The Last Question

This is one of my favorite short stories. Asimov rocks.

LLLLLLUUUUKKKKKKKKEEEEE

The "Luke" Arm, from the creator of the Segway...

Ummm

GUSHGUSHGUSH:

uhhhh

Ummmm... Did NOBODY think that "Choosing Tampax helps Hillary stop the bloodshed" is like the WORST idea ever? As though when the average American thinks about who to vote for, he wants to think about Hillary's period...

Weird

Ok, aside from the awful cover by a girl band doing the new commercials for Target (they're singing "Hello Goodbye" by the Beatles. Except in text on the screen, they change the words to "Good buy"... yeah) nothing much has really pissed me off lately, and I'm sorry for that. Maybe it's that I've been awash in bliss these last few months, what with the drunken binge-fest that is Culiacan, and then the whole return to my old stomping grounds.

Here's something awesome that doesn't piss me off: The Fox affiliate in NYC (Fox 5) has a new feature (well it might be old, but I've been in the snow-belt for a long time) on it's Simpson's syndicated episodes. About 3 minutes into the episode, they put a banner up (a lower third, for you editorially inclined) which shows the episode number, name, and original air date. Kinda sweet. Tonight's episode is "Bart's Comet" which is pretty fucking great.

Ok... so this has kinda been tripping me out. I guess they're making another X-files movie. That would be X-files 2 for anyone keeping score. The thing is, like the X-files as a show totally was over in 2002. The movie came out in 1998. So, uhhh, like... uhhh... I mean... uhhh... Don't get me wrong. I really liked the X-files as a kid. Shit I liked the movie. And they left it all open ended enough for everything to be all crazy, blah blah blah. But here's the thing. There's been enough time between the show, the first movie, and whenever this next movie is coming out for even like hardcore fanboys to like forget most of the intricate plot twists. So this movie will be another delicate balancing of how much fanboy glory to add versus how much explain what the hell is going on to the fucking kids of America who've never seen the fucking show and only want to see explosions. Judging by how the Simpson's movie didn't exactly cater to the die-hards, I'm not expecting a lot. And also there's this:





The distubring-est part is that there's these fans in the audience who sound like they're cumming every time anything happens. And don't get me started on the orgy-tastic sounds that happen as soon as Mulder and Scully kiss. You have to be fucking kidding me. Please see Gurftastic Blogs: "Dear Hollywood" on why I hate sequels. Fuck you, Hollywood.

uh-huh

They lied to us. They were supposed to be just ordinary cartoons... THEY LIED.

In other news, Hillary lied. We've all done it. We all embellish a story to make it really juicy. Shit I've probably done it on the Gurftastic blog. No I haven't. But the thing is, when you're a politician, it's best to make sure your lies won't be brought to light by irrefutable video evidence... YEAH...

Spiritual Awakening

I had a moment of clarity this Easter morning. Somewhere between the resurrection according to Matthew, and the Hallelujah Chorus. You see, I've been assumed by some, accused by others of being anti-religion. I mean, I don't find fault with people because they are religious. I don't think that organized religion is for me, that's all. Let me reiterate: I don't fault people for being religious. I feel like a spiritual person. I have thoughts about the nature of life and death, humanity, and creation. The thing is, I'm suspicious of organized religion because I know a bit about the history of religion. And I can't bring myself to be told what I should believe and what I should not. How I should believe. What to worship and how to behave. Maybe that makes me a heathen. I think more likely I'm a hedonist. I like things that make me feel good. I like to eat. I like to drink. I like to fuck. I like to sloth it up. I like to lust after hot chicks I see in the Village. I like to covet... things.

So, I realized what my religion is on Sunday. I worship at the altar of technology. Literally. I was sitting in the altar room of a church between two services, and rather than my usual Easter tradition of reading Deuteronomy, I found myself reading Google News on my iPhone. And it hit me. There I was sitting in a place of worship, and in my own way I was worshiping. I mean, I had all the news and information a boy could desire. And I was sitting in reverence to the technological marvel in my hand. So yeah, religion is that of technological innovation. Of information. Of being informed and alert and generally up-to-date. And in these ways it makes me think it couldn't possibly be any less of a religion.

And Seth, have no fear, my usual woman-bashing (I prefer to think of it as man-enhancing), fucked up shit that happens to me tales are still bountiful on the Gurftastic Blog. But there's more of that good stuff on The Sack-Up blog. It's a blog dedicated to sacking-up and being a man. Written by Gurftastic, Mafoo, and Selly. Good shit. Check it out.

They're made of meat

No, seriously... They're Made Out of Meat.

In other news, Obama's speech is still rippling through America. Fox News tried to hate on it, choosing to focus on the words "My grandmother... is a typical white woman" in trying to show that Obama is racist. But even their own anchors called bullshit on that one... (I know it's a vid, sorry couldn't find the embed code) Did I mention that he WROTE that speech himself? Like sans speech writers. Why? Because it was probably the most defining moment of his career, and he actually had something powerful and eloquent to say. He had 35 minutes worth of powerful eloquence, and didn't need someone else to write his thoughts on something that he has obviously thought a great deal about.

