Why White Chicks Like 'Friends'

Why? The simple answer should be painfully obvious to any avid reader of the Gurftastic Blog: Women have smaller brains, and are therefore "limited" in their ability to separate "shit" from "must-see-tv". But that's just the silly answer. Let's dig deeper.

Why do white chicks like Friends? Well for starters, it lets them feel in a non-threatening way that it is perfectly acceptable to fail miserably at countless relationships and be over 30 and un-married. Now I'm not saying it ISN'T acceptable, I'm just saying that women of a certain age feel a lot of pressure to lock down a husband and start crapping out spawn. This phenomenon is known as adolescence. And ever since that time, women feel this need to hang onto their man. Friends shows them that even if they don't, they can always marry that sweet, cute, kinda dorky guy who lives across the hall. It also reinforces the myth (which the Gurftastic blog had thoroughly de-bunked) that Exs can remain friends after a breakup. This of course is known as "delusional fantasy". It even postulates that people can date within a small group of friends and everyone will be cool and totally not weirded out by it. Yeah.

Let's examine the characters a bit: there are three girls and three guys. Ladies first, please: There's the hot, rich, daddy's girl, who's all grown up and having "big girl's life in the big city". Every girl identifies with this character a little, because either A) they are rich and spoiled by their father but desperately trying to prove they don't need him, or B) their father treated them like shit and they desperately wish to be this character. Next up is the "whacky" girl. She's a little off-kilter, but really fun once you get to know her. She's one-part Massachusetts liberal (reads Mother Jones), one part every girl in NYC who wants to "let loose" one night and gets trashed and a little loose-lipped with her friends. Every girl identifies with her, because they either feel strongly that they are this independent, free-thinking, hippie-culture-even-though-

you're-clearly-not-a-hippie chick, or they despise that chick, and try desperately not to be her. Lastly is the obsessive-compulsive control-freak who used to be fat. Do I really need to explain why every girl identifies with her?

Let's look at the boys, shall we? First is stereotypical vapid actor dude. He's basically an idiot, but is good-looking, and although he sleeps with a different girl every week, he's got a heart of gold (funny side note, while typing "heart of gold" on my iPhone, it translated my missed keystrokes into "wart of gold". Pretty brilliant). Every girl has fucked or wanted to fuck this guy. Consciously knowing he's a total player, but thinking that deep down he's really special and it will just take the right girl to bring it out of him. Next up, the safe dude. He's a doctor (of anthropology for some reason), is pretty nerdy and awkward, and a big sweatheart. He's just no good at relationships. AWWWWW! Every girl knows that this guy is good marriage material, but nobody really finds him attractive till they're old and be-haggard. Lastly, the funny guy! Always ready to break an awkward moment with a semi-witty comment, the funny guy is a total douche, but he's got a heart of gold. He's just got intimacy issues... Yeah!!!!

So there are your six 'Friends'. Obviously there's an attraction to the characters. But it's the inter-character development that really makes white chicks cream in their Victoria Secrets. The key thing with Friends is, all of the girls are friends. Like, there's never really a time when Monica stops talking to Rachel for a season because Rachel dicked over her brother. At no point does Phoebe fall into a depression and hang out by herself, or hang with a different clique of people. No, these three girls actually have an impossibly romanticized version of friendship, perhaps worse than the equivalent Romance/Comedy version of falling in love. On the show, none of the girls ever does any backstabbing against the other. There is no sleeping with her best friend's boyfriend because she forgot to do the dishes. There is no "she's better friends with her than with me, but I knew her first!". There is no competition for the boy's attention. No there's no "she's my good friend, but I'd never let her around one of my boyfriends, cause she would steal him". None of it. Instead, these girls live in impossibly large apartments in Manhattan, love each other genuinely, and whore themselves out to any guy who smiles at them at their local coffee shop. It's every white chicks' fucking dream come true. Because when it comes down to it, every white chick kinda hates her friends, because they are all competition to her on some level. But that's a topic for another diatribe. Where Sex and the City glamorized "big girls' nite out" and girls openly talking about sex and sexuality, Friends glamorized non-snipey friendship... Friends for friends-sake.

So now we have the dating circle. This is the 90210 phenomenon where people date within a select set of characters and nobody seems to really mind. This plays into the whole Exs as friends fallacy, as well as the impossible ideal that a girl can date her best friends ex, and it will totally be cool with everyone. It's a lie that white chicks love to play along with. They can date around and around the loop and there's no consequences. No weirdness, except for probably one episode where about 2 minutes is dedicated to, "Isn't it weird?" "Well, it was, but then... now it's not" "Awesome".

