than just plug and play. Oh, and according to this NY Times article, it's actually pretty sweet and liberating. And they were paying $140 a month for cable!!!! What the SHIT kind of cable did they have? I want that. But I don't wanna pay for it.
So in summation, I think we're about ready for that paradigm shift folks. Get your buzzwords ready. The "ditch your cable bill" movement is poised... and I think the software and the hardware is good enough. I don't KNOW if the infrastructure is there yet... I mean, I know that I don't REALLY mind watching poorer quality video on my computer. But if it's blown WAY the hell up on my imaginary giant tv (read: mine = very much not flatscreen, and low-mid-def) I might see more of the artifacts. SO..... dear internets: please make more tv better good. Thanks.
Read up. Maybe we should all make it so...
Well, the whole non-drm thing for one (read: no Itunes movies), and the fact that there's no browser on the D-link box for another. That means you have to have all the content ON the computer you want. I know a guy who watches tv shows online, sometimes even sports, which are live feeds from tv (I believe it's the "without express written permission" type of rebroadcasting that the major sports have been warning us about for eons). He even watches shows from television that are redistributed via the intertron. Now, in order for this to be streamed to the tv, the computer he's watching on would have to be hooked up to the plasma (you rich FUCK). Anyways, not a deal breaker, but obviously it's a little more complicated than just plug and play. Oh, and according to this NY Times article, it's actually pretty sweet and liberating. And they were paying $140 a month for cable!!!! What the SHIT kind of cable did they have? I want that. But I don't wanna pay for it.
So in summation, I think we're about ready for that paradigm shift folks. Get your buzzwords ready. The "ditch your cable bill" movement is poised... and I think the software and the hardware is good enough. I don't KNOW if the infrastructure is there yet... I mean, I know that I don't REALLY mind watching poorer quality video on my computer. But if it's blown WAY the hell up on my imaginary giant tv (read: mine = very much not flatscreen, and low-mid-def) I might see more of the artifacts. SO..... dear internets: please make more tv better good. Thanks.
Read up. Maybe we should all make it so...
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Rant.biz
Seems like I'm always ranting about something. So here goes:
LA Times. I read your paper. For the Sports Section. Gotta follow my Lakers. And Dodgers. Not so much the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Even the Calendar Section (for the Comics mostly) when I'm in LA. But for the most part, I'm reading the Times online. And OFTEN from my web-enabled mobile device. Read: iPhone.
So here's the thing. I think everyone knows the LA Times isn't exactly the "paper of record". No, that's the NY Times. And the LAT has been trying to be the NYT basically since it's inception. And with every paper redesign, everything from the typeface, to the sections' looks have become closer inline.
Except for the online version. The online version maintained a unique LA feel. White background, blue article headlines (links), plus black text article snippet previews, plus a unique CSS style. It was easy to read, easy to navigate. Good show.
That all changed. Yesterday I think. The website has been redesigned too look more like the NY Times. Even the logo has changed. Gone is the "L" white, on blue background. Replaced is a script "L" in white on a black background. Very NY...
Then there's the articles. Gone is ease of navigation. In its place is black headlines, with black text article snippets underneath. Take a look. Here's my trouble. I'm all for redesigns, if it makes the user experience better. This one does not. On a computer the subtle difference between headline size and article snippet is navigable. Manageable even. Look at the "Happy Birthday Magic" article. There's not even a writer cred separating the article from the headline. And while this isn't really a problem on my laptop, the trouble starts brewing on my phone.
It is EXTREMELY difficult on a reduced size screen to see the difference between the article and the headline. On the phone, it really looks like it could be 2 different articles about Ervin "Magic" Johnson. In fact, I have to actually tap on things to see if they are a link or not. FUCK THAT. The trouble with the Times Sports Page has always been that sometimes the names of the articles are the same or similar to the first line of the article. I think this has to do with the lazy intern who uploads the articles. Anyways, it pisses me the FUCK off that I have to actually SEARCH around a page for the article I want to read. Why implement an UI that is worse for the user? Mostly to fuck with me I think.
Fuck.
LA Times. I read your paper. For the Sports Section. Gotta follow my Lakers. And Dodgers. Not so much the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Even the Calendar Section (for the Comics mostly) when I'm in LA. But for the most part, I'm reading the Times online. And OFTEN from my web-enabled mobile device. Read: iPhone.
So here's the thing. I think everyone knows the LA Times isn't exactly the "paper of record". No, that's the NY Times. And the LAT has been trying to be the NYT basically since it's inception. And with every paper redesign, everything from the typeface, to the sections' looks have become closer inline.
Except for the online version. The online version maintained a unique LA feel. White background, blue article headlines (links), plus black text article snippet previews, plus a unique CSS style. It was easy to read, easy to navigate. Good show.
