Ok

So apparently, SOME of my loyal readers (that would be the Matt, Kate and Kelli Triumvirate) could understand my (still) drunken motivation for my latest blog below. You know, the one where the OBVIOUSLY fake article about how bj's lead to less breast cancer, and how everyone should blow dudes more often... The one that is a CNN.com/Health article, except that it's hosted at http://www.tatom.org/documents/CNN.com-StudyNewstudyshows.htm Ya know. Cause CNN.com ran out of space. The one that is purportedly from the AP, even though it has no author. And none of the search boxes work. And the writing is in the style of a freshman frat pledge trying to convince a drunk girl to blow him.

Let me first start by saying, perhaps, "This on should speak for itself" as a title was a little misleading. I thought ya'all could smell a turd. So I didn't think I needed to launch into a diatribe. And also, I guess my comment about moving to North Carolina was a little misleading. But shit, I was really hungover, so my brain didn't work so good.

Still don't believe me? Let me dissect this for you. Here's the lead paragraph:

Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

First of all, as far as sentece structure goes, "Doctors had never suspected a link...important link between the two" in the same sentence is not only redundant, it's awkward. NO professional writer would ever structure a thought, let alone a sentence like that. Even this humble amatuer writer would never butcher a thought in such a base way.

Here's the second paragraph:

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio and swallowed the ejaculatory fluid, over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurrence of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.

"In a study of over 15,00o women 'suspected' of having performed..." The author claims that the study saught 15,000 potential Blow Job Bettys, but then somehow mid-sentece reverses course and says, "had a lower occurence... than those who had not". The not, I'm assuming would've been the control group. Oh wait, this junior high school writer has never actually read an article about a scientific study.

Let's skip the part where it actually said, "The study is reported in Friday's Journal of Medical Research." because that journal changed it's name to the American Journal of Pathology... in 1925.

Forget the quote by Dr. AJ Kramer of Johns Hopkins, since a simple google search only returns hits about the stupid article that I am here lambasting.

I'm not even going to talk about the end of the article, which is so inane, it makes me want to puke. But how about this:

Almost every woman is, at some point, going to perform the act of fellatio, but it is the frequency at which this event occurs that makes the difference, say researchers. Also key seems to be the protein and enzyme count in the semen, but researchers are again waiting for more test data.

REALLY? You read THIS and didn't think, "wait a second here..."

So yes Kelli, it IS total bullshit. It was funny, because I started thinking about all the drunk college age sluts that douchy frat boys show that page to, trying desperately not to look too gay. And it made me smile. And the fact that you got upset by it, also kinda makes me smile. And the fact that I'm only sober enough now to offer the commentary on it that you probably deserved upfront also makes me smile.

In summation, to the fucking rhesus monkey who flung his feces as far as the internet is wide, FUCK YOU... you've made the world dumber. And you upset poor Kelli.