So that only leaves one more thing. Friends helps to alleviate every white chick's deep seeded fear that she will somehow, someday, someway be replaced by a tiny Asian girl. I think there may have been a time where one of the guys dated an asian chick, but I'm assuming it didn't work out. Pretty much at every other time in the show, the girl characters are always the centers of attention from all the guys. This helps to allay that nagging thought that pervades a white chick's consciousness... It could happen at ANY moment. It wouldn't take too much... one wrong move and BAM! Tiny Asian chick. But here in the land of Friends, there's no chance of that ever happening. On the show, none of the dudes are ever leering at the tiny Asian chicks roaming the city of New York. And none of the guys ever sit around talking about how they'd love to date an Asian chick for a while. Yeah, it's a fucking white girl wet dream.

So why DO white chicks like 'Friends'? It's obviously a complicated question. But I guess it's the same reason guys in rural areas fuck farm animals instead of real women: Real life is a lot suckier than outrageous fantasy life. And with the Friends, at least there's no chance they're gong to shit on you (Schwimmer not included). So yeah, I understand a little WHY you chicks like Friends so much. I mean, I don't REALLY, but I kinda get it.

Ouch.

So I was kinda in a rush this morning. Wanted to get to my school a little early to help set up for the holiday concert. Ya know, trying to be responsible and all. Anyways, wouldn't ya know, the subway was fucked up. Yeah, ya know, the same subway that is going to raise their rates and give me less service. Apparently there was "debris" on the 50th street track on the express line. So the 2, 3 was running local. Except that the train was stopped. On the Express track. Just hanging out. Yeah. And no 1 trains were coming. Nor did they. For almost half an hour. Yeah. So, being in a bind, I got out and hopped in a cab. Well not exactly. First I waited 8 minutes for a cab. Then I hopped in one. Then he inexplicably took a wrong turn. Yeah. But it was still fine. I would probably still make it to my school with plenty of time.

Then we got caught in some morning rush-traffic on the East side. And my cabbie thought he could pull some sort of shennanigans. Which I believe is when he started bobbing and weaving through traffic. At which point some Lexus dude plowed right into our cab. Yeah. I was fine, cabbie was fine, dude was fine. Cars were fucked. But I didn't like really have time to wait around and fill out a police report or anything. And I was in a horrible rush now, because it was dawning on me that the longer I sat there in said crashed cab, the less chance I had at making my kids' concert. So I waited another couple minutes for a new cab, after PAYING for my ride, and INEXPLICABLY tipping (out of habit? cause I felt bad he got hit by someone? Dunno).

Long story short, showed up just in time, kids kicked ass, all is fine. But A) Fuck the MTA. B) Fucking watch where you are going. Get off your goddamn cellphone.

No Fucking Shit

This just in, I'm right. Again. For years I've been railing against Romantic Comedies, as they basically ruin womens' expectations of relationships. The sappy, stupid shit that chicks eat up somehow fucks with their brains. Which is why when asked by a girl to watch some such drivel, I say that I'd rather have a red-hot poker made out of my own calcified feces shoved through my rectum and pierce my heart. Too tired to expound anymore... read the article. Then look at this... it'll make you stupider.

Respect Yourself, Fool!

Ummm quick shout out. You have a facebook/myspace/"friendster?"/other social networking page, right? And on it you have a pic of yourself right? And maybe you're in a relationship with someone. Don't, and I'm going to repeat myself and de-conjugate, do NOT have your profile picture be a really super cute pic of the two of you doing love-bird things. That's inane. And really grinds my gears. Are you trying to express to the world that you actually aren't a complete person, and that this other entity completes you? Are you trying to say that you are defined by other people, and this other person therefore solidifies your place in a social hierarchy of which you long to be a part of? Do you HONESTLY think that it's cute? These pics make me want to vomit into my own anus, then shit out the rectal/stomach fluid, and wash my eyes in it. I don't care how fucking hot your girlfriend is, the fact that you choose to define yourself by taking a snapshot of the two of you belies how fucking desperate and insignificant your life was before you met that person. That's fucking sad. And sorry to say it, but you two are probably going to break up. Because people who can't be ok with themselves alone tend not to be very happy on the inside. And then before you know it, BAM, she fucked some other dude who seemed like a really nice guy... So chiggidity check yourself. Also, Firefox knows the word "chiggidity" but not the word "facebook". What's that all about?