That all changed. Yesterday I think. The website has been redesigned too look more like the NY Times. Even the logo has changed. Gone is the "L" white, on blue background. Replaced is a script "L" in white on a black background. Very NY...
Then there's the articles. Gone is ease of navigation. In its place is black headlines, with black text article snippets underneath. Take a look. Here's my trouble. I'm all for redesigns, if it makes the user experience better. This one does not. On a computer the subtle difference between headline size and article snippet is navigable. Manageable even. Look at the "Happy Birthday Magic" article. There's not even a writer cred separating the article from the headline. And while this isn't really a problem on my laptop, the trouble starts brewing on my phone.
It is EXTREMELY difficult on a reduced size screen to see the difference between the article and the headline. On the phone, it really looks like it could be 2 different articles about Ervin "Magic" Johnson. In fact, I have to actually tap on things to see if they are a link or not. FUCK THAT. The trouble with the Times Sports Page has always been that sometimes the names of the articles are the same or similar to the first line of the article. I think this has to do with the lazy intern who uploads the articles. Anyways, it pisses me the FUCK off that I have to actually SEARCH around a page for the article I want to read. Why implement an UI that is worse for the user? Mostly to fuck with me I think.
Fuck.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Just When I Thought I Was Out
In case you were caught unawares, Lackluster has changed its name. Apparently increasingly aware of its growing insignificance, "Blockbuster Video" has rebranded many of its stores "Blockbuster Media". What does this big change mean to you, the avid Gurftastic Blog reader, who surely hasn't ventured into a Lackluster in years on account of my rage, wrath, and ire? Well, not a lot, actually. But because I'm curious, and because I value my own opinions above the fate of the free world, and because I think you have the right to know, I did something that I vowed in this very space never to do again.
I SET FOOT IN A BLOCKBUSTER!!!
Now before you cry "foul" and start seeping feces out of your eyes, allow me to explain:
First of all, I had to get a movie for a particular occassion, and the movie had not arrived from Netflix in time. Secondly, I already knew the movie was not worthy of purchase. Thirdly, the other video stores in a 20 block radius that google described to me, did, upon inspection of their premisis, not exist. So I was stuck. So I walked into the BLOCKBUSTER Media™ "Rock the Block" store in the West 90's (rock the block being I think a corporate term for brick and mortar retail store).
*side note: re: technology
Blockbuster-
You may want to rethink this whole online presence thing... I mean, the first search I ran for "Bloclbuster Media rebrandind" returned 3 employee forums and NONE of your press releases about the big change. Just saying...*
Now some in the Lackluster employee forum sites speak of a fabled Dallas store that has a coffee bar, and lounge in it. Not quite so in the Manhattan branch. Here I was treated to what probably would've been had the Circuit Shitty merger have actually gone through. At the font of the store were 2 or 3 "home theater" displays. By this I mean, an over-priced flat screen tv, and a budget surround sound stereo system. With the proliferation of WorstBuy and other stores like it, I wouldn't think that anyone would actually consider buying a tv system from somewhere like Lackluster. But then again maybe the CEO is right, and people actually are going to the store to rent a movie for well over 5 dollars, only to be confronted with the quandary, "I have nothing to watch it on! Shit, maybe I should buy a tv". If this seems like a plausible scenario to you, I have a toothpaste blotch shaped like the Virgin Mary you may be interested in.
While I think that having a lounge/coffee shop may indeed increase traffic to a store in Dallas, I don't really see people thinking "Blockbuster" when they think "I'd love some caffeine". And I CERTAINLY don't think that selling tvs is going to prove to be a worthwhile endeavor. Let's face it, the peons who "work" at WorstBuy, are somehow still more qualified to sell you a tv than the clods who work at Lackluster.
So let's leave the fact that this is like the 11th worst idea in a row for Lackluster, and focus on the rest of the store. The MEDIA! Yeah!
What I found was that the majority of the store was made up of DVDs to BUY. That's right, two aisles of for purchase, two aisles of previously viewed (read: we are selling our overstocked items, help us triple our profit, please). Along all the walls are the usual 40 or so copies of "new releases", which in my estimation were mostly B movies, and about 4 movies that I was aware had actually been in theaters at some point.
There were three aisles of video games to rent, two to buy. Then there were four SHORT aisles for Action, Drama, Comedy, and Family. Yep. That was IT. Maybe I'm spoiled by the plethora of categories on Netflix (it's almost too much at times, and can get annoying, as most movies are over-categorized and relisted in at least 5 places), but this was a pretty sad showing. And because the aisles were cramped, the DVD's instead of being displayed by their covers, were stacked vertically, to be read by their spines. Yeah. You can imagine how much more of a intuitive, seemless customer experience that makes. It's possibly the worst idea ever. Customers have to bend down just to read what is on the bottom rung. Yeah. Awesome.
