Dear Hollywood: Why do you hate me? edition

What the fuck is this shit?



I mean, REALLY?

Where's Mine?

How about this: All outstanding federal student loan debt is forgiven... I mean, look, these multi-BILLION dollar bailouts we are giving to irresponsible businessmen may be a "great" idea for the economy, but the fact that nearly 100% of people who try to better themselves through higher education begin their working career in debt seems like a pretty bad deal. Shit, Germany has free school. Is that a bad idea? What could be better for the economy than forgiving the debt of MILLIONS of people? Don't you think that struggling post-grads would be more apt to pay off their credit cards (the next chip to fall) if they didn't also have to pay off $120,000 for those four years at Virginia Tech? Don't you think that more young families would be able to BUY HOMES and PAY their MORTGAGES if they didn't have stifling debt? And how much do you think that it would ACTUALLY cost to forgive the outstanding debt? A Billion? Ten billion? A Hundred Billion? Certainly not the 8.5 TRILLION dollars that some calculate the bailout is currently reaching. And wouldn't you rather $100 Billion of your hard earned dollars go towards helping people who NEED it, rather than people who already squandered it? On THAT note:

Why do we still have poverty in this country? The richest fucking country in the fucking world, and 2 million children go to bed hungry every night. While we're so busy bailing out Wall Street, to stave off the collapse of the entire world's financial markets, don't you think there's a billion or 10 in there we could find to like, I dunno, buy everyone in this country a house? Or like, feed the homeless? Or build the homeless FREE housing? Or like, buy em a winter jacket? Or like, I dunno, just END poverty? But Gurftastic, that sounds like SOCIALIST ideas to me... or even... C...C...C....Communism...


Well, no it's not, dumbass. It's common fucking sense. First of all, what the FUCK is so wrong with Socialism? I mean, didn't Jesus, or whomever the FUCK you worship supposedly say the MEEK shall inherit the Earth? Don't all the Bible stories basically say, be kind to everyone and help out the poor? What's wrong with sharing wealth? What's wrong with taking someone who has nothing, and giving them a fighting chance? What's wrong with helping the homeless in this country, in which 1 out of 2 is a veteran of our armed forces? Is America the greatest country in the world? Let's prove it.

Fuck it, I'm out.

The Second Thanksgiving

Everyone is always so focused on the FIRST Thanksgiving, when the semi-evil, arch-religious Puritans left Britain to practice their horrendously oppressive religion in the New World. Oh yeah, and oppress a whole new race of people (the Injuns).

But the SECOND Thanksgiving was the money one. You see, because that's the one where they had traditions. That's the one where everyone remembered how good FucksaMoose's cornbread stuffing had been, and how amazing RapesBuffalowithStick's turducken surprISE! was (hint: it's made with feces). Yes, it was the SECOND Thanksgiving, when the former Mayflower inhabitants told the story for the FIRST time, of the First Thanksgiving. So you see, really, it's the Second one that counts. That is why tomorrow, all across this nation of overeating racist hate-mongers, we come together, put aside some of our differences, and gorge ourselves on saturated fats and sweets. It's the SECOND one. Not the first. Fuck the first one. That shit sucked.

Think about it. The second time you cook a dish you've never cooked before, it's ALWAYS easier. The second time you drive to a new place, it's ALWAYS more familiar. So it stands to perfect reason that the second Thanx was the money Thanx.

Ok, I'm going to go gorge myself on Grandma's apple pie, various legs of various animals, and probably some sort of bread/onion/oil based concoction. Cluck Cluck, fuckers.

How to be Obselete in (online) Business

Ok. This isn't even challenging anymore. Before I get started, make sure you're caught up on just how much I hate Blockbuster Video. Here is my previous post with links to the 3 original sins of Blockbuster, and my assailing of them and their at the time latest travesty. Here is the most recent Gurftastic post on the subject. Please verse yourself in this material. It will be important for you to understand the scope of stupidity with which we are dealing. Go ahead. I'll wait...

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Great. Now that we're all caught up, let's dive right in.

For those of you who live in a barn, there's something called the internet. Somehow, using this series of tubes, people can watch videos. I'm not sure how. I think it uses transistors and vaccuum tubes.

So Netflix teamed up with Microsoft this week to begin offering FREE streaming of their 12000 "watch instantly" movie catalogue to Xbox Live subscribers. They've also teamed with people owning a Tivo to allow them the same service. They've also teamed with a company called Roku to offer a $99 set-top box that will allow you to get in on the sweet sweet action. This is of course, in addition to their already free to use streaming to personal computers, now mac compatible. So just to recap, for as little as 5 bucks a month, users will be able to not only rent ANY of their seemingly limitless catalogue of movies, but can stream in VARIOUS formats, any of their growing collection of "watch instantly" movies. Seems like a pretty good deal.