Ok

So apparently, SOME of my loyal readers (that would be the Matt, Kate and Kelli Triumvirate) could understand my (still) drunken motivation for my latest blog below. You know, the one where the OBVIOUSLY fake article about how bj's lead to less breast cancer, and how everyone should blow dudes more often... The one that is a CNN.com/Health article, except that it's hosted at http://www.tatom.org/documents/CNN.com-StudyNewstudyshows.htm Ya know. Cause CNN.com ran out of space. The one that is purportedly from the AP, even though it has no author. And none of the search boxes work. And the writing is in the style of a freshman frat pledge trying to convince a drunk girl to blow him.

Let me first start by saying, perhaps, "This on should speak for itself" as a title was a little misleading. I thought ya'all could smell a turd. So I didn't think I needed to launch into a diatribe. And also, I guess my comment about moving to North Carolina was a little misleading. But shit, I was really hungover, so my brain didn't work so good.

Still don't believe me? Let me dissect this for you. Here's the lead paragraph:

Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

First of all, as far as sentece structure goes, "Doctors had never suspected a link...important link between the two" in the same sentence is not only redundant, it's awkward. NO professional writer would ever structure a thought, let alone a sentence like that. Even this humble amatuer writer would never butcher a thought in such a base way.

Here's the second paragraph:

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio and swallowed the ejaculatory fluid, over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurrence of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.

"In a study of over 15,00o women 'suspected' of having performed..." The author claims that the study saught 15,000 potential Blow Job Bettys, but then somehow mid-sentece reverses course and says, "had a lower occurence... than those who had not". The not, I'm assuming would've been the control group. Oh wait, this junior high school writer has never actually read an article about a scientific study.

Let's skip the part where it actually said, "The study is reported in Friday's Journal of Medical Research." because that journal changed it's name to the American Journal of Pathology... in 1925.

Forget the quote by Dr. AJ Kramer of Johns Hopkins, since a simple google search only returns hits about the stupid article that I am here lambasting.

I'm not even going to talk about the end of the article, which is so inane, it makes me want to puke. But how about this:

Almost every woman is, at some point, going to perform the act of fellatio, but it is the frequency at which this event occurs that makes the difference, say researchers. Also key seems to be the protein and enzyme count in the semen, but researchers are again waiting for more test data.

REALLY? You read THIS and didn't think, "wait a second here..."

So yes Kelli, it IS total bullshit. It was funny, because I started thinking about all the drunk college age sluts that douchy frat boys show that page to, trying desperately not to look too gay. And it made me smile. And the fact that you got upset by it, also kinda makes me smile. And the fact that I'm only sober enough now to offer the commentary on it that you probably deserved upfront also makes me smile.

In summation, to the fucking rhesus monkey who flung his feces as far as the internet is wide, FUCK YOU... you've made the world dumber. And you upset poor Kelli.

This one Kinda Speaks for Itself

I think I'm going to move to North Carolina...

Earrings and the Social Caste System in America

I guess a better title would have been: Earrings as a Determining Factor on the Social Status of Females in Modern Day America. Not that earrings actually determine a women's social worth, but they can be used as a quick definer. Here's my theorem. PS, when I someday write my compendium of all things Gurftastic, this will be the part of the eleventh tome that is all super serial for some unknown reason.

The germination of my thesis comes from my observation of a particular type of earring. The "hoop", specifically the "large hoop" earring. This also doubles as an age definer. Girls, aged somewhere between 13-17.5 seem to think that large hoop earrings are really classy. Therefore, they buy them in droves. This can be useful information if you are running a focus group for teenagers, and need to accurately recruit, or if you're a dirty old man, and perving out on young women is one of your favorite past times. It's very useful to have some sort of guide to determine if a girl you are looking at merely LOOKS young, or is in fact 16.

Sometime around 17.5-18.5, these young ladies break off inot the real-world caste system. There are two paths. College, and not-college. College usually entails the subtle and systematic dwindling of the large hoop, in exchange for the dramatically expensive diamond that was a graduation present from Grandma. As the large hoop is weeded out, and the fancier is weeded IN, the girls now turn to other methods to solidify their place in the social strata (sororities, pillow fights, sleeping with each other's boyfriends).

Not-college employs similar social strategies, minus the obvious sorority category. However, there is a distINCT difference. Not-college has an over-abundance of HOOP earrings. In fact, and I don't really mean to over-generalize, but I'm going to anyways, because that's what I do, I would venture to say, based on my life-long field study, that the adult female: hoop earring ratio is inversely proportional to the adult female: higher education ratio. Also, Puertorican chicks love hoops. Not really sure why.