So while I relish the demise of Lackluster™, I can't help but feel sorry for the lonely CEO, CFO, and other corporate shills, sitting on their millions per year, tanking a company that is going to tank no matter what "innovations" they try. The proof is there. Blockbuster Video is DEAD. The Blockbuster brand is dead. It's like going to a Starbuck's for an alcoholic drink... it's weird, and nobody is going to do it.
Oh yeah, and umm, like, sorry it's been 6 months since I blogged. I was pooping or something.
I SET FOOT IN A BLOCKBUSTER!!!
Now before you cry "foul" and start seeping feces out of your eyes, allow me to explain:
First of all, I had to get a movie for a particular occassion, and the movie had not arrived from Netflix in time. Secondly, I already knew the movie was not worthy of purchase. Thirdly, the other video stores in a 20 block radius that google described to me, did, upon inspection of their premisis, not exist. So I was stuck. So I walked into the BLOCKBUSTER Media™ "Rock the Block" store in the West 90's (rock the block being I think a corporate term for brick and mortar retail store).
*side note: re: technology
Blockbuster-
You may want to rethink this whole online presence thing... I mean, the first search I ran for "Bloclbuster Media rebrandind" returned 3 employee forums and NONE of your press releases about the big change. Just saying...*
Now some in the Lackluster employee forum sites speak of a fabled Dallas store that has a coffee bar, and lounge in it. Not quite so in the Manhattan branch. Here I was treated to what probably would've been had the Circuit Shitty merger have actually gone through. At the font of the store were 2 or 3 "home theater" displays. By this I mean, an over-priced flat screen tv, and a budget surround sound stereo system. With the proliferation of WorstBuy and other stores like it, I wouldn't think that anyone would actually consider buying a tv system from somewhere like Lackluster. But then again maybe the CEO is right, and people actually are going to the store to rent a movie for well over 5 dollars, only to be confronted with the quandary, "I have nothing to watch it on! Shit, maybe I should buy a tv". If this seems like a plausible scenario to you, I have a toothpaste blotch shaped like the Virgin Mary you may be interested in.
While I think that having a lounge/coffee shop may indeed increase traffic to a store in Dallas, I don't really see people thinking "Blockbuster" when they think "I'd love some caffeine". And I CERTAINLY don't think that selling tvs is going to prove to be a worthwhile endeavor. Let's face it, the peons who "work" at WorstBuy, are somehow still more qualified to sell you a tv than the clods who work at Lackluster.
So let's leave the fact that this is like the 11th worst idea in a row for Lackluster, and focus on the rest of the store. The MEDIA! Yeah!
What I found was that the majority of the store was made up of DVDs to BUY. That's right, two aisles of for purchase, two aisles of previously viewed (read: we are selling our overstocked items, help us triple our profit, please). Along all the walls are the usual 40 or so copies of "new releases", which in my estimation were mostly B movies, and about 4 movies that I was aware had actually been in theaters at some point.
There were three aisles of video games to rent, two to buy. Then there were four SHORT aisles for Action, Drama, Comedy, and Family. Yep. That was IT. Maybe I'm spoiled by the plethora of categories on Netflix (it's almost too much at times, and can get annoying, as most movies are over-categorized and relisted in at least 5 places), but this was a pretty sad showing. And because the aisles were cramped, the DVD's instead of being displayed by their covers, were stacked vertically, to be read by their spines. Yeah. You can imagine how much more of a intuitive, seemless customer experience that makes. It's possibly the worst idea ever. Customers have to bend down just to read what is on the bottom rung. Yeah. Awesome.
So while I relish the demise of Lackluster™, I can't help but feel sorry for the lonely CEO, CFO, and other corporate shills, sitting on their millions per year, tanking a company that is going to tank no matter what "innovations" they try. The proof is there. Blockbuster Video is DEAD. The Blockbuster brand is dead. It's like going to a Starbuck's for an alcoholic drink... it's weird, and nobody is going to do it.
Oh yeah, and umm, like, sorry it's been 6 months since I blogged. I was pooping or something.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Missed Me, Missed Me, Now You Gotta:
Sprain my ankle.
Yeah. That's right. Gurftastic went and pulled a "Gurf" and sprained the CRAP out of my craptastic ankle. First a brief history of the craptastic ankle, then a rundown of my stupidity, followed by a photodiary of the reprecussions...
I know I've been away a long time. So this post is coming mostly out of guilt. You're welcome.
For those of you who don't know my propensity for being injured, one Seth "browndumper" used to say of me, "if you stub your toe, you are really going to need some pills". I think that was also a dig on the fact that I took pills when I was sick. Seth was still on the "mom will mash em up in my ice cream" plan. He was 18. Still don't think he knows how to swallow a pill. But that's neither here nor there. It's more then.
