How to be Obselete in (online) Business

Ok. This isn't even challenging anymore. Before I get started, make sure you're caught up on just how much I hate Blockbuster Video. Here is my previous post with links to the 3 original sins of Blockbuster, and my assailing of them and their at the time latest travesty. Here is the most recent Gurftastic post on the subject. Please verse yourself in this material. It will be important for you to understand the scope of stupidity with which we are dealing. Go ahead. I'll wait...

...

...

...

Great. Now that we're all caught up, let's dive right in.

For those of you who live in a barn, there's something called the internet. Somehow, using this series of tubes, people can watch videos. I'm not sure how. I think it uses transistors and vaccuum tubes.

So Netflix teamed up with Microsoft this week to begin offering FREE streaming of their 12000 "watch instantly" movie catalogue to Xbox Live subscribers. They've also teamed with people owning a Tivo to allow them the same service. They've also teamed with a company called Roku to offer a $99 set-top box that will allow you to get in on the sweet sweet action. This is of course, in addition to their already free to use streaming to personal computers, now mac compatible. So just to recap, for as little as 5 bucks a month, users will be able to not only rent ANY of their seemingly limitless catalogue of movies, but can stream in VARIOUS formats, any of their growing collection of "watch instantly" movies. Seems like a pretty good deal.

So Blockbuster, in a stunning move (and here I say stunning, because, if you'd actually done your reading homework, you'd have come across how their normal turn around time is in the YEARS, not weeks), has launched a plan of it's own. Enter 2wire, and the 2wire Mediapoint™ digital media player. Essentially a set-top box for $99, it comes with 25 free movie downloads. This will stream movies to your TV, from Blockbuster's collection of Movies ONDEMAND. Now, once you're over your 25 initial free downloads, you revert to their pricing scheme of what looks like $1.99 for older titles, and higher for newer titles. Oh, and you have 30 days from the date of "rental" to play the movie. Oh, and once you play it, it expires in 24 hours. Oh, and someone from Blockbuster will come to your house to sodomize your cat. Yeah. So just to recap, you buy a box that isn't as expensive as it seems, but not quite free, because it comes with 25 downloads. Then you are given Blockbuster's shitty new release catalogue, and very few older and indie films to choose from. And then you have restrictions to your rentals. And only 24 hours to watch once you start. And a sodomized cat.

Let me just say this, FUCK YOU, Lackluster. You suck so much, it's like not even fun anymore to make fun of you. Have you ever thought about what consumers WANT? NO. Why is everything you do just a shittier version of something someone else does? Why are you the Red Robin to Netflix's non-chain brand family eating establishment (Uncle Mo's Family Feedbag, anyone?)? Where in your infantile little brain did it seem like THIS master plan was a good fucking idea? Do people actually still go to your stores? I think I'm going to start protesting your stores. Because they're a bad idea. And they suck. True, Netflix doesn't have their ENTIRE catalogue in streamable mode yet. But like, I watched No Country for Old Men two nites ago streamed to the Xbox. It was fucking awesome. And like, uhhh, A) I didn't "pay" for it, B) it's still there for me to watch again, C) it's not going to explode and run back to the internets whence it came. Basically the only flaw I can see in Netflix's approach is the Roku box, which seems to make a lot of sense, but not offer any incentives (like an unsodomized cat). Maybe they'll work out a three months free of Netflix or some such. Anyways, all I know is, I'm pretty sure Blockbuster Movies On Demand sucks on cable, so why wouldn't it suck worse on the internet? Do I REALLY need to see Legally Blonde II right NOW??????

FUCK YOU Blockbuster! Eat my shit. Choke. Choke on my shit. Choke on my shit and shit yourself. And then have to go to a meeting. And smell like my shit and your shit. Fuck you.