Look for it in your daily travels. Pick a random assortment of people out from a crowd. There will be the mid-20's girls, trying desperately to climb to a higher level of the strata. They will be wearing some sort of earrings that are either "dangly" or slightly too fancy/classy for the outfit they are wearing. These earrings are a gift from some parent or grandparent, or friend of the family, who really hopes that these young women fulfill their potential (by marrying rich). There will be the 40+ women, whose earrings match perfectly their wardrobe that their personal stylist picked out (maybe that's more of a Madison Ave NYC thing). Then there's the HOOPS. Everywhere. Take a moment to notice the hoops. And ask yourself what social rung those hoop owners belong to. Take a deep breath. Realize that I'm right. About everything. Again.

Now the question. Can a women raise her social status by changing her earring type?

Also, this originally started out as a blog about how to tell if the hot girl on the crosstown bus is too young or not, but turned into some 1/4 baked diatribe on something pretty inane. So I'm sorry. Maybe the "Warning Signs for Pervs" blog woulda been funnier. Hard to know really.

In other news, I'm pretty sure Physical Therapy is a scam. It's like going to a salon. Wait for it. When you go get a haircut at a barber shop, they cut your hair. And maybe tell you to put some gel in it. When you get your hair cut at a salon, they make sure to tell you the brand of shampoo they're using to wash your hair. They parade around a bunch of "product" (not products), and tell you to buy their (over-priced) brand.

Well, if you ever have the pleasure of PT, you'll find something oddly similar. You go, and get some exercises to fix whatever ailment you may be having. Sometimes there's treatment with heat, or ice, or ultra-sound. And then invariably, one of the useless contraptions that they have you use, be it the ubiquitous ball-on-a-stick, or the giant swatches of rubber, or a piece of nylon with hand holds cut into it, are offered to you for purchase. And they just so happen to have them in stock. LUCKY YOU! Not that I resent the treatment or anything, but the scam leaves me with a bad taste. Always does. Like delivery confirmation. Fuck delivery confirmation.

And I'm out.

The Bailout

The Bailout, as seen through the eyes of Calvin and Hobbes.

Yeah, THAT makes sense

So critics have begun to complain that Obama's cabinet picks lack diversity, because they are almost exclusively all well educated and intelligent. And this is a problem WHY?

Fuck you America. Do you really think that you'd rather be governed by DUMB people like you? You can't even balance your checkbook.

How to Absolutely Suck at Business

Blockbuster just won't quit. I mean, someone over there REALLY thinks that they aren't a doomed business. So, it seems Blockbuster decided to try out this internet thingy all the kids are raving about. They've teamed with Microsoft (remember them? They're the folks that thought re-branding "hotmail" as, "Windows Live Hotmail" would stave off the mass exodus to Gmail.) to bring you... well, it seems like they're not really sure WHAT they want to bring you. According to this very PRO-Blockbuster (it's a Dallas-based company) by the Dallas Morning News, Blockbuster is going to use Microsoft's LiveMesh technology... for... some...thing...cool...in the future...maybe. It seems like the technology is similar to Apple's deal, where you can rent a movie on iTunes, and play it on your AppleTV, iPhone, iPod, computer, etc, and it work seemlessly. But even the main article just postulates a few things Blockbuster might do with a similar technology, and it seems like the Chief Information Officer of the company doesn't even really know what they want to do with it. Surprise, surprise.

Dear, dear Blockbuster, when will you learn? You can't just throw buzzwords around your substandard product and expect people to lap it up. When it comes down to it, you're still the same shitty service, with more ways to get it. You suck, you're done. How about this for a new business model... And this is a freebie... you won't even have me suing you when you use it...

Blockbuster re-announces the END OF LATE FEES. Starting today, rent any title from our online catalogue for $.99. What's the catch? None. Blockbuster has committed itself to stockpiling thousands of great older, indie, and foreign film titles, in addition to it's wonderful and sumptuous collection of straight to DVD releases by Queen Latifa. Now enjoy any title for 99 cents, and keep it as long as you want. But they'll never do that. They suck. They won't be able to transition from brick-and-mortar to online focused. So they'll take their failed business model, and they'll use it until it officially bankrupts the company. Fuck YOU Blockbuster. You guys really suck. Twice this week. TWICE!