So Sophomore year of college I sprained the crap out of my ankle while throwing a "Welcome Back" party for about 35 people in my dorm room. I was wearing some sort of Adidas sandals (remember the ones from the 90's that had the really thick spikes on them that were supposed to massage your feet while you walked, but really were just uncomfortable unless you wore socks, but who the fuck wears socks with sandals, well I guess you do, because it's the only way your feet won't fucking hurt wearing those stupid sandals? Remember those? Yeah I was wearing those. Without socks). And I was drunkenly standing in the hallways talking to a friend, when McJosh, from behind me says, "Gurf(tastic) what's up?" I turned. My ankles did not. I fell into a heap (which he then laughed at). Then my ankle ballooned to the size of a grapefruit. Then the hospital, the drunken phonecall home, then Binkley carrying my shit around for me for weeks, Thompson laughing at me at my first lesson that year, oh and crutches. Oh, and then the dorm mother, Linda Muse felt so bad for me (because it would take me like 30 minutes to get to class) she actually got me a wheelchair. So I did that for like 12 minutes before feeling like a complete goon, because I wasn't actually injured enough to warrant wheeling around in that thing. Yeah. So whatevs.
Flash forward a solid 10 years. I'm at the New Music Bake Sale this past Friday. And as it's on the top floor of this old church, and as the church is really crowded with all of NYC's new music and baked goods fans, and one of the ceiling fans wasn't on and the cord was too short, I thought it would be a good idea to clamber ontop of a few friends and switch it on. When DJSkram suggested I stand on his leg (along with Jacob, a buddy I teach with) while he kneels on one leg, I see nothing wrong with it. SO, I get up there, switch the damn thing on, and then in some sort of bastardized piroet, fall like nobody's ever fallen before and absolutely obliterate my ankle on God's floor. Destroyed.
Now I wear some sort of bionic boot, and can only do a very limited amount of walking. Which is not all that funny. But kinda funny. Considering what a douche bag I am. In any event, DJSkram was sure to point out as I hobbled out to get to the hospital, "What, you couldn't even stay to hear my piece? Thanks a lot". Then the cab driver was inexplicably a dick. Then Mandi bitched him out. That was sweet.
And now the long awaited photo diary:
.jpg)
This is the ankle at the hospital. Notice the grapefruit-like qualities.
.jpg)
This is the next morning. Notice the weird Tiger-Shark bruising. Also I should mention that the black toe is from a previous malady.
.jpg)
This is my foot today. The lighting is bad, but you can probably see that nowhere on my foot is the color of my skin, except for the tips of my toes.
.jpg)
This is the backside of my leg. Notice the Tiger-Shark motif, as well as the bruises all the way up to my calf. Awesome. On the plus side, I got THIS:
.jpg)
Meet my bionic boot. It makes me feel like a StarWars Stormtrooper. I think that if I had had this boot as a child, I would've created some sort of Super Hero character named Bionico or something, who inexplicably had a bionic foot. Sometimes, when I'm strapping myself in, I make all sorts of machine sounds, like the air suction sounds from Empire Strikes Back, when Vader gets his mask re-attached. Those sounds. Yeah. I'm a dork. It's all good.
All in all, not such a bad little weekend project!
Yeah. That's right. Gurftastic went and pulled a "Gurf" and sprained the CRAP out of my craptastic ankle. First a brief history of the craptastic ankle, then a rundown of my stupidity, followed by a photodiary of the reprecussions...
I know I've been away a long time. So this post is coming mostly out of guilt. You're welcome.
For those of you who don't know my propensity for being injured, one Seth "browndumper" used to say of me, "if you stub your toe, you are really going to need some pills". I think that was also a dig on the fact that I took pills when I was sick. Seth was still on the "mom will mash em up in my ice cream" plan. He was 18. Still don't think he knows how to swallow a pill. But that's neither here nor there. It's more then.
So Sophomore year of college I sprained the crap out of my ankle while throwing a "Welcome Back" party for about 35 people in my dorm room. I was wearing some sort of Adidas sandals (remember the ones from the 90's that had the really thick spikes on them that were supposed to massage your feet while you walked, but really were just uncomfortable unless you wore socks, but who the fuck wears socks with sandals, well I guess you do, because it's the only way your feet won't fucking hurt wearing those stupid sandals? Remember those? Yeah I was wearing those. Without socks). And I was drunkenly standing in the hallways talking to a friend, when McJosh, from behind me says, "Gurf(tastic) what's up?" I turned. My ankles did not. I fell into a heap (which he then laughed at). Then my ankle ballooned to the size of a grapefruit. Then the hospital, the drunken phonecall home, then Binkley carrying my shit around for me for weeks, Thompson laughing at me at my first lesson that year, oh and crutches. Oh, and then the dorm mother, Linda Muse felt so bad for me (because it would take me like 30 minutes to get to class) she actually got me a wheelchair. So I did that for like 12 minutes before feeling like a complete goon, because I wasn't actually injured enough to warrant wheeling around in that thing. Yeah. So whatevs.
