really tend to agree with him there.
This morning marks the beginning of a three month span of voyages. And
I hope at least to take some of my cues from Homer's epic. I mean,
after all those years at sea, he and his crew never resorted to
homosexuality. It probably had something to do with the fact that
everywhere they crashed there were chicks who wanted to bone them.
Step one: Banish the terrorist water. This just in from the front
lines of the War on Terror... Your bottled water is a threat to
airline security. I actually got all the way through the x-ray and was
having one of my trays hand screened by a pretty hot TSA girl when she
found my unopened bottle. "This is a sterile area so you can't take
the water with you".
Now maybe I'm just cynical, but if you let me take my lunch through he
sterile checkpoint, why is my water such a problem? "What if I drink
it?"
"You have to go back out through security and drink it, then come back
through."
"What if I dump it?"
"No".
So it became increasingly clear that my terrorist water was a serious
threat. After all, it had one of the major components of a hydrogen
bomb. Can u guess what component?
Why didn't the incredibly hot chick behind me on line to board, sit
next to me? Why do you torment me so, US Airways? Why do you subject
me to Faith Hill singing fucking Christmas carols while I board? I
checked isitchristmas.com this morning before I left for the airport,
and do you know what it said? It said, "NO". That means I shouldn't
have to fucking listen to fucking Christmas fucking carols by Faith
fucking Hill and what now sounds like the saxaphone dude from 1990's
SNL. Jesus would be so proud.
Anyways, this blog is about the Odyssey. It seems fitting, Odysseus's
was a sequel as is mine. Only in his sequel he got laid a lot and met
a cyclops (incidentally, the word 'Cyclops' was translated in my high
school edition as 'Kyklops', which is exactly the reason that people
shouldn't try to re-translate texts just for cash. They fuck it up.
We all know it's the fucking Cyclops. Deal with it!) and several
nymphs who wanted to bone and never let him go, all so he could make
of back to his wife whom he expected to be chaste whilst he was gone.
In my version, I travel around a lot and get screwed over by the gods
too, but seeing as how I already met the Cyclops (the one-eye) and won
that battle (thanks MPV) I wonder if I'll find myself awash on the
Isle of Lesbos.
Hey Philadelphia, thanks for making me walk the perimeter of your
entire airport only to make me suffer the indignity of again going
through security. I never left the terminal area and followed all the
signs, and somehow ended up having to get screened again. But I
learned my lesson from earlier... I dumped my new water out before it
went through the scanning machine, thus preventing it from becoming
Terrorist Water II. Yeah for some reason it was fine for me to dump
it, walk through the line, and then fill it up again. They must have
scanners in all the fresh water pipes leading into the airport.
I'm hoping to be lured in by a few sexy Sirens, even if they devore
and disembowel a few of my cohorts. Perhaps I can someday tell the
tale of my inane journey to not so distant lands in exchange for room
and board.
More riveting action to come!
Sent from my Holycrapbestphoneever phone.
No comments:
Post a Comment