It's about freakin' time

Like every other reasonably-educated heterosexual male I know, the completely incomprehensible desire to see Rachel Ray simultaneously naked and/or beaten to a bloody pulp is ever-present in life. The more mainstream she becomes, the more I just wish someone would beat the smug right off of her smelly face. But at the same time (well not at the same time she's getting BEATEN, but like at the same time as wishing she would be beaten), I kinda want to bone that smug. And today on the Food Network, there was some random show with Rachel, where she goes around talking about something with that annoying fucking voice that makes me want to gouge my ears out with my own genitals. However, the producers saw fit to put RR in a skimpy dress... Her boobs were hanging out of this thing (reminiscent of Olivia d'Abo's dress from Conan: The Destroyer, by the way) and looking fantastic. I dunno, maybe it's because I only see her cooking all the time, so I just want her to get the kitchen and knit me a sandwich—the key to a man's heart being through his gastrointestinal tract and all... maybe it's because she's a "female"... ok wait there's a different episode on right now, and she's all covered up... now I just want to smack her again. I wish she'd shut the fuck up. Seriously.


Hot Frenchy Bartender: Where are you from???

Gurftastic: I'm visiting from America.

Hot (now surly) Frenchy Bartender: You're still in America.

Gurftastic: Yeah... uhhh... I meant South America... Like the US... uhhh...

Hot (now bored) Frenchy Bartender: So you're buying me a shot?


T-minus 4 days and counting...
Local Weather Forecast for Rochester, NY for Thursday January 17th: partly shitty with periods of sketchiness. No I kid. 34º with chance of snow.

Local Weather Forecast for MEX: 83º and sunny. That's the 10-day forecast by the way. Awesome. Soy de los Estados Unidos. Dame mas tamales por favor. Mierda. Chupa mis nalgas. Tu mama se mira como una nalga de mono.

What's the rectangle root of 4? What percentage of college librarians are virgins? What is the probability that YOU have already forgotten what Britney Spear's vagina looks like? If 6 is to one as 8 is to 5, why are you still reading this?