Addendum

As happens from time to time, I feel inclined to clarify some of my earlier statements. It's come to my attention that a line from my most recent blog "Why Guys Like Porn (short version)" was incompletely explained. That line was, "Women are hardwired to seek out the best mate for the propagation of the species". Now, my blog was not meant to say that women don't like sex, don't enjoy the sexual act, and don't look at and enjoy pornography. Many (apparently many, many) women have begun watching and producing porn for their own viewing. My blog was aimed at the women who don't like porn, who find it vile and disgusting and offensive, and view any guy who enjoys porn as a sick fuck. It was to those women that I attempted to explain a bit about male sexuality. I was NOT trying to take a misogynistic view of the world, simplifying men as "fuckers", and women as "nesters" or something as base as that. I meant that in nature, for the propagation of the species (which is what sexual congress in nature is for) females search for a good genetic match (and are therefore more selective in their mates), while males will pretty much bone anyone (studies have actually proven that what we find attractive in a potential mate is actually what sets up a potentially good genetic match— and oftentimes it is variety that we seek out, which explains why Jewish dudes love Asian chicks so much— so that in some way both sexes have this innate search, but women are more discerning, so we'll just go with that for a while).

Now while the Flying Spaghetti Monster has endowed humans with the wonderous physical sensation of the orgasm, to help entice us to propagate fruitfully (although not the 30-minute orgasm of our bacony delicious piggy friends), making our sexual congresses so much sexier than the House of Representatives and the Senate, even though the house is shaped like a tit, the fact remains that on a purely reproductive level, women are inclined to be more selective about whom they let enter into that "special" kind of hug. I'm not saying that women don't like sex every bit as much as men, if not more. I'm not saying that women don't get pleasure from masturbating or fantasizing or looking at porn. I'm not saying that women only look for potential life mates while men look for fuck buddies. I'm not saying that women don't walk down the street and see a dude and think "Check out the package on THAT dude!!!!" or wonder what it might be like to have sex with two midgets and a donkey that whistles "Dixie". But my blog was about MEN, and all that I'm saying is that men DO fantasize about fucking different chicks. I'm not saying that it should be socially acceptable for us to check out a chick while we're standing next to our lover, because that's rude and cruel. To make your significant other feel unattractive and unwanted, or at least LESS wanted is humiliating and unnecessary. But to those ladies out there who think that a guy looking at porn is the same thing as cheating, all I'm saying is that actually fantasy is natural, healthy, and generally leads to healthier, stronger relationships rather than hurting them. I mean, wouldn't you rather have your man beat his dick and come home at night to make love to you, rather than go out looking for other chicks to bone?

Why Guys Like Porn (short version)

Ok ok ok. Everyone calm down. Now let's just get this thing out in the open, and then we can all go back to living in shame.

Guys like porn. Men and women are different in a variety of ways (Matt... I promise I'll explain what goes where on NYE), but none more fundamental than their mode of reproductive urges. Men are hardwired to try to spread their seed. Women are hardwired to seek out the best mate for the propagation of the species. You can see it in nature. In our primate cousins (don't bother reading further if you don't believe in evolution or at the very least, Flying Spaghetti Monster-ism). You can see it in dogs. You can see it in how horny dudes are. That's right ladies, no matter how much your dude loves you, and he does honestly, there is an innate desire within him to do it with as many chicks as is possible... his seed must live on! Society has decided that pornography is inappropriate and to be shunned. In a lot of ways, this blog is pornographic, in that it's offensive, and perverse. And I may or may not be wearing pants right now. But let's look back at porn for a second:

Ancient Greece: Thursday, 7:48 pm. Horatio arrives at the sex party that his friends Horace and Helen are having. Horatio knows that tomorrow he takes his apprentice, Hortence out for that "initiation" ceremony that all mentors love (and mentees fear), and wanted to ensure he was... UP to the task. So Horatio strips naked like the rest of the 20-some party goers, and ties a little piece of string around his wangsticle. This he notes, is to signal that he is not "participating" tonight. So how does Horatio occupy his evening? Well, he WATCHES all his friends wife-swap, and do "butt" stuff and whatever else those sick Greeks could think of. And Horatio watched. And thus porn was born. Although probably sometime in history before that somebody watched somebody else bone.

Flashforward to the present. Now back in the day, there was no stigma associated with looking at porn. Today it is like a dirty little secret. Well, here's the thing. Guys like porn. I'm just talking about the average, run-of-the-mill stuff. Naked chicks. Not the like triple-anal-ball-gag-ground-beef porno. That can only be explored in "Why Guys Like Porn (long version). A guy looks at porn and has a momentary fantasy. A guy looks at porn and thinks about boning some chick. Every time a guy walks down the street and sees a girl, he instinctually ponders, "what would it be like to fuck her", even if it's only for a second. Porn affords guys the ability to "fuck" a virtually unlimited number of girls. A guy can have sex with a different girl anytime he wants to. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, ladies. It doesn't mean that he doesn't respect you. He is satisfying this instinctual desire in the healthiest way he knows how... sheer fantasy.

So here's the deal: Guys look at porn, not to get ready to cheat on their significant others (although this sometimes happens, admittedly), not because they are unsatisfied with their sex-lives, not because they want to be with someone else. Guys look at porn, because it's in their nature to LOOK. When a guy cheats, that's different. He's broken a promise he's made to someone else. But when a guy fantasizes about some slut in a magazine, he does so so that he doesn't have a need to stray from you. He does it because guys are always naturally curious... is the grass greener? Or shaved? So don't condemn a guy because he likes to LOOK. Shit.