25 Things I Hate About You

Stop it. Don't fill it out. It's dumb. YOU know you're tempted. Don't do it. Yes, I'm talking about the "25 Things" craze that's sweeping Facebook. For those of you who don't know, the 25 Things is a list of 25 things about yourself that your friends might not otherwise know. Then you tag 25 friends of whom there is some significance in your list for each of them. Then they write a list. This is called a chain letter. For any of you who've ever passed one on, A) I'm still waiting for that email technology check from Microsoft, B) I think that the GAP really IS going to give everyone who passes it along $100, and so forth.

It's kinda like that movie, "10 Things I Hate About You", where they took "The Taming of the Shrew" and "updated" it for a modern teen audience. And by "updated" I mean, butchered The Bard's words, dumbed down the plot, and generally made life hell for me and anyone else who was forced by their then girlfriends to watch it. The 25 Things is kinda like that. Only shittier.

I can see how a girl would want to fill it out. It plays right into how they interract with friends. Observe: Carol ShamWow fills out her list...

"23. I still don't eat anchovies" This is an inside joke shout out to Carol's best friend from high school Sarah Cynthia Silvia Stout (who finally took the garbage out- and NO this is not about you SISTER, who by the way, I used to think was Sarah Cynthia Silvia Stout, and if you read HER 25 things, you might know why). Back when they used to be friends, they were at some pizza place and a really cute guy asked them if they wanted the rest of his anchovy pizza. They said yes of course, and then proceeded to try to eat it while they flirted with him. Hehehe! And instead of actually reconnecting with her old friend SCSS, Carol just tags her in her note, and the friend whom she hasn't seen in years is alerted when she logs onto Facebook. Now she feels obliged to A) respond to the shout out by posting something like, "Awww remember how cute he was? OMG! Did I tell you I'm an amputee now, and also I train loose seals?" And then proceeds out of some guilt process to write her own 25 things, so the chain isn't unbroken.

Next Carol— and keep in mind, she has a serious dyslexia issue, so don't make fun of her for writing the list out of order—writes, "14. I totally had an NKOTB poster on the backside of my closet in college. My roommate never knew!!" And then tags the roommate. Do you see how this works? This way, all the friends feel validated, and Carol ensures that people with whom she has a passing (at best) intimacy with feel as though they know her REALLY well now.

Dudes... I dunno. I don't know why dudes would ever fill that out. EVER. I tried tonight to come up with a list. I came up with 2 things.

So I present, The 2 Things. Don't pass this on. Don't do anything, really.

1. I fucking hate these sorry and mind-numbingly boring trivialities that the masses find entertaining. Grow a fucking synapse.

2. Fuck you for tagging me in this shit.


I feel like that pretty much sums it up. So please, please, PLEASE, America (and notice I used the Oxford comma, which I was instructed in school was NOT proper, but I've come to realize later in life, is, technically, perfectly proper, technically speaking), STOP THIS 25 THINGS THING. Are you really going to turn Facebook into a giant fucking chain letter? Really? Don't go down willingly... that is how we lost Myspace and Friendster... Are we all gonna have to join some new cheesy social networking site? FUCK.

/ rant

This is why

If you've ever wondered what the term "Rochester as Fuck" (RAF) for short... this is it. In a nutshell.

A Kinder, Gentler Gurftastic

Not really. But just wanted to point out a bit about the new Prez's first few days. Personally, I could gush and gloat here, but that's not really what this is all about. More that Obama is pretty shrewd. You'll remember the attacks of course. "Obama is a Terrorist", "Obama is going to be sworn in on the Koran", "Obama is a Muslim", "Obama went to a Madrassa school", "Obama wears women's clothes", "Obama has homosexual sex and smokes crack", "Obama will eat your babies", and so forth. Well yesterday, Obama gave an interview with the Dubai-based Al-Arabiya Network where he basically said, "America is not your enemy". But then he went on to highlight how he has Muslim members of his family, and how he has lived in Muslim nations. The very facts that Repubs shat themselves over for months, he now uses as a tool to appeal to those who would want to hurt us. Kinda smart. Kinda great. Gush, gush, gush.

On poorly lit porn

Seriously... come on. I mean, I appreciate the fact that you want to put your wang and your girlfriend's poorly shaven cooter on the intertron. I appreciate that you even convinced her to look up at the camera while she fellates you. I even appreciate the fact that you don't try to hide all the zits on both your asses. But like, I mean, if you're going to go through all the trouble of that, the least you could do is light the damn shot well. Shit.

And then there's the production porno with the bad lighting. What's THAT all about? I saw a video that was so washed out, the white balance was so bad that you couldn't tell where a white chick's body ended and the beige rug began. What the fuck is THAT? And yet you found this acceptable enough to release? REALLY?

Here's a question. Now that like just about everyone is getting their porn on the world-wide net, how are porn companies going to stay in business? I mean, I realize that all the free porn sites that are out there are recycling content, but someone has to be creating content. And who the FUCK is paying for that? That seems like a shitty business model, no?

Ahh!

Don't fuck this up... we all love you, and think you're awesome... please don't fuck this up...