Flash forward a solid 10 years. I'm at the New Music Bake Sale this past Friday. And as it's on the top floor of this old church, and as the church is really crowded with all of NYC's new music and baked goods fans, and one of the ceiling fans wasn't on and the cord was too short, I thought it would be a good idea to clamber ontop of a few friends and switch it on. When DJSkram suggested I stand on his leg (along with Jacob, a buddy I teach with) while he kneels on one leg, I see nothing wrong with it. SO, I get up there, switch the damn thing on, and then in some sort of bastardized piroet, fall like nobody's ever fallen before and absolutely obliterate my ankle on God's floor. Destroyed.
Now I wear some sort of bionic boot, and can only do a very limited amount of walking. Which is not all that funny. But kinda funny. Considering what a douche bag I am. In any event, DJSkram was sure to point out as I hobbled out to get to the hospital, "What, you couldn't even stay to hear my piece? Thanks a lot". Then the cab driver was inexplicably a dick. Then Mandi bitched him out. That was sweet.
And now the long awaited photo diary:
.jpg)
This is the ankle at the hospital. Notice the grapefruit-like qualities.
.jpg)
This is the next morning. Notice the weird Tiger-Shark bruising. Also I should mention that the black toe is from a previous malady.
.jpg)
This is my foot today. The lighting is bad, but you can probably see that nowhere on my foot is the color of my skin, except for the tips of my toes.
.jpg)
This is the backside of my leg. Notice the Tiger-Shark motif, as well as the bruises all the way up to my calf. Awesome. On the plus side, I got THIS:
.jpg)
Meet my bionic boot. It makes me feel like a StarWars Stormtrooper. I think that if I had had this boot as a child, I would've created some sort of Super Hero character named Bionico or something, who inexplicably had a bionic foot. Sometimes, when I'm strapping myself in, I make all sorts of machine sounds, like the air suction sounds from Empire Strikes Back, when Vader gets his mask re-attached. Those sounds. Yeah. I'm a dork. It's all good.
All in all, not such a bad little weekend project!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Dear Hollywood: Watchmen Edition
Ok, let's take this slowly. We're still friends here, Hollywood. I went to see the Watchmen movie. Let me say THIS: You got it right. Almost. SOOOOOOO close.
First of all, the film was very faithful to the book (save the change of ending, which I suppose was necessitated by the fact that the end of the graphic novel was EXTREMELY out, and modern movie audiences "can't" handle too many story lines). The feel of the film, the cinematography, the selection of shots... the look FELT like the comic. This was great. The dialogue of course, was a little stunted, as is the case when comic book dialogue gets thrown onto the big screen. The acting was fair, and as is always the case when casting "unknowns", it's sorta a crap shoot. So the girl playing Laurie Jupiter was... well... she had great tits. I'll give her that. And when she showed her gams, that was fun. But when she talked or emoted, or any of the other things you expect an actor to do, it was terrible. I fully expect her to have an enormous acting career, specifically because people will go to a movie to see her naked, see her wear slinky clothes, and hope that she doesn't talk. And since the comic was so dense with so many story lines, it is only natural in a movie that nears 3 hours (but doesn't feel slow) that there would be need for leaving out SOME. Ok, so I accepted that going in. HOWEVER...
We have to talk about music, Hollywood. Let me describe to you what movie music is for. A movie score is best when you don't really notice it. It enhances the action/drama of the scene without your brain noticing "there's music playing now". It's the old adage of, if a horror movie is scary, turn the sound(track) off... it'll just look like campy bullshit (unless you're watching Funny Games, which has no soundtrack, and is scary as hell). What are some of the iconic movie scores, you ask? Try the original Star Wars. Great fucking score. Great theme that you remember after you walk out. Great incidental music that is intense as hell, and only helps the story. Like the fucking Ring Cycle of Wagner, here a series of leitmotifs are woven together throughout the entire series, linking characters with song in an AMAZING way. Another? Jaws. Those two fucking notes are scary as hell, and throughout the course of the film, whenever a hint of the shark, or a false hint that the shark is coming around, you get that iconic two note theme. Both John Williams scores... hmmm, funny. I could go on an on (like Saving Private Ryan, another Williams score, or other brilliant scores by Hans Zimmer, Jerry Goldsmith, or whatever, but that's not the point). With Watchmen, Hollywood, you decided to go in a different direction. Since this is a big "summer blockbuster" type movie, you decided to do a little cross-promotion. Just like when your girlfriend makes you watch "Four More Times Hugh Grant didn't do Something", where there is scant moment of minimal scoring combined with a KICK-ASS soundtrack full of familiar tunes and covers to be sold under the film company's record label, Warner Brothers decided to opt out of the gritty score-only format. Now the Tyler Bates original score actually serves the film quite well. More it's the SHAMELESS plugs of "period appropriate" music. Matt Marks already ranted pretty well on this topic, so let me just say this: You kinda get the feeling that the editor wasn't all that convinced of the music selection. I mean, the tunes were inserted literally in the most cliched of possible situations. And the editor didn't really fade the tunes in, or try to build them subtly. Rather, he just left em there. Blaring. And glaring. And that's EXACTLY what it sounds like when, I dunno, 99 Luftballoons... during a fucking RESTAURANT DINNER SCENE. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? And as ridiculous as it sounded, and as awkward as it was, YOU LET IT PLAY during the scene, not just to establish it. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? SERIOUSLY!
