Earrings and the Social Caste System in America

I guess a better title would have been: Earrings as a Determining Factor on the Social Status of Females in Modern Day America. Not that earrings actually determine a women's social worth, but they can be used as a quick definer. Here's my theorem. PS, when I someday write my compendium of all things Gurftastic, this will be the part of the eleventh tome that is all super serial for some unknown reason.

The germination of my thesis comes from my observation of a particular type of earring. The "hoop", specifically the "large hoop" earring. This also doubles as an age definer. Girls, aged somewhere between 13-17.5 seem to think that large hoop earrings are really classy. Therefore, they buy them in droves. This can be useful information if you are running a focus group for teenagers, and need to accurately recruit, or if you're a dirty old man, and perving out on young women is one of your favorite past times. It's very useful to have some sort of guide to determine if a girl you are looking at merely LOOKS young, or is in fact 16.

Sometime around 17.5-18.5, these young ladies break off inot the real-world caste system. There are two paths. College, and not-college. College usually entails the subtle and systematic dwindling of the large hoop, in exchange for the dramatically expensive diamond that was a graduation present from Grandma. As the large hoop is weeded out, and the fancier is weeded IN, the girls now turn to other methods to solidify their place in the social strata (sororities, pillow fights, sleeping with each other's boyfriends).

Not-college employs similar social strategies, minus the obvious sorority category. However, there is a distINCT difference. Not-college has an over-abundance of HOOP earrings. In fact, and I don't really mean to over-generalize, but I'm going to anyways, because that's what I do, I would venture to say, based on my life-long field study, that the adult female: hoop earring ratio is inversely proportional to the adult female: higher education ratio. Also, Puertorican chicks love hoops. Not really sure why.

Look for it in your daily travels. Pick a random assortment of people out from a crowd. There will be the mid-20's girls, trying desperately to climb to a higher level of the strata. They will be wearing some sort of earrings that are either "dangly" or slightly too fancy/classy for the outfit they are wearing. These earrings are a gift from some parent or grandparent, or friend of the family, who really hopes that these young women fulfill their potential (by marrying rich). There will be the 40+ women, whose earrings match perfectly their wardrobe that their personal stylist picked out (maybe that's more of a Madison Ave NYC thing). Then there's the HOOPS. Everywhere. Take a moment to notice the hoops. And ask yourself what social rung those hoop owners belong to. Take a deep breath. Realize that I'm right. About everything. Again.

Now the question. Can a women raise her social status by changing her earring type?

Also, this originally started out as a blog about how to tell if the hot girl on the crosstown bus is too young or not, but turned into some 1/4 baked diatribe on something pretty inane. So I'm sorry. Maybe the "Warning Signs for Pervs" blog woulda been funnier. Hard to know really.

In other news, I'm pretty sure Physical Therapy is a scam. It's like going to a salon. Wait for it. When you go get a haircut at a barber shop, they cut your hair. And maybe tell you to put some gel in it. When you get your hair cut at a salon, they make sure to tell you the brand of shampoo they're using to wash your hair. They parade around a bunch of "product" (not products), and tell you to buy their (over-priced) brand.

Well, if you ever have the pleasure of PT, you'll find something oddly similar. You go, and get some exercises to fix whatever ailment you may be having. Sometimes there's treatment with heat, or ice, or ultra-sound. And then invariably, one of the useless contraptions that they have you use, be it the ubiquitous ball-on-a-stick, or the giant swatches of rubber, or a piece of nylon with hand holds cut into it, are offered to you for purchase. And they just so happen to have them in stock. LUCKY YOU! Not that I resent the treatment or anything, but the scam leaves me with a bad taste. Always does. Like delivery confirmation. Fuck delivery confirmation.

And I'm out.