Sir kit Shitty

Well, we all knew this was coming, right? I mean, any company that BLOCKBUSTER thinks about acquiring must be doomed to failure. I'm thinking now might finally be the time to get that big-screen tv and... umm... what the fuck else do they sell at Circuit City? And you wonder why they're going under...

Dear Old People: Facebook Edition

Dear Old People,

Thanks. It's really cute that you are trying, and I really appreciate it. You've even figured out how to post a picture to facebook. That's so cool for you. But here's the thing: Lately, I've been getting lots of friend requests from you "people". Not "you" people... Anyways, it's like this, you're old, you have a friend who's a musician. You somehow search something and my name comes up. We've never met, live in different countries, will probably never meet ever, and yet you want to friend request me. And you don't even bother to send me a note. What the fuck is that? Do you really expect me to get all excited and fucking friend you because you're old and you play a brass instrument in Italy? Really? Fuck you.

Bad idea

I get it. You like shitty movies and tv... I don't know why, but I GET that YOU like them. But the "He's Just Not That Into You" movie? REALLY? Look, it's got my dreamgirl, Scarlet Johansson in it, and she's really hot. I GET that... but it doesn't make up for the fact that this is a movie based on a book that was based on the advice of a tv show about over-the-hill skanks who can't seem to keep their legs closed long enough into a conversation with a man to figure out if he'd actually make a decent partner rather than just another shaft to fill their ever-widening acrid vaginas. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the trailer almost sadly points out how this movie must've been written about 2 years ago. Drew Barrymore is ooing or awwwing out of the side of her mouth about something (don't even get me started on how I don't like Drew Barrymore, or any side-mouth talkers for that matter... that shit pisses me the fuck off), and complains about how some dude sent her a myspace message. Then the prototypical asian gay dude says, "Myspace is the new booty call!". Booyah! Now we're in touch with today's youth! FUCK YOU. They probably updated the word "Myspace" from "Prodigy Online" in the original script that was written by someone with an "@aol.com" email address. Shut the shit up, Hollywood. Go fuck yourself.

Friend Requests

I have three friend requests sitting unanswered on my Facebook homepage. One is from a complete stranger with whom I have no friends in common. She has one picture up, some sort of bizarre model pic. And 50 some friends.

Then next is from some random girl I've never met in Vancouver, who is friends with ONE person I know.

And the last is from a guy who used to be a giant DOUCHE in highschool, as well as used to give me "noogies" as much as possible in middle school, because I was short and he had some sort of glandular disorder that made him tall and also stupid. And his dad was the coach of our basketball team. So when I'd complain, it sorta fell on dead ears.

None of these people I would consider a friend. But I'm looking for some sort of reader poll here as to who I should befriend. And I think I'm only going to friend one... it's time I started slowing down...

That's Funny...

Every now and again, something makes me chuckle. Not one of those half-hearted chortles you're used to hearing from the people you tell your inane knock-knock jokes to. No this is a real, ALMOST laugh. On occasion this turns into an actual laugh.

McSweeney's catalogue of hilarity is something that I've reveled in for a while. My mother actually turned me onto the collection with one of their short story compendiums, with greatest hits like, "Why does the Death Star Need a Trash Compactor?" That's a fucking brilliant essay, and it hits on both my geekiness and inquisitiveness genes. It's fucking brilliant. Well, so is THIS!

Religulous

Just watched Bill Maher's Religulous over at the Google video...



I'll give a brief rundown... While certainly not the most thorough evaluation of religion in society (and let's face it, every documentary ever seen is not exactly the most in-depth analysis... read the book, it's always better— yes MOM, I just wrote that), it is pretty funny, kinda out, and only a touch preachy. Well, kinda preachy. And totally takes a real scared-straight approach right at the end.

So the brief rundown is this... Americans are fucking idiots. Religious nuts are SUPER idiots. And all the major religions are dumb. And then there's Mormons. And Scientologists. And pretty much they're real dumb.

One interesting thing tidbit Bill touches on is the whole hierarchical structure of the Catholic Church... and ya know, how none of that was really set out by the teachings of Jesus or any of that... it was just sorta INVENTED by MAN afterward. Good times.

There's a lot I could go into, like things I'd wished he'd talked about, but again, it's just a documentary, not really like a Fast Food Nation expose. Anyways, check it out if you've got 2 hours to kill and you either know your faith will see you through, or you think you have no faith. Or whatever. I don't care. Is there a religion for apathetics? And don't go all flying pasta dish on me... even though I love that damn meatballed son of a bitch.

Why White Chicks Like 'Friends'

Why? The simple answer should be painfully obvious to any avid reader of the Gurftastic Blog: Women have smaller brains, and are therefore "limited" in their ability to separate "shit" from "must-see-tv". But that's just the silly answer. Let's dig deeper.