OK. Read Matt's blog. No need to rehash things. But HOLY CRAP did that ruin the movie. I mean, as I said immediately upon leaving the theater, "I hope when they release the DVD, they have anoption to watch it without the shitty cross-over music". Holy balls that's bad. Damn. I do wonder if there was some greedy Warners exec who was like, "We better include lots of these 80's tunes... our record partners have paid a lot of good money to get som shameless plugs". Fuck you, Hollywood. GodDAMNIT.
First of all, the film was very faithful to the book (save the change of ending, which I suppose was necessitated by the fact that the end of the graphic novel was EXTREMELY out, and modern movie audiences "can't" handle too many story lines). The feel of the film, the cinematography, the selection of shots... the look FELT like the comic. This was great. The dialogue of course, was a little stunted, as is the case when comic book dialogue gets thrown onto the big screen. The acting was fair, and as is always the case when casting "unknowns", it's sorta a crap shoot. So the girl playing Laurie Jupiter was... well... she had great tits. I'll give her that. And when she showed her gams, that was fun. But when she talked or emoted, or any of the other things you expect an actor to do, it was terrible. I fully expect her to have an enormous acting career, specifically because people will go to a movie to see her naked, see her wear slinky clothes, and hope that she doesn't talk. And since the comic was so dense with so many story lines, it is only natural in a movie that nears 3 hours (but doesn't feel slow) that there would be need for leaving out SOME. Ok, so I accepted that going in. HOWEVER...
We have to talk about music, Hollywood. Let me describe to you what movie music is for. A movie score is best when you don't really notice it. It enhances the action/drama of the scene without your brain noticing "there's music playing now". It's the old adage of, if a horror movie is scary, turn the sound(track) off... it'll just look like campy bullshit (unless you're watching Funny Games, which has no soundtrack, and is scary as hell). What are some of the iconic movie scores, you ask? Try the original Star Wars. Great fucking score. Great theme that you remember after you walk out. Great incidental music that is intense as hell, and only helps the story. Like the fucking Ring Cycle of Wagner, here a series of leitmotifs are woven together throughout the entire series, linking characters with song in an AMAZING way. Another? Jaws. Those two fucking notes are scary as hell, and throughout the course of the film, whenever a hint of the shark, or a false hint that the shark is coming around, you get that iconic two note theme. Both John Williams scores... hmmm, funny. I could go on an on (like Saving Private Ryan, another Williams score, or other brilliant scores by Hans Zimmer, Jerry Goldsmith, or whatever, but that's not the point). With Watchmen, Hollywood, you decided to go in a different direction. Since this is a big "summer blockbuster" type movie, you decided to do a little cross-promotion. Just like when your girlfriend makes you watch "Four More Times Hugh Grant didn't do Something", where there is scant moment of minimal scoring combined with a KICK-ASS soundtrack full of familiar tunes and covers to be sold under the film company's record label, Warner Brothers decided to opt out of the gritty score-only format. Now the Tyler Bates original score actually serves the film quite well. More it's the SHAMELESS plugs of "period appropriate" music. Matt Marks already ranted pretty well on this topic, so let me just say this: You kinda get the feeling that the editor wasn't all that convinced of the music selection. I mean, the tunes were inserted literally in the most cliched of possible situations. And the editor didn't really fade the tunes in, or try to build them subtly. Rather, he just left em there. Blaring. And glaring. And that's EXACTLY what it sounds like when, I dunno, 99 Luftballoons... during a fucking RESTAURANT DINNER SCENE. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? And as ridiculous as it sounded, and as awkward as it was, YOU LET IT PLAY during the scene, not just to establish it. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? SERIOUSLY!