I kinda love Obama. Not gonna lie. And I think the establishment sees his galvanizing nature, and is scared. He's the future, and they're the past. I mean, I'm sure they'll find a way to corrupt him and all that, because, let's face it, the system is broken, but at least for now they are just scared...

So Right

I'm in love with Barack Obama. Not like sexual love. More like an emotional connection. Like when you find someone who is exactly what you want in a leader. Kinda exactly like that. There's this thing where people try to parse his rhetoric as empty promises. Listen to the speech he made yesterday. Honestly tell me that this is just bullshit rhetoric. No this is a black man in America speaking about the state of race relations in America. He is candid. He is clear and concise. And he's fucking brilliant. There's a lot of "he's like a rockstar" and "there's nothing substantive" about him. Really? That's a load of shit. I don't like him because of his singing voice. Or because girls throw their panties at him. Or because he doesn't stand for anything. Look at his fucking website. He lays out his stance on just about every issue that's ever been an issue. The "rockstar" dig comes from the Clinton/McCain camp (way to lump 'em together, Gurf) where the old people can't understand why young people identify with such a rousing leader, and justify their inability as simply a bi-product of his "popularity" contest. He doesn't have any experience in the White House. Well, I mean, Hillary knows where the all the rooms are. That's true. So I guess in a way, she'll be more ready on day one, because she won't have to take the whole tour over again. Damn. Is that what she meant all this time?

In other news, phase two of my "Adventures in Vagranting" begins. No word yet on if Elizabeth Shue has signed on to play the part of "hot babysitter who I always wanted to bone". I'll keep you posted. Get it... man that was terrible.

Hillary was right

Well actually Geraldine Ferraro was right. When she said that Obama
wouldn't be where he is today if he wasn't a black man, she was a
thousand percent (that's a lot) correct. If he wasn't black he'd be
crushing the Clinton campaign. He would've already locked up the
nomination. He wouldn't face the perception in hick-land or the
heartland that he's Muskim and wants to be sworn in on the Koran.

I love the recent push from the "moral right" saying that if Obama
were president, the Muslims would hate us more because he's somehow an
apostate. Ummm yeah.

I also love how the worst thing a politician could be is a Muslim, as
though the millions of Muslims in the US are all secretly plotting our
deaths.

I Love Living in the Future (the picture)

I Love Living in the Future

To borrow a phrase from my good buddy, Matt. But it's true. The future
is amazing. This morning, my cellphone alarm woke me up, and alerted
me that I had new email. And then I read the sports section. Of the LA
TIMES. In Texas. On my phone! The information age is truly
astounding. The plethora of news and entertainment that is constantly
at my fingertips is truly something to behold.

So in honor of how much I love being able to use iPhone again, and in
honor of the internets, I will recount a little tale about the first
time I experienced the www.

I think it was eighth grade. Al Gore had just finished inventing the
internets with his magical soy powered brain. I went to my friend
David's house. David had a 9600 baud modem (which was like about a ka-
gillion times faster than the 1200 baud dealy we had at home). Now my
dad had something called Prodigy, which did email I think, but the
whole thing was text based and I don't really remember it doing much
of anything except taking a while. Seth and I had been on BBS boards
(dragonsbane, fool!!!) before and Prodigy seemed kinda like the non-
porn version or something.

But I digress. David turned on his computer and opened a program
called Netscape Navigator. Now if you live in the future like me, you
may not remember Netscape, seeing as how AOL in February decided to
end all support for the company they purchased in 1998. And speaking
of outdated technology, who the FUCK still uses aol? I mean I know
that there was some chick I met once (I think at aspen) who's dad was
like the CFO or something, but I'm pretty sure even she knew Aol
sucked ass. That's the problem with old people and technology... Like
they don't understand when something starts sucking and they need to
do something else. I mean I've seen my first trumpet teacher go on
his new--ish MacBook, and proceed to LOG-ON to the fucking AOL brand
web experience presented by Pepsi. It is truly horrifying. Stop that
shit folks!!!

But I seem to have gotten sidetracked. So David and I open this
mysterious program and he proceeds to load the homepage of some
website. I don't really remember what it was. This precipitated a
lengthy q and a session where I tried to figure out exactly what he
was showing me. Eventually I kinda got it, and then he moved on and
showed me porn. Yep, even in 1994 the intertrons were teeming with
boobies.

But even at that young age, I was struck by how seemingly limitless
the possibilities (for porn) were in this strange new medium. And here
I sit, at an airport in Atlanta, telling you about it... From my phone!

THUS IT BEGINS

WE ARE SO FUCKED...

THIS JUST IN

Hillary doesn't have foreign policy experience. I mean, I know being the WIFE of someone in power means you MEET a lot of dignitaries. And she did TRAVEL places. But she was NOT in power. She was not an elected official. And as a senator, being on the Armed Services Committee hardly qualifies as foreign policy experience. My feeling is that in this America in which I'm about to live again, if you say something enough, people believe it. So while Clinton has very little if any foreign policy experience (which I think MOST President's don't have going in, but all somehow claim to have), the fact that she claims to have a ton, and repeats that Obama has none, makes it seem like this is actually true. The truth however, is that the entire field has very little, McCain is right there with em.

