On Love

This will NOT be a blog about how we all just got collectively sodomized by the Senate and the big Telecoms. But we did. That's why your butt hurts. And why the government is listening to you complain to your friend about it.

No this is about relationships. Or rather, the end of relationships. In honor of the Hallmark Holiday I present a few of my rather lame and obvious thoughts about things. As Jerry Seinfeld puts it, (or as they call him in Mexico, "Sign-failed") trying to be friends with someone you've been in a relationship with is hard to do. You already know each other so well, you know all the other person's tricks. It's like, "two magicians trying to entertain each other... 'here's a rabbit', 'so what... here's your card... why don't we just saw each other in half and get this over with' ".

My general feelings on relationships is that you should try to enjoy them while you're in them. A partner should enjoy his/her counterpart. Spending all your time fighting about why the potato latkes aren't ready yet, or trying to change your partner into someone they are not, and all that really defeats the purpose of the relationship. Because you're not going to be friends afterwards. Even if you say that you will, you won't. Even if you can't currently picture your life without your mate in it, if that relationship ends you won't be close. You can't be. And while that stings at first, imagine trying to keep a level of intimacy with someone whom you know you can't "be" with. Here's why it doesn't work:

Women*: (*note: I'm not a "woman" so don't you all get all uppity at me for not "understanding" women. I don't claim to even remotely begin to come close to scratching the surface of having a preconceived notion of what the hell goes on in your slightly smaller brains. All I can say is, what follows is a few observations and some of my best guesses. Feel free to leave a comment.) Women have the uncanny ability to call an ex-boyfriend just to "see how he is doing". I don't really know what that means. Probably because I'm not a woman. The "see how he is doing" call is generally early after a break up, to ensure that the ex is sufficiently heartbroken, but can also occur years later, because they were "just thinking of you". For women, these can be harmless, and genuine caring for their respective ex-partner take precedence over any awkwardness they feel. Sometimes women have ulterior motives behind their calls. But somehow, women believe that a true friendship can be attained with someone with whom they've been so utterly intimate, even if they are still sexually or otherwise attracted to that person.

Men: Men perceive any of the above as either A) a trap to get back in the relationship, or B) "that chick so wants to bone me again". I've got news, ladies... any of you out there who are actually legitimate friends with an ex of yours (you guys hang out, talk about people you're dating, whatever), your ex still thinks there is a chance that he may get to weasel his flacid meatsicle between your legs again, bend you over and give you the Dirty Sanchez the way only "he" can. Don't believe me? Get drunk with him, and get all flirty, and tell him that it's "Valentine's Day, and you were thinking about A) that day at the lake, B) the roadtrip you took together, C) the time you tried anal, and see what happens. Men ALWAYS think there's a chance. I know a guy, we'll call him Bartleby. Bartleby believes that there are no chicks in the world who don't want to sleep with him. There are just a bunch of chicks who haven't slept with him YET.

The thing is, ladies, when you go and hang out with your ex, he spends half of his brain power remembering you naked, and half of his brain power trying to determine if you've gained/lost weight, and if that has added/subtracted more badunka to/from your dunk. Having completed these calculations, said ex now spends full brain power on trying to convince you to sleep with him again. He may not be overt, but men are crafty, despite our generally low level of thought production. There are no friends. That just doesn't work.

Friends feel selflessly about each other, and have no ulterior motives other than support and compassion. Ex's have too much baggage to ever truly be supportive and friendly. Think about it. If you tell a friend about the new guy/girl in your life, your friend is happy for you and wishes you the best. If you tell your ex—even if the two of you are completely over each other in every possible way— somewhere, somehow, maybe just for a fraction of a second (maybe for longer) that person will feel something. There will be a feeling there. The two of you were close once, and you guys didn't work out, and in some way it's hurtful that you've chosen someone else to be with, rather than them. So even if it's irrational and not what they WANT, it's still there. And it happens.

The moral of the story, don't try to be friends after. Why not spend your time DURING being friends, instead? It's fucking VD (yes, Valentine's Day and venereal disease share more than just their initials...), so grab your sweetie, kiss him/her on the cock/clit/ass/mouth and fucking chill the fuck OUT would you?

Now, here's a Valentine's Day card I wouldn't feel like a total HERB giving someone. From Cracked.com...