OK. Read Matt's blog. No need to rehash things. But HOLY CRAP did that ruin the movie. I mean, as I said immediately upon leaving the theater, "I hope when they release the DVD, they have anoption to watch it without the shitty cross-over music". Holy balls that's bad. Damn. I do wonder if there was some greedy Warners exec who was like, "We better include lots of these 80's tunes... our record partners have paid a lot of good money to get som shameless plugs". Fuck you, Hollywood. GodDAMNIT.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Dear Hollywood: Ruining My Childhood Fave Movies Edition
What the FUCK are you thinking Hollywood? I mean, I know that remaking old films is sorta all the rage, and like not having to create anything from scratch or have a substantive, original idea is like a goose that lays golden fucking script-filled eggs. But like, really, this shit is getting out of hand. It's bad enough that you took Transformers, my beloved robot cartoon show, and made it into a Michael Bay, Shia LaQueef debacle. Oh, and there's a sequel. It was bad enough when you decided to reboot the Superman franchise, although without really any thought to plot lines, or any real attention to like, I dunno, ANYTHING really... It was bad enough when you flirted with the idea of remaking Red Dawn and Top Gun.
But now you've gone and REALLY pissed me off. Clue: The Movie, was and is a brilliant piece of cinema magic. Tim Curry was flawless. Martin Mull was great, Christopher Lloyd was brilliant. Eileen Brennan, Lesley Ann Warren, Michael McKean, Madeline Kahn, Colleen Fucking Dream Girl of My Whole Entire Fucking Life Full of Wet Dreams About Her Amazing Fucking Titties Camp? All amazing. The writing is brilliant, the cast is wonderful... it's funny, it's smart, it's fucking great. It has three fucking Endings. THREE. What the fuck could be better than that? It's fucking CLUE. "Mr. Body's body... it's gone!"
Well no, know the brainiacs in Hollywood have chosen to defame one of my all-time favorite fucking flicks. Here's two paragraphs that really fucking scare me...
FUCK!
But now you've gone and REALLY pissed me off. Clue: The Movie, was and is a brilliant piece of cinema magic. Tim Curry was flawless. Martin Mull was great, Christopher Lloyd was brilliant. Eileen Brennan, Lesley Ann Warren, Michael McKean, Madeline Kahn, Colleen Fucking Dream Girl of My Whole Entire Fucking Life Full of Wet Dreams About Her Amazing Fucking Titties Camp? All amazing. The writing is brilliant, the cast is wonderful... it's funny, it's smart, it's fucking great. It has three fucking Endings. THREE. What the fuck could be better than that? It's fucking CLUE. "Mr. Body's body... it's gone!"
Well no, know the brainiacs in Hollywood have chosen to defame one of my all-time favorite fucking flicks. Here's two paragraphs that really fucking scare me...
Hasbro has "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" and "G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra," both of which will be distributed by Paramount this summer. At Universal, Hasbro hatched "Stretch Armstrong," which just set Steve Oedekerk as writer; the Ridley Scott-directed "Monopoly"; "Candyland," which Etan Cohen ("Tropic Thunder") is writing for Kevin Lima to direct; and "Ouija," which is being produced by Michael Bay�s Platinum Dunes banner.
Verbinski followed the "Pirates of the Caribbean" films by directing the animated Paramount feature "Rango" with Johnny Depp.
"Clue" will be turned into a mystery that Blind Wink senior veep Jonathan Krauss called "A global thriller and transmedia event that uses deductive reasoning as its storytelling engine."
Not only are they making a fucking STRETCH ARMSTRONG FUCKING MOVIE, but they got some dude you directed Pirates of the fucking Disneyland RIDE: THE MOVIE to make this fucking schlock. It's gonna suck. It's going to make me want to march over there and beat someone up. Seriously. It's pissing me off and it's nowhere close to being made yet. What the FUCK Hollywood?? How can you mess with a movie that was fucking perfect to begin with? I mean... Jesus... take a look at Colleen Camp's tits again, and tell me you want to mess with that?FUCK!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
25 Things I Hate About You
Stop it. Don't fill it out. It's dumb. YOU know you're tempted. Don't do it. Yes, I'm talking about the "25 Things" craze that's sweeping Facebook. For those of you who don't know, the 25 Things is a list of 25 things about yourself that your friends might not otherwise know. Then you tag 25 friends of whom there is some significance in your list for each of them. Then they write a list. This is called a chain letter. For any of you who've ever passed one on, A) I'm still waiting for that email technology check from Microsoft, B) I think that the GAP really IS going to give everyone who passes it along $100, and so forth.
It's kinda like that movie, "10 Things I Hate About You", where they took "The Taming of the Shrew" and "updated" it for a modern teen audience. And by "updated" I mean, butchered The Bard's words, dumbed down the plot, and generally made life hell for me and anyone else who was forced by their then girlfriends to watch it. The 25 Things is kinda like that. Only shittier.