I hate politics.

I watched this the other day. Pretty disturbing. Some of it is very sensationalist. Some is thought provoking. Some I just don't understand. But frankly, I hate what it says. Because after watching it, I hate people. People fuck up everything.

I almost forgot

I just got out of the shower, and now I'm blogging. If that doesn't scream "I'm dedicated to divulging the inanity of my inner-most thoughts" I don't know what does. If that conjures an image to you of a hairy, pasty Jew, running out in a towel to get to his laptop to share something with the world... you're almost right. I'm wearing boxers.

No I didn't run, but I did remember that there's a few things I totally forgot about Mexico. As I get ready to leave, here's few things I forgot to mention before:

Watching the Simpsons in Spanish is kinda sweet, but kinda a trip. Anytime they sing, it's in English, other than that, it's Spanish, with totally weird voices that really make me laugh, but in a weird way. It's still pretty funny, but a lot of the inside jokes get mis-translated. And they have no idea what to do with made-up words, like "avoision".

On my flight here I had a unique experience. First off, if you'll recall, I was still bloody from my spontaneous bleeding orgy in the Rochester Airport. On my flight from NYC to Mexico City, they served free alcohol. Now it IS an international flight, so I guess I shouldn't be that shocked. But it was free beer, and free medium shelf booze... Jack Daniels, a decent tequila I'd never heard of, etc. I was in love. And then they served an honest to goodness MEAL. Like Old School plane food. Except that it was good! Yeah. And Peanuts. Like AIRLINE peanuts. Yeah.

But the kicker was on my connection from Mexico City to Culiacan. The flight is about 48 minutes. You barely get off the the ground before you start descending. In America, this is the type of flight where they take your drink orders, and bring you a little plastic cup of water, apple juice, coke or whatever, but since they're trying to save dough, they don't even give you the whole bottle/can. Here however, not only was it a free-for-all on drinks again, but they served the ubiquitous "snack box". In America, this is the airlines' version of a "fuck you" to the customers in coach. While the first class cabin is dinning on venison sausage in a red wine reduction with diamond encrusted pasta, the people in coach (if they're not asked to BUY a snack box) are given something that looks promising, but never is. Usually filled with some sort of cracker, possibly a cookie, and something resembling compacted boogers in a tin marked, "Gouda", this "snack" is more of an enticement for you to buy whatever it is they now sell instead of giving you a meal. Well on my little flight to Mexico, they gave me a snack box. What it contained was a turkey sandwich. On fresh sourdough bread. With lettuce, tomato, swiss cheese and dijon mustard (not those little fucking mustard packets, but like pre-mustarded for me!). And it was delicious. And the thing about it is, I can't understand how the airlines here stay in business. Their flights are....HAHAHA.... Maude Flanders just said, "Piensate a los niños".... HAHAHAHAHA... sorry, their flights are CHEAP (like 25 dollars) and yet they come with so much. I don't get it. Could it possibly be that these giant corporations are trying to screw over the consumer? No, definitely not. Give em a tax break already!

Ok, so that was sweet... but check THIS out. I bought 7 DVD's tonight. And it cost $30. Yeah. Woulda been cheaper, but the two volumes of Kill Bill were 7 bucks each. And no, they're not bootlegs. For some reason DVD's are SUPER cheap here. But DVD players, tv's, etc are SUPER expensive... go fig... No real gems to report like my last excursion (when I got Plan 9 from Outer Space!!!!!!!), although I DID pick up two Woody Allen flicks, Very Bad Things, Some movie where Charlize Theron takes her top off, and the Anna Kournikova Workout Video. The last one, not because I want to "exercise along with Anna" so much as I kinda just want to have it in my home as a sort of "WTF??" conversation starter.

By the way, why does Eugene Levy still make horrid sequels to American Pie? Is he under like a 9 picture deal with the studio or something? I just saw an ad for some like American Pie movie that looked more like a bad National Lampoon's: Frat Boys are somehow trying to get laid movie.

And lastly, I'm looking for new digs. If you know of anything, hit me up. I don't need much, just like 8 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms, with a view of Central Park, and a separate kitchen for the support staff (wouldn't want them cooking their food near mine). Basically, Otisburg.

What the Fuck is Otisburg, you ask? Then you suck. Here's two hints. A hard one and an easy one. Choose your illusion.

Hard: L: When I was six years old my father said to me...
T: "Get out."
L: Ha ha. Before that. He said, "Son, stocks may rise and fall, utilities and transportation systems may collapse. People are no damn good, but they will always need land and they'll pay through the nose to get it! Remember," my father said...
Together: LAND!

Easier: L: "Oh, Lord... You gave them eyes, yet they cannot see." Nor can [he], through *lead*.
T: He... can't... see... through... lead!

Still Stumped? Our childhoods were VERY different. Maybe you're normal...

Banda: The Sequel

They're BA-ACK! Yep! I hate my life.