So Blockbuster, in a stunning move (and here I say stunning, because, if you'd actually done your reading homework, you'd have come across how their normal turn around time is in the YEARS, not weeks), has launched a plan of it's own. Enter 2wire, and the 2wire Mediapoint™ digital media player. Essentially a set-top box for $99, it comes with 25 free movie downloads. This will stream movies to your TV, from Blockbuster's collection of Movies ONDEMAND. Now, once you're over your 25 initial free downloads, you revert to their pricing scheme of what looks like $1.99 for older titles, and higher for newer titles. Oh, and you have 30 days from the date of "rental" to play the movie. Oh, and once you play it, it expires in 24 hours. Oh, and someone from Blockbuster will come to your house to sodomize your cat. Yeah. So just to recap, you buy a box that isn't as expensive as it seems, but not quite free, because it comes with 25 downloads. Then you are given Blockbuster's shitty new release catalogue, and very few older and indie films to choose from. And then you have restrictions to your rentals. And only 24 hours to watch once you start. And a sodomized cat.

Let me just say this, FUCK YOU, Lackluster. You suck so much, it's like not even fun anymore to make fun of you. Have you ever thought about what consumers WANT? NO. Why is everything you do just a shittier version of something someone else does? Why are you the Red Robin to Netflix's non-chain brand family eating establishment (Uncle Mo's Family Feedbag, anyone?)? Where in your infantile little brain did it seem like THIS master plan was a good fucking idea? Do people actually still go to your stores? I think I'm going to start protesting your stores. Because they're a bad idea. And they suck. True, Netflix doesn't have their ENTIRE catalogue in streamable mode yet. But like, I watched No Country for Old Men two nites ago streamed to the Xbox. It was fucking awesome. And like, uhhh, A) I didn't "pay" for it, B) it's still there for me to watch again, C) it's not going to explode and run back to the internets whence it came. Basically the only flaw I can see in Netflix's approach is the Roku box, which seems to make a lot of sense, but not offer any incentives (like an unsodomized cat). Maybe they'll work out a three months free of Netflix or some such. Anyways, all I know is, I'm pretty sure Blockbuster Movies On Demand sucks on cable, so why wouldn't it suck worse on the internet? Do I REALLY need to see Legally Blonde II right NOW??????

FUCK YOU Blockbuster! Eat my shit. Choke. Choke on my shit. Choke on my shit and shit yourself. And then have to go to a meeting. And smell like my shit and your shit. Fuck you.

Awesome Awesomeness

Victor Borge is a class act:


I think you'll agree that for making it up on the spot, that's like one of the best Czardas's you've ever heard... Also, I like music.

It's Official

People in NYC are crazy. This is an actual posting from Craiglist's MISSED CONNECTIONS. Now before I get started on just how ridiculous the postings are in general— "I sat next to you from JFK to LA, but didn't say hi. Anyways, thought you were really cute..."— let me just say this, most likely the person you saw once on a subway or whatever whom you thought was cute or nice or whatever, but never sac'd up to talk to, or in the case of chicks, vag-ed up, probably forgot about your existence completely. But everyone has dreams of nycdreamgirl.com or some such bullshit. Anyways, behold, from a posting entiteled, "Lincoln Tunnel... You let me merge in front of you"

You could be married for all I know. But, you were so sweet to let me merge in front of you today at the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel going towards New Jersey. I was headed to Home Depot, and you exited before I did. You were driving a black infinity (?) SUV. I was driving a black SUV too. Anyway, I thought you were cute. I'd love to buy you a cup of coffee to say thanks! =)

Just for the record, A) you are incredibly desperate, and I hate you. B) do you really think that someone allowing you to merge warrants a date? REALLY? Are you fucking for REAL? So like, if he shows up to the date, does that instantly qualify him for a handi in the bathroom? FUCK you.

One more thing

Thanks, America. On behalf of the entire world, whom you know I speak for, thank you for actually delivering into office someone who CAN (not WILL, but CAN, as in is laden with potential TO) bring our standing as a world LEADER back. He's smart, he's compassionate, he's well spoken, he's well-read, he's easy to like, and oh yeah, he's a halfie... And he's pretty much the best thing that's happened to this country in a long fucking time.

Fleeting Thoughts

Ok, let's say you live in a doorman building. So already, the guy who lets you in your place knows all your business... Now lets say you're trying to get some nookie on the side... Your doorman REALLY knows your business now... Are you gonna have to like, give em hush money to keep yourself out of trouble? These are the things that worry me. That, and the random things that broke off from my spine and are now floating around my back...

Most...Epic...Cockblock...EVER

Brian Williams... JESUS CHRIST... On one of the most historic days this country has ever seen, NBC's Brian Williams lays down what could be the most Epic CockBlock in the HISTORY OF MANKIND. The little brunette girl sitting to the reporter's Right (stage left) was digging on the kid all night long. Fast forward to minute, I dunno, 2:15... it's amazing...

Word

I asked Mead tonight, "Does this mean we're no longer a racist country?" He said, "No, not at all..."

And he's probably all too right. But still... kinda nice to think that maybe some progress has been made.

And boy, won't it be nice to have a President who can actually form a coherent sentence?

Do they have Arugula in DC?