Why do white chicks like Friends? Well for starters, it lets them feel in a non-threatening way that it is perfectly acceptable to fail miserably at countless relationships and be over 30 and un-married. Now I'm not saying it ISN'T acceptable, I'm just saying that women of a certain age feel a lot of pressure to lock down a husband and start crapping out spawn. This phenomenon is known as adolescence. And ever since that time, women feel this need to hang onto their man. Friends shows them that even if they don't, they can always marry that sweet, cute, kinda dorky guy who lives across the hall. It also reinforces the myth (which the Gurftastic blog had thoroughly de-bunked) that Exs can remain friends after a breakup. This of course is known as "delusional fantasy". It even postulates that people can date within a small group of friends and everyone will be cool and totally not weirded out by it. Yeah.

Let's examine the characters a bit: there are three girls and three guys. Ladies first, please: There's the hot, rich, daddy's girl, who's all grown up and having "big girl's life in the big city". Every girl identifies with this character a little, because either A) they are rich and spoiled by their father but desperately trying to prove they don't need him, or B) their father treated them like shit and they desperately wish to be this character. Next up is the "whacky" girl. She's a little off-kilter, but really fun once you get to know her. She's one-part Massachusetts liberal (reads Mother Jones), one part every girl in NYC who wants to "let loose" one night and gets trashed and a little loose-lipped with her friends. Every girl identifies with her, because they either feel strongly that they are this independent, free-thinking, hippie-culture-even-though-

you're-clearly-not-a-hippie chick, or they despise that chick, and try desperately not to be her. Lastly is the obsessive-compulsive control-freak who used to be fat. Do I really need to explain why every girl identifies with her?

Let's look at the boys, shall we? First is stereotypical vapid actor dude. He's basically an idiot, but is good-looking, and although he sleeps with a different girl every week, he's got a heart of gold (funny side note, while typing "heart of gold" on my iPhone, it translated my missed keystrokes into "wart of gold". Pretty brilliant). Every girl has fucked or wanted to fuck this guy. Consciously knowing he's a total player, but thinking that deep down he's really special and it will just take the right girl to bring it out of him. Next up, the safe dude. He's a doctor (of anthropology for some reason), is pretty nerdy and awkward, and a big sweatheart. He's just no good at relationships. AWWWWW! Every girl knows that this guy is good marriage material, but nobody really finds him attractive till they're old and be-haggard. Lastly, the funny guy! Always ready to break an awkward moment with a semi-witty comment, the funny guy is a total douche, but he's got a heart of gold. He's just got intimacy issues... Yeah!!!!

So there are your six 'Friends'. Obviously there's an attraction to the characters. But it's the inter-character development that really makes white chicks cream in their Victoria Secrets. The key thing with Friends is, all of the girls are friends. Like, there's never really a time when Monica stops talking to Rachel for a season because Rachel dicked over her brother. At no point does Phoebe fall into a depression and hang out by herself, or hang with a different clique of people. No, these three girls actually have an impossibly romanticized version of friendship, perhaps worse than the equivalent Romance/Comedy version of falling in love. On the show, none of the girls ever does any backstabbing against the other. There is no sleeping with her best friend's boyfriend because she forgot to do the dishes. There is no "she's better friends with her than with me, but I knew her first!". There is no competition for the boy's attention. No there's no "she's my good friend, but I'd never let her around one of my boyfriends, cause she would steal him". None of it. Instead, these girls live in impossibly large apartments in Manhattan, love each other genuinely, and whore themselves out to any guy who smiles at them at their local coffee shop. It's every white chicks' fucking dream come true. Because when it comes down to it, every white chick kinda hates her friends, because they are all competition to her on some level. But that's a topic for another diatribe. Where Sex and the City glamorized "big girls' nite out" and girls openly talking about sex and sexuality, Friends glamorized non-snipey friendship... Friends for friends-sake.

So now we have the dating circle. This is the 90210 phenomenon where people date within a select set of characters and nobody seems to really mind. This plays into the whole Exs as friends fallacy, as well as the impossible ideal that a girl can date her best friends ex, and it will totally be cool with everyone. It's a lie that white chicks love to play along with. They can date around and around the loop and there's no consequences. No weirdness, except for probably one episode where about 2 minutes is dedicated to, "Isn't it weird?" "Well, it was, but then... now it's not" "Awesome".

So that only leaves one more thing. Friends helps to alleviate every white chick's deep seeded fear that she will somehow, someday, someway be replaced by a tiny Asian girl. I think there may have been a time where one of the guys dated an asian chick, but I'm assuming it didn't work out. Pretty much at every other time in the show, the girl characters are always the centers of attention from all the guys. This helps to allay that nagging thought that pervades a white chick's consciousness... It could happen at ANY moment. It wouldn't take too much... one wrong move and BAM! Tiny Asian chick. But here in the land of Friends, there's no chance of that ever happening. On the show, none of the dudes are ever leering at the tiny Asian chicks roaming the city of New York. And none of the guys ever sit around talking about how they'd love to date an Asian chick for a while. Yeah, it's a fucking white girl wet dream.

So why DO white chicks like 'Friends'? It's obviously a complicated question. But I guess it's the same reason guys in rural areas fuck farm animals instead of real women: Real life is a lot suckier than outrageous fantasy life. And with the Friends, at least there's no chance they're gong to shit on you (Schwimmer not included). So yeah, I understand a little WHY you chicks like Friends so much. I mean, I don't REALLY, but I kinda get it.