I can see how a girl would want to fill it out. It plays right into how they interract with friends. Observe: Carol ShamWow fills out her list...
"23. I still don't eat anchovies" This is an inside joke shout out to Carol's best friend from high school Sarah Cynthia Silvia Stout (who finally took the garbage out- and NO this is not about you SISTER, who by the way, I used to think was Sarah Cynthia Silvia Stout, and if you read HER 25 things, you might know why). Back when they used to be friends, they were at some pizza place and a really cute guy asked them if they wanted the rest of his anchovy pizza. They said yes of course, and then proceeded to try to eat it while they flirted with him. Hehehe! And instead of actually reconnecting with her old friend SCSS, Carol just tags her in her note, and the friend whom she hasn't seen in years is alerted when she logs onto Facebook. Now she feels obliged to A) respond to the shout out by posting something like, "Awww remember how cute he was? OMG! Did I tell you I'm an amputee now, and also I train loose seals?" And then proceeds out of some guilt process to write her own 25 things, so the chain isn't unbroken.
Next Carol— and keep in mind, she has a serious dyslexia issue, so don't make fun of her for writing the list out of order—writes, "14. I totally had an NKOTB poster on the backside of my closet in college. My roommate never knew!!" And then tags the roommate. Do you see how this works? This way, all the friends feel validated, and Carol ensures that people with whom she has a passing (at best) intimacy with feel as though they know her REALLY well now.
Dudes... I dunno. I don't know why dudes would ever fill that out. EVER. I tried tonight to come up with a list. I came up with 2 things.
So I present, The 2 Things. Don't pass this on. Don't do anything, really.
1. I fucking hate these sorry and mind-numbingly boring trivialities that the masses find entertaining. Grow a fucking synapse.
2. Fuck you for tagging me in this shit.
I feel like that pretty much sums it up. So please, please, PLEASE, America (and notice I used the Oxford comma, which I was instructed in school was NOT proper, but I've come to realize later in life, is, technically, perfectly proper, technically speaking), STOP THIS 25 THINGS THING. Are you really going to turn Facebook into a giant fucking chain letter? Really? Don't go down willingly... that is how we lost Myspace and Friendster... Are we all gonna have to join some new cheesy social networking site? FUCK.
/ rant
It's kinda like that movie, "10 Things I Hate About You", where they took "The Taming of the Shrew" and "updated" it for a modern teen audience. And by "updated" I mean, butchered The Bard's words, dumbed down the plot, and generally made life hell for me and anyone else who was forced by their then girlfriends to watch it. The 25 Things is kinda like that. Only shittier.
I can see how a girl would want to fill it out. It plays right into how they interract with friends. Observe: Carol ShamWow fills out her list...
"23. I still don't eat anchovies" This is an inside joke shout out to Carol's best friend from high school Sarah Cynthia Silvia Stout (who finally took the garbage out- and NO this is not about you SISTER, who by the way, I used to think was Sarah Cynthia Silvia Stout, and if you read HER 25 things, you might know why). Back when they used to be friends, they were at some pizza place and a really cute guy asked them if they wanted the rest of his anchovy pizza. They said yes of course, and then proceeded to try to eat it while they flirted with him. Hehehe! And instead of actually reconnecting with her old friend SCSS, Carol just tags her in her note, and the friend whom she hasn't seen in years is alerted when she logs onto Facebook. Now she feels obliged to A) respond to the shout out by posting something like, "Awww remember how cute he was? OMG! Did I tell you I'm an amputee now, and also I train loose seals?" And then proceeds out of some guilt process to write her own 25 things, so the chain isn't unbroken.
Next Carol— and keep in mind, she has a serious dyslexia issue, so don't make fun of her for writing the list out of order—writes, "14. I totally had an NKOTB poster on the backside of my closet in college. My roommate never knew!!" And then tags the roommate. Do you see how this works? This way, all the friends feel validated, and Carol ensures that people with whom she has a passing (at best) intimacy with feel as though they know her REALLY well now.
Dudes... I dunno. I don't know why dudes would ever fill that out. EVER. I tried tonight to come up with a list. I came up with 2 things.
So I present, The 2 Things. Don't pass this on. Don't do anything, really.
1. I fucking hate these sorry and mind-numbingly boring trivialities that the masses find entertaining. Grow a fucking synapse.
2. Fuck you for tagging me in this shit.
I feel like that pretty much sums it up. So please, please, PLEASE, America (and notice I used the Oxford comma, which I was instructed in school was NOT proper, but I've come to realize later in life, is, technically, perfectly proper, technically speaking), STOP THIS 25 THINGS THING. Are you really going to turn Facebook into a giant fucking chain letter? Really? Don't go down willingly... that is how we lost Myspace and Friendster... Are we all gonna have to join some new cheesy social networking site? FUCK.
/ rant
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