They're made of meat

No, seriously... They're Made Out of Meat.

In other news, Obama's speech is still rippling through America. Fox News tried to hate on it, choosing to focus on the words "My grandmother... is a typical white woman" in trying to show that Obama is racist. But even their own anchors called bullshit on that one... (I know it's a vid, sorry couldn't find the embed code) Did I mention that he WROTE that speech himself? Like sans speech writers. Why? Because it was probably the most defining moment of his career, and he actually had something powerful and eloquent to say. He had 35 minutes worth of powerful eloquence, and didn't need someone else to write his thoughts on something that he has obviously thought a great deal about.

I kinda love Obama. Not gonna lie. And I think the establishment sees his galvanizing nature, and is scared. He's the future, and they're the past. I mean, I'm sure they'll find a way to corrupt him and all that, because, let's face it, the system is broken, but at least for now they are just scared...

So Right

I'm in love with Barack Obama. Not like sexual love. More like an emotional connection. Like when you find someone who is exactly what you want in a leader. Kinda exactly like that. There's this thing where people try to parse his rhetoric as empty promises. Listen to the speech he made yesterday. Honestly tell me that this is just bullshit rhetoric. No this is a black man in America speaking about the state of race relations in America. He is candid. He is clear and concise. And he's fucking brilliant. There's a lot of "he's like a rockstar" and "there's nothing substantive" about him. Really? That's a load of shit. I don't like him because of his singing voice. Or because girls throw their panties at him. Or because he doesn't stand for anything. Look at his fucking website. He lays out his stance on just about every issue that's ever been an issue. The "rockstar" dig comes from the Clinton/McCain camp (way to lump 'em together, Gurf) where the old people can't understand why young people identify with such a rousing leader, and justify their inability as simply a bi-product of his "popularity" contest. He doesn't have any experience in the White House. Well, I mean, Hillary knows where the all the rooms are. That's true. So I guess in a way, she'll be more ready on day one, because she won't have to take the whole tour over again. Damn. Is that what she meant all this time?

In other news, phase two of my "Adventures in Vagranting" begins. No word yet on if Elizabeth Shue has signed on to play the part of "hot babysitter who I always wanted to bone". I'll keep you posted. Get it... man that was terrible.

Hillary was right

Well actually Geraldine Ferraro was right. When she said that Obama
wouldn't be where he is today if he wasn't a black man, she was a
thousand percent (that's a lot) correct. If he wasn't black he'd be
crushing the Clinton campaign. He would've already locked up the
nomination. He wouldn't face the perception in hick-land or the
heartland that he's Muskim and wants to be sworn in on the Koran.

I love the recent push from the "moral right" saying that if Obama
were president, the Muslims would hate us more because he's somehow an
apostate. Ummm yeah.

I also love how the worst thing a politician could be is a Muslim, as
though the millions of Muslims in the US are all secretly plotting our
deaths.

I Love Living in the Future (the picture)

I Love Living in the Future

To borrow a phrase from my good buddy, Matt. But it's true. The future
is amazing. This morning, my cellphone alarm woke me up, and alerted
me that I had new email. And then I read the sports section. Of the LA
TIMES. In Texas. On my phone! The information age is truly
astounding. The plethora of news and entertainment that is constantly
at my fingertips is truly something to behold.

So in honor of how much I love being able to use iPhone again, and in
honor of the internets, I will recount a little tale about the first
time I experienced the www.

I think it was eighth grade. Al Gore had just finished inventing the
internets with his magical soy powered brain. I went to my friend
David's house. David had a 9600 baud modem (which was like about a ka-
gillion times faster than the 1200 baud dealy we had at home). Now my
dad had something called Prodigy, which did email I think, but the
whole thing was text based and I don't really remember it doing much
of anything except taking a while. Seth and I had been on BBS boards
(dragonsbane, fool!!!) before and Prodigy seemed kinda like the non-
porn version or something.

But I digress. David turned on his computer and opened a program
called Netscape Navigator. Now if you live in the future like me, you
may not remember Netscape, seeing as how AOL in February decided to
end all support for the company they purchased in 1998. And speaking
of outdated technology, who the FUCK still uses aol? I mean I know
that there was some chick I met once (I think at aspen) who's dad was
like the CFO or something, but I'm pretty sure even she knew Aol
sucked ass. That's the problem with old people and technology... Like
they don't understand when something starts sucking and they need to
do something else. I mean I've seen my first trumpet teacher go on
his new--ish MacBook, and proceed to LOG-ON to the fucking AOL brand
web experience presented by Pepsi. It is truly horrifying. Stop that
shit folks!!!

But I seem to have gotten sidetracked. So David and I open this
mysterious program and he proceeds to load the homepage of some
website. I don't really remember what it was. This precipitated a
lengthy q and a session where I tried to figure out exactly what he
was showing me. Eventually I kinda got it, and then he moved on and
showed me porn. Yep, even in 1994 the intertrons were teeming with
boobies.

But even at that young age, I was struck by how seemingly limitless
the possibilities (for porn) were in this strange new medium. And here
I sit, at an airport in Atlanta, telling you about it... From my phone!

THUS IT BEGINS

WE ARE SO FUCKED...

THIS JUST IN

Hillary doesn't have foreign policy experience. I mean, I know being the WIFE of someone in power means you MEET a lot of dignitaries. And she did TRAVEL places. But she was NOT in power. She was not an elected official. And as a senator, being on the Armed Services Committee hardly qualifies as foreign policy experience. My feeling is that in this America in which I'm about to live again, if you say something enough, people believe it. So while Clinton has very little if any foreign policy experience (which I think MOST President's don't have going in, but all somehow claim to have), the fact that she claims to have a ton, and repeats that Obama has none, makes it seem like this is actually true. The truth however, is that the entire field has very little, McCain is right there with em.

I hate politics.

I watched this the other day. Pretty disturbing. Some of it is very sensationalist. Some is thought provoking. Some I just don't understand. But frankly, I hate what it says. Because after watching it, I hate people. People fuck up everything.

I almost forgot

I just got out of the shower, and now I'm blogging. If that doesn't scream "I'm dedicated to divulging the inanity of my inner-most thoughts" I don't know what does. If that conjures an image to you of a hairy, pasty Jew, running out in a towel to get to his laptop to share something with the world... you're almost right. I'm wearing boxers.

No I didn't run, but I did remember that there's a few things I totally forgot about Mexico. As I get ready to leave, here's few things I forgot to mention before:

Watching the Simpsons in Spanish is kinda sweet, but kinda a trip. Anytime they sing, it's in English, other than that, it's Spanish, with totally weird voices that really make me laugh, but in a weird way. It's still pretty funny, but a lot of the inside jokes get mis-translated. And they have no idea what to do with made-up words, like "avoision".

On my flight here I had a unique experience. First off, if you'll recall, I was still bloody from my spontaneous bleeding orgy in the Rochester Airport. On my flight from NYC to Mexico City, they served free alcohol. Now it IS an international flight, so I guess I shouldn't be that shocked. But it was free beer, and free medium shelf booze... Jack Daniels, a decent tequila I'd never heard of, etc. I was in love. And then they served an honest to goodness MEAL. Like Old School plane food. Except that it was good! Yeah. And Peanuts. Like AIRLINE peanuts. Yeah.

But the kicker was on my connection from Mexico City to Culiacan. The flight is about 48 minutes. You barely get off the the ground before you start descending. In America, this is the type of flight where they take your drink orders, and bring you a little plastic cup of water, apple juice, coke or whatever, but since they're trying to save dough, they don't even give you the whole bottle/can. Here however, not only was it a free-for-all on drinks again, but they served the ubiquitous "snack box". In America, this is the airlines' version of a "fuck you" to the customers in coach. While the first class cabin is dinning on venison sausage in a red wine reduction with diamond encrusted pasta, the people in coach (if they're not asked to BUY a snack box) are given something that looks promising, but never is. Usually filled with some sort of cracker, possibly a cookie, and something resembling compacted boogers in a tin marked, "Gouda", this "snack" is more of an enticement for you to buy whatever it is they now sell instead of giving you a meal. Well on my little flight to Mexico, they gave me a snack box. What it contained was a turkey sandwich. On fresh sourdough bread. With lettuce, tomato, swiss cheese and dijon mustard (not those little fucking mustard packets, but like pre-mustarded for me!). And it was delicious. And the thing about it is, I can't understand how the airlines here stay in business. Their flights are....HAHAHA.... Maude Flanders just said, "Piensate a los niños".... HAHAHAHAHA... sorry, their flights are CHEAP (like 25 dollars) and yet they come with so much. I don't get it. Could it possibly be that these giant corporations are trying to screw over the consumer? No, definitely not. Give em a tax break already!

Ok, so that was sweet... but check THIS out. I bought 7 DVD's tonight. And it cost $30. Yeah. Woulda been cheaper, but the two volumes of Kill Bill were 7 bucks each. And no, they're not bootlegs. For some reason DVD's are SUPER cheap here. But DVD players, tv's, etc are SUPER expensive... go fig... No real gems to report like my last excursion (when I got Plan 9 from Outer Space!!!!!!!), although I DID pick up two Woody Allen flicks, Very Bad Things, Some movie where Charlize Theron takes her top off, and the Anna Kournikova Workout Video. The last one, not because I want to "exercise along with Anna" so much as I kinda just want to have it in my home as a sort of "WTF??" conversation starter.

By the way, why does Eugene Levy still make horrid sequels to American Pie? Is he under like a 9 picture deal with the studio or something? I just saw an ad for some like American Pie movie that looked more like a bad National Lampoon's: Frat Boys are somehow trying to get laid movie.

And lastly, I'm looking for new digs. If you know of anything, hit me up. I don't need much, just like 8 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms, with a view of Central Park, and a separate kitchen for the support staff (wouldn't want them cooking their food near mine). Basically, Otisburg.

What the Fuck is Otisburg, you ask? Then you suck. Here's two hints. A hard one and an easy one. Choose your illusion.

Hard: L: When I was six years old my father said to me...
T: "Get out."
L: Ha ha. Before that. He said, "Son, stocks may rise and fall, utilities and transportation systems may collapse. People are no damn good, but they will always need land and they'll pay through the nose to get it! Remember," my father said...
Together: LAND!

Easier: L: "Oh, Lord... You gave them eyes, yet they cannot see." Nor can [he], through *lead*.
T: He... can't... see... through... lead!

Still Stumped? Our childhoods were VERY different. Maybe you're normal...

Banda: The Sequel

They're BA-ACK! Yep! I hate my life.

Banda: The Scourge of All that is Good and Beautiful in Life

There's a "fiesta" house next door to where I'm living. It's a spot you can rent and throw parties. Friday there was a party that started at 3 pm and ended at 2 am. It usually consists of HORRIBLE Karaoke singing (mostly Spanish tunes, and for some reason, always "Achy Breaky Heart"). It's literally the next building over, and SOOOOOOOO LOUD. But today was different. Today, the party started at noon. Things to keep in mind: I got very drunk last night... again. And I was incredibly hung over this morning. So when noon rolled around, and all of a sudden I heard a brass section start "warming up" I realized how much my neighbors all these years must have hated me. For those of you who don't know what Banda music is...




That should give you an idea... you have to get through the cheesy intro. In any event, there's this incredibly large band with dancers and singers, out of tune clarinets, tubas, trOmbones (not tromBONES), trumpets, drums and other assorted things that make me want to gouge my ears out with my anus. I mean, one tune might be ok to listen to... but it's currently 10 pm. And they are going STRONG. Yeah. 10 straight hours. And not to mention the fact that it's been REALLY hot here today, but I couldn't like open a window because the stench of Banda would overflow the apartment and possibly kill me.

Banda music is very popular amoung the "Narco" crowd. These are the drug traffickers who are so prevalent in Culiacan. I've heard stories from trumpet players about being hired for a Narco party and playing for 6 hours, starting at 10pm, and the Narcos saying, "No, you have to keep playing". So they play until the wee wee hours of the morn. Yeah. And nobody can really tell them to shut up, seeing as how they have more weapons than the Army. Yeah. It's bad. And so right now I'd really like to somehow envelop my head within my own rectum and like, turn inside out or something. Anything really that would possibly make this STOP.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

In other news: I hate Banda music. And Raplh Nader has decided to try to screw up another election. I think someone should tell him that they country kinda still harbors some ill will for the whole 2000 election thing... Not that he probably doesn't have some good ideas. But he also, ya know, like takes votes away from people who might want votes. Like Democrats.

Smear ya Later

What's with all the Obama Smears lately? Have the corporate media machine, and the Clinton/McCain machines really been that scared by the senator? I mean, I'll admit, I wasn't 100% sold on the guy a few weeks back. But I've been looking at what he stands for (the "issues" on his website)... I AM disappointed that both he and Hill didn't vote on the FISA bill, and McCain did (luckily, coming out in favor of TELCOM immunity... asshole). But I saw on Friday how CNN has begun referring to Obama supporters as "cult-like and "creepy" (sorry, couldn't find the link again). Then today there's this blowing up all over the news. The particular article is from the Huffington Post. You remember Ariana Huffington, don't you? That super annoying conservative chick who decided that she was getting no love from neo-cons, so she opted to become a democrat, and therefore is now liberal? Yeah. And she's rich, so she started a website/blog and has lots of contributors and fellow smear-ers? Yeah. Or this article from the Washington Post (slogan: "We're better than the Washington Times!") which is entitled "Obama and Clinton: Copycats?" which never really attacks Clinton, because "she's not running on the strength of her rhetoric". Are you fucking KIDDING ME? You're pissed at Obama because he's a good speaker? Because his words inspire us? Because his message of hope and reconciliation scare you? What exactly is the problem, I wonder? I mean, I know he's a black man in America, so there's about 5 million people who won't vote for him specifically because of that... but those are the same racist assholes who never vote Democratic anyways. It's funny to me how little the Republicans care about the poor, and yet the impoverished South ALWAYS votes Republican. I'm moving to Mexico. Oh wait.

But here's the thing... why the Smear? Why? I don't feel like I'm in a cult. I feel like I might give money to Obama. I might. I probably won't. But that's because I'm a Jew, and you know... the money thing. But I'm kinda feeling like Clinton has turned into this evil creature I've grown to loathe over the last 8 years. I was all about her getting elected to the Senate. I was all about her Health Care Plan for America. WHEN SHE WAS THE FIRST LADY. Somewhere along the line, Hillary went from this great symbol of womanly leadership (a fiery, smart and cunning woman)—the kind of women in power that I felt good about having in life for my mother and my sister and my female friends— to more of the useless, do NOTHING, Washington regular who IS the problem. I don't know when it happened. But Hillary claims to have this huge history of "getting it done". Being "ready from day ONE". What has Hillary really done in 8 years in the Senate? Aside from authorized the war? Under her watch a bevy of unbelievable judicial candidates, justice dept heads, and other appointees were given green lights. Ummm the economy is in the shitter. Ummm we still don't have a health care plan. Ummm every child left behind... Ummm yeah she's doing great work. Walmart seems to be doing really well though. I'm pissed at you Hillary. You've alienated this young voter. And it wasn't even with your shitty voting record. Because for a while I was resigned to the fact that, "Hillary will get the nomination and I will vote for her". No, I think you lost my reluctant vote when you decided you were scared of Obama. When his message of change looked as if someone might actually vote for him.

The Founding Fathers of this country were brilliant orators. Their speeches enlivened a fledgling nation to shake off its oppressors. When you were in the 5th grade, and learning about the Civil War (War of Northern Aggression for you below the Mason Dixie Line), and your teacher read you the Gettysburg Address (1526 Gettysburg Lane, apt 4), did it not stir something inside you? A well given speech can be as moving as music. Ideas and thoughts and feelings conveyed in a way that elicits an emotional reaction and speaks directly to YOU even though the speech is given to MILLIONS. That's magical. That's something that our current "President" could never dream of.

This has turned into a really long rambling blog. One last point. Well, two. First, McCain voted in FAVOR of the US torturing. Keep in mind, he was tortured. Second, people in this country either love Hillary or HATE her. She is a very polarizing figure. And her insistence that she will use the so-called Super Delegates (Washington Insiders and people who are part of the PROBLEM) to override the will of the people to win the nomination is just one more example of why. She's power-hungry. She always has been. And the feeling I got when the Clintons left office and she made a grab for a Senate seat in a state in which she did not live (although they bought a house near my aunt and had owned it for the requisite amount of time before the election...) is the same one I have now. She's fine, and maybe she'll be better than Bush. She probably isn't completely evil. And yeah, it's great to have a strong woman leading. But I'm pretty sure for the good of the country as a whole, both internally, and on the international stage, we need someone who is free of the Shackles of Washington. Someone who's not a career politician who's not tied to all that special interest money. Someone like ME*. Or failing that, Kucinich (minus the Alien probe). Or failing that, Obama. He's not perfect, I'll admit. But I mean, at least he doesn't want to be in Iraq for another HUNDRED years. (like McCain).

*Yes I did just declare myself in the running for the Democratic Nomination. And I'd like to use this opportunity to concede the race to Mr. Obama and Ms. Clinton. They've run a good race, and our campaign just ran out of steam right at the...well, right at the beginning. But have no fear... I'll be back...

Duuuuuuude... this stuff is AWESOME

This is pretty hilarious. A cop made some "special" brownies with the pot he confiscated. Then this happened:


Stay Safe, America.

Love